“On this anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death,” President Obama told the press, “it’s important to remember how awesome it was that it was my say so that made bin Laden dead. I still remember making that momentous decision.”
* * * *
“Okay, I need a yes or no on getting bin Laden,” the general told Obama.
“Could you explain the options again?” Obama asked.
The general sighed. “‘Yes’ means we will send SEALs in to get bin Laden. ‘No’ means we will not send SEALs in to get bin Laden.”
Obama nodded. “I’ve made a decision: I vote ‘Present’.”
“That wasn’t one of the options! Here, we’ll try something new.” The general held out a colorful ball in each hand. “If you pick the red ball, we get bin Laden. If you choose the blue ball, we don’t get bin Laden. So pick a ball.”
Obama studied the two balls carefully. “I want a purple one.”
* * * *
“And who can forget the heroism of the Navy SEALs?” Obama continued in his speech. “Well, I often do when telling the harrowing tale of how I made the decision to get bin Laden, but the SEALs deserve at least some credit. I still remember personally greeting them after they did their minor part in stopping bin Laden.”
* * * *
The president’s aide rushed into the Oval Office. “Mr. President, I have some… news to tell you.”
“Osama bin Laden is… dead.”
Obama stood up from his chair. “But I just saw him on TV alive and well!” Tears welled in his eyes. “How did this happen?”
“The SEALs shot him in the head, sir.”
“What?! They were supposed to bring him back alive! And then we were going to come to a peace agreement together, live on television!” Tears started to stream down his face. “And then we were going to be best friends and I was going to show him my model train set and then we were going to upgrade it to high speed rail together!” Obama fell back in his chair and buried his head in his arms, weeping. Finally, he looked up. “At least tell me they gave him a proper Muslim burial.”
“They… chucked him in the sea.”
Obama let out a mournful cry and put his head on his desk while sobbing.
“Anyway,” the aide said, “the SEALs who did it are here to see you.”
SEAL Team Six entered the room. Obama then rushed them, pounding one on the chest with his tiny fists while screaming, “You monsters! All he wanted was to get Muslims more respect and you shot him! You monsters!” Obama then collapsed to the floor crying.
The SEAL looked to the aide. “Are we done here? We want to go get beers.”
They left and Obama weakly looked up at his aide. “I’m going to need some comfort food.”
The aide nodded and then turned to the door and yelled, “WE’RE GOING TO NEED A NEW BO!”
* * * *
“But we can’t let all that silly SEAL team worship overshadow my heroism,” Obama told the press. “It’s like in Star Wars how everyone recognizes that the true hero of the movie is the guy who told that stupid farmboy Luke, ‘Hey, go blow up that Death Star.’ That’s me; it was all my idea to kill bin Laden, and it got done.
“Now, would Romney have made the same decision? Probably not. He’d be too busy counting his money to approve of killing bin Laden. That’s what happens when someone is an out-of-touch, really rich guy instead of an in-touch, somewhat rich guy like me.
“Anyway, of course I’m now writing a new memoir — my third. It will be entitled ‘I Killed bin Laden’. It will be only five pages, but unlike my other memoirs, it will have an actual accomplishment in it instead of just a bunch of padding written by Bill Ayers.”
* * * *
At a campaign event, Romney responded to the charges that he wouldn’t have ordered the raid on bin Laden’s compound. “That’s ridiculous,” he told the press. “If I got a report that a foreigner had been located, I would have asked, ‘Does he do lawn work?’ And when I was told that no he did not, I would say, ‘Then we should do something about him.’ Then I would have written out the order to handle that bin Laden chap and handed it to my butler to be delivered to the right people. And then I’d let other people take care of all the details because I’m a very rich, important person who can’t be bothered with such things. But it’s preposterous to say I would have shied away from ordering a kill on bin Laden; even that eunuch Jimmy Carter would have done that.”
“It’s true!” Jimmy Carter said, popping up behind Romney. “If you drew a line representing my level of competency, knowing to order a raid on bin Laden would be one of the few things that fell under it.” He patted Romney on the back. “Thanks for recognizing that.”
“Eww.” Romney dusted of his suit jacket. “You’re getting peanut shell dust and failure on me.”