In My World: Spiking the Football

Posted on May 2, 2012 11:00 am

“On this anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death,” President Obama told the press, “it’s important to remember how awesome it was that it was my say so that made bin Laden dead. I still remember making that momentous decision.”

* * * *

“Okay, I need a yes or no on getting bin Laden,” the general told Obama.

“Could you explain the options again?” Obama asked.

The general sighed. “‘Yes’ means we will send SEALs in to get bin Laden. ‘No’ means we will not send SEALs in to get bin Laden.”

Obama nodded. “I’ve made a decision: I vote ‘Present’.”

“That wasn’t one of the options! Here, we’ll try something new.” The general held out a colorful ball in each hand. “If you pick the red ball, we get bin Laden. If you choose the blue ball, we don’t get bin Laden. So pick a ball.”

Obama studied the two balls carefully. “I want a purple one.”

* * * *

“And who can forget the heroism of the Navy SEALs?” Obama continued in his speech. “Well, I often do when telling the harrowing tale of how I made the decision to get bin Laden, but the SEALs deserve at least some credit. I still remember personally greeting them after they did their minor part in stopping bin Laden.”

* * * *

The president’s aide rushed into the Oval Office. “Mr. President, I have some… news to tell you.”

“What?”

“Osama bin Laden is… dead.”

Obama stood up from his chair. “But I just saw him on TV alive and well!” Tears welled in his eyes. “How did this happen?”

“The SEALs shot him in the head, sir.”

“What?! They were supposed to bring him back alive! And then we were going to come to a peace agreement together, live on television!” Tears started to stream down his face. “And then we were going to be best friends and I was going to show him my model train set and then we were going to upgrade it to high speed rail together!” Obama fell back in his chair and buried his head in his arms, weeping. Finally, he looked up. “At least tell me they gave him a proper Muslim burial.”

“They… chucked him in the sea.”

Obama let out a mournful cry and put his head on his desk while sobbing.

“Anyway,” the aide said, “the SEALs who did it are here to see you.”

SEAL Team Six entered the room. Obama then rushed them, pounding one on the chest with his tiny fists while screaming, “You monsters! All he wanted was to get Muslims more respect and you shot him! You monsters!” Obama then collapsed to the floor crying.

The SEAL looked to the aide. “Are we done here? We want to go get beers.”

“Sure.”

They left and Obama weakly looked up at his aide. “I’m going to need some comfort food.”

The aide nodded and then turned to the door and yelled, “WE’RE GOING TO NEED A NEW BO!”

* * * *

“But we can’t let all that silly SEAL team worship overshadow my heroism,” Obama told the press. “It’s like in Star Wars how everyone recognizes that the true hero of the movie is the guy who told that stupid farmboy Luke, ‘Hey, go blow up that Death Star.’ That’s me; it was all my idea to kill bin Laden, and it got done.

“Now, would Romney have made the same decision? Probably not. He’d be too busy counting his money to approve of killing bin Laden. That’s what happens when someone is an out-of-touch, really rich guy instead of an in-touch, somewhat rich guy like me.

“Anyway, of course I’m now writing a new memoir — my third. It will be entitled ‘I Killed bin Laden’. It will be only five pages, but unlike my other memoirs, it will have an actual accomplishment in it instead of just a bunch of padding written by Bill Ayers.”

* * * *

At a campaign event, Romney responded to the charges that he wouldn’t have ordered the raid on bin Laden’s compound. “That’s ridiculous,” he told the press. “If I got a report that a foreigner had been located, I would have asked, ‘Does he do lawn work?’ And when I was told that no he did not, I would say, ‘Then we should do something about him.’ Then I would have written out the order to handle that bin Laden chap and handed it to my butler to be delivered to the right people. And then I’d let other people take care of all the details because I’m a very rich, important person who can’t be bothered with such things. But it’s preposterous to say I would have shied away from ordering a kill on bin Laden; even that eunuch Jimmy Carter would have done that.”

“It’s true!” Jimmy Carter said, popping up behind Romney. “If you drew a line representing my level of competency, knowing to order a raid on bin Laden would be one of the few things that fell under it.” He patted Romney on the back. “Thanks for recognizing that.”

“Eww.” Romney dusted of his suit jacket. “You’re getting peanut shell dust and failure on me.”

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17 Responses to “In My World: Spiking the Football”

  1. Corsair says:

    With chris mattews claiming this was like d-day, I would have to agree. Leon Panetta probably penned two letters. One, for if it worked, claimed it was approved nay demanded that it be carried out at the earliest possible moment signed by BHO. Another for if it failed, that claimed Mr. Panetta gave the go ahead without informing the prez and offered his resignation.

  2. Corsair says:

    Oops. It was chuck todd. And VE day. with all the lies in the media these days I forgot which one I am supposed to remember.

  3. DamnCat says:

    2. Corsair says:
    with all the lies in the media these days I forgot which one I am supposed to remember.

    You’re not supposed to remember any of them – you’re just supposed to feel the tingle.

  4. Ernie Loco says:

    Chris Matthews claimed that Obama’s campaign speech in Afghanistan was pretty much equivalent to the St. Crispin’s Day speech from Henry V. He also claimed that he was having trouble reading his teleprompter because of “the tingly feeling” he was getting in his “naughty bits” just from hearing Obama drone on and on.

  5. Jimmy says:

    “They… chucked him in the sea.”

    That never grows old.

  6. Rayfan87 says:

    Wait, you forgot the part where Obama tossed a quarter in the air and made the general call it.

  7. Dirk The Imapiler says:

    Frank, I think this is my favorite post by you ever!!! How you have such an incredible grasp of N∅bama’s tiny little brain just amazes me!!!! This one is so funny because it is so realistic!!!

  8. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    You’re just supposed to feel the tingle

    Methinks DamnCat swerved into a new line of campaign slogans….

    “Forward! And Feel The Tingle!”

    “Obama!Remember The Tingle!”

    Obama2012-The Tingle And The Taliban Too

    Etc…

  9. Burmashave says:

    Speaking of tinglies, yesterday Rush noted that MSNBC was running a 1/4 screen chyron:

    Breaking News: Obama Bin Laden Killed One Year Ago Today

    Breaking? Broken?

  10. DamnCat says:

    Hey, maybe Chris Matthews is Obama’s “compressed” girlfriends. All rolled into one, as it were.

  11. DamnCat says:

    @Burmashave
    Breaking…like the wind…

  12. Dohtimes says:

    Obama: They shot who? Damn, I wish they hadn’t named it Operation Send Our Muslim Brother Bin Laden To Sea World. Well, it’s off to the motorcycle shop, the Iranians promised to give me a crotch rocket for the anniversary.

  13. zzyzx says:

    What Obama needs is a good song to remind people of the awesome thing he and he alone did. I suggest The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, here’s a few verses…… When Osama bin Laden rode to town the womenfolk would hide, they’d hide
    When Osama bin Laden walked around the men would step aside
    ’cause the point of a gun was the only law that Osama understood
    When it came to shootin’ straight and fast—he was mighty good.

    From out of the East a stranger came, a law book in his hand, a man
    The kind of a man the West would need to tame a troubled land
    ’cause the point of a gun was the only law that Osama understood
    When it came to shootin’ straight and fast—he was mighty good.

    Many a man would face his gun and many a man would fall
    The man who shot Osama bin Laden, he shot Osama bin Laden
    He was the bravest of them all………….

  14. Mxymaster says:

    Look, you guys can make fun of the president voting “present” all the time, but it’s you unimaginative dullards who can’t think “outside the box” and look at everything as “black or white” and make “choices” and “decisions” who cause all kinds of trouble. What if we all were just “present” for a day? Isn’t showing up 88% of life?

  15. 4of7 says:

    #13 – zzyzx,
    Paul Schanklin (Rush’s parody guy) already did it.
    Check out the classic IMAO image at 1:45.
    The Man Who Shot Osama Bin Laden.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMcM4wjE7xw

  16. Scott says:

    Obama is entitled to spike the football.
    Let’s face it; GW Bush fumbled the ball.

  17. Harvey says:

    Obama is entitled to nothing:

    http://americandigest.org/mt-archives/5minute_arguments/courage_he_hasnt_got_it.php

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