Nuke the News: Barack Cheney

Posted on May 30, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama won’t waterboard people. He’ll just put them on kill lists. Isn’t this actually very reassuring? Despite all his unicorns and rainbow rhetoric, Obama is apparently very ruthless on the military side with his drone strikes where he doesn’t really care about collateral damage (any male who is military-aged is assumed to be a combatant unless proven otherwise) and his keeping rendition. He’s like Cheney… if Cheney were more effete and petulant. Still, some Cheney is better than no Cheney.

* Jay Carney tried to explain what’s the difference between what Bain Capital did and what Obama did with Solyndra. Of course, the difference is that with Obama’s green investment, he’s just risking our money, not his own, so he doesn’t care that much about making sure they’re good investments. But Carney gave the best answer he could: He stammered incomprehensibly for a minute. In fact, incomprehensible stammering is probably the best explanation for all of Obama’s policies. Maybe he can even make it a slogan.

“Obama 2012: Because [unintelligible]”

* Romney has now officially cinched the GOP nomination. So if you were one of those silly people still holding out hope for someone else, you can stop now. But it could be worse. I mean, he’s no McCain. Unlike him, Romney seems to really want to be president, so we can expect some fight out of him. And if he fails to defeat Obama, we shall banish him from this land to never be seen again.

* You know Robert Mugabe, murderous dictator? The U.N. has released a statement about him: He’s a leader for tourism!

Ah, the U.N. is so useful and totally not an affront to human decency.

That was sarcasm.

But think of it this way: The more time murderous dictatorships spend working on U.N. silliness, the less people they’re murdering.

The U.N.: We keep murderous dictators busy with useless crap.

* According to a Gallup poll, U.S. adults estimate that about 25% of the population is gay. The actual number is probably around 3%, so why do people think the numbers are so high? Is thinking everyone around you it totally gay a tolerance thing or the opposite? I blame the influence of Obama. We really need to toughen up as a country, because apparently we’re looking pretty gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

* There is now a Lunar X prize for landing an unmanned vehicle on the moon. There are also bonus prizes for doing things such as photographing the original Apollo landing sites. I don’t know what kind of bonus you get for exploding a nuke on the moon such that it’s visible from earth, but I’m looking into it and will soon start talking to investors.

Send to Kindle
1 Star (Hated it)2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (Awesome) (10 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

15 Responses to “Nuke the News: Barack Cheney”

  1. Burmashave says:

    Yay! Obama has finally subscribed to kill ‘em all, let Allah sort ‘em out.

  2. Mxymaster says:

    On TV, every third person is gay. On non-news cable channels it’s every other person. I guess that’s a requirement to being on TV now — be gay or at least kinda gayish. I’m surprised the poll didn’t say 70% of people are gay. We watch way too much TV.

  3. Me says:

    The U.N.: We keep murderous dictators busy with useless crap

    Wow. That’s actually not a bad selling point.

  4. zzyzx says:

    You would think that by now, even Kofi Annan would realize what a useless waste of time, money, and energy the UN is. The UN is a joke…and a damned pathetic one at that.

  5. Jimmy says:

    “The U.N.: We keep murderous dictators busy with useless crap.”

    How do the same with Congress?

    We need a plan, Frank.

  6. Son of Bob says:

    “You know Robert Mugabe, murderous dictator? The U.N. has released a statement about him: He’s a leader for tourism!”

    This makes as much sense as anything else the UN does. Simple question: Since the UN supposedly represents a global presence, not one of any one country, what planet will the tourists be coming from that Mugabe will be trying to attract?

  7. DamnCat says:

    Seeing as how Mugabe is banned from travel in all of the EU and some other countries, I’d think he be the UN’s choice for leader of “stay-cations”.

  8. ChristheLibertarian says:

    TV told me that we’re all gay. Especially the Republicans. They’re the gayest of all. And if you’re having problems… it’s because you’re gay. I never could figure out if we’re all gay who is doing the oppressing of the gays… I mean, the Republicans obviously. But they’re gay. So I guess they’re self-loathing gays.

    Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

  9. mikee says:

    Once again I have to urge you to modify your Nuke the Moon logo to depict more accurately an explosion in the lunar vacuum. No mushroom will occur – just a hemispherical blast of surface debris, that drops really, really fast back to the surface or jets in fairly straight lines out to space.

    Please get this done before the XPrize winner nukes the moon and leaves your site looking like it made up that whole Nuke the Moon thing without thinking about the actual consequences of such an action (other than making the rest of the world quake in fear at our craziness).

  10. Ernie Loco says:

    According to a Gallup poll, U.S. adults estimate that about 25% of the population is gay. The actual number is probably around 3%…

    I think your estimate is high by about 2.5%.

  11. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    U.S. adults estimate that about 25% of the population is gay.

    How does someone get it that wrong? Do they honestly think 1 out of 4 people they ever met was gay or do they just not understand that’s what 25% means?
    Liberals don’t seem to get the whole percentage thing so I bet that’s it.

  12. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Those with lower incomes, the less educated, women, and young people stupid people give the highest estimates

  13. plentyobailouts says:

    Does that make them the 1%? Maybe they should occupy the homosexual bar. But at least homosexuals are better than hippies, they bathe.

  14. Zaklog the Great says:

    Anyone who believes 1 in 4 people are gay and also believes homosexuality is inborn and immutable fails biology forever. Natural selection would cut that down pretty quick. (But I’m a conservative, so I don’t understand science.)

  15. Captain Obvious says:

    FUN FACT: The U.N.’s new Tourism Honcho is subject to a TRAVEL BAN in Europe. Anything that pisses off the French can’t be all bad!

Leave a Reply

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>