Nuke the News: Day Two Promises

Posted on May 24, 2012 11:00 am

* Romney is making a bunch of “day one” promises. Me, I’d make day two promises. Day one is going to be spent making sure my office computer is set up right and has all the programs I need. Then I’ll spend time getting the lay of the building and knowing where the coffee pot is and what are the good places for lunch nearby. But day two, I’ll get to business… but not right in the morning as I kind of like to ease into the day. But day two somewhere around the afternoon America is going to see a lot of change.

* The White House website is now offering financial advice to kids. Who wouldn’t want to learn from those financial geniuses who are somehow able to spend trillions of dollars to noticeable effect?

The advice includes:
– Just spend money on whatever you feel you deserve and not worry about the costs. Money isn’t a real thing anyway.
– Budgets are racist.
– If someone questions you on your huge debt, just blame the prior administration your parents for it.

The White House has already met with numerous schools to teach its financial advice. There were no survivors.

* A judge is recommending that the U.S. ban the XBox over a patent dispute. Obama needs to tread carefully here if he wants to hold on to his precious youth vote. Michelle will probably want this (“Video games make kids fat and I hate fat kids so much I could vomit!”), but all the youth will hate him for it. If anything, he needs to make it so you can vote from within Liberty City or something as it’s about the only way to get those lazy idiots to the polls. Lazy idiots are the backbone of the Democrat Party, it’s just they don’t vote in large numbers. Because they’re lazy.

* The Great Gatsby is being made into a 3D movie for some reason. I remember reading it in high school and being very bored by it. Of course, these “classic” books they have us read were never aimed at teens, though they’re the ones who always are forced to suffer it. I still have intentions of being a novelist, so should that be my goal: That one day, far in the future, my book will be used to torture kids? Or maybe in the future they’ll have kids study classic video games. I can just seem them getting bored to tears with the original Super Mario Brothers. It doesn’t even have an online component!

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12 Responses to “Nuke the News: Day Two Promises”

  1. DamnCat says:

    “Paying taxes is for chumps.”
    – White House’s “Finanace for Kids” website –

  2. DamnCat says:

    “Save money! Click here to apply for Food Stamps!”
    – White House’s “Finanace for Kids” website –

  3. Ken says:

    I just reread Gatsby. The first time was twenty years ago in high school. The only think I remembered from high school was a woman getting split open because she got hit by a car, but otherwise didn’t remember much (hence didn’t think too much of it). Since it’s fairly short, I gave it one more chance, but had to power through it. It’s quite a slog and everyone in the book is an asshole and no one is sympathetic in any way. And what could possibly be 3D about it? It’s mainly just people sitting around drinking and bitching about things. Who wants to see that in 3D?

    I like a lot of American classics, but I’m coming to see that the only writer of note in the twentieth century, who’s books are considered classics, is Hemingway.

    And what could possibly be 3D about it? It’s mainly just people sitting around drinking and bitching about things. Who wants to see that in 3D?

  4. MarkoMancuso says:

    I’m not sure if I’d be a good literature teacher or a terrible one. Either way, I wouldn’t care.

    “This week, kids, we’ll be reading Red Storm Rising!”
    “Clancy again?!”
    “Shut up or I’ll make you read his more recent books! You don’t want that!”

  5. DamnCat says:

    You’d be a great lit prof, Marko! Red Storm Rising is his best. Though I could live without the mushy romance parts – those are whole pages that could used for killing commies.

  6. Mxymaster says:

    Gatsby’s a good book, but never filmed well — and 3D? What the hell — are they planning to do a Peckinpaw-like shooting of Gatsby in slo-mo too? (Oops! Spoiler!)

    Macbeth dies too. So does Hamlet. I’m on a roll!

  7. Jimmy says:

    Frank’s revised schedule:

    Day 1: Computer, Internet and software. Coffee and eateries.
    Day 2: Easing in followed by NUKING THE MOON!
    Day 3: Dinosaurs with Rock Launchers demonstration on the White House Lawn.
    Day 4: Attack enemies with NUKES followed by Dinosaurs with Rock Launchers to clean-up.
    Day 5: Total AWESOMENESS.
    Day 6: Public accolades and celebrations.
    Day 7: Rest.

  8. Ernie Loco says:

    More whitehouse financial advice for kids:

    * Don’t worry about running up a huge debt – your kids will be the ones who have to pay it back. (or your great great great great grandkids, as may be the case.)

    * If the adults won’t let you spend even more money that you don’t have, it’s because they’re waging a war on women.

  9. MarkoMancuso says:

    There couldn’t have been romance scenes in RSR because there weren’t even any women in RSR.

  10. DamnCat says:

    Marko – You forget the weather station guy and the Icelandic chick he goes traipsing around with.

    Also there was a woman fighter pilot. But she didn’t do anything romantical. Except kill commies. That was hot.

  11. Keln says:

    Classic literature isn’t meant for kids, and the public school system almost spoiled my interest in it, until I found true boredom on a submarine in the Navy. So bringing very long classical books like War and Peace on deployment was a great way to pass the time. Of course, that was more about packing more content into a single book than wanting to read Tolstoy at the time. I had to leave room for pop tarts and instant oatmeal in my bunk when the boat inevitably ran out of edible food. Poor kids these days do not have such constraints to spur them to read the classics when a cartoon or an xbox can do the trick.

  12. Ogrrre says:

    What’s wrong with Hollywood? One would think “The Thoughts of Chairman Mao – 3D!” would be a no-brainer for them. It would certainly be an instant hit with the current Administration and with Ivy League Schools. It would even get loads of free advertising from Ed Schultz, Rachel Madcow, Pissy Chrissy Matthews, and the rest of the moderate Moderates at PMSNBC.

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