Nuke the News: Do We Like Obama or Capitalism More?

Posted on May 23, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama won the Arkansas primary! 58% to 42%, which would be a really good margin if he weren’t an incumbent running unopposed. But what does Obama care as he is unlikely to win the Arkansas electoral votes anyway and has a strategy of complete abandonment of anyone who doesn’t help his election prospects. They can just go cling to their guns and religion as he has white college kids to act all evolved in front of.

* More Democrats are coming out in favor of Bain. I think the problem with Obama’s Bain attacks is he hasn’t really distinguished them from attacks on capitalism in general, and this country doesn’t want some capitalism-attacking Commie. Capitalism is why we have all our cool awesome stuff. If we have to choose between an iPad and oBama, it’s pretty easy to say which one is cooler and more useful.

I think Obama is just all confused and scared about capitalism because he’s never had an actual job and had to participate in the economy before. Maybe he should try running a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of the White House. He could learn a few good lessons.

* Union thugs put up an effigy of Nikki Haley and pummeled it. Normally, if white people were violent towards an effigy of a minority, that would be big national news, but you have to get the political parties in the right order for that.

But I’m sure the union thugs had smart reasons for what they were doing. They did release the statement, “Me no like! Smashee smashee!” Ah, unions, they’re totally going to have a big comeback.

* Arizona has accepted Obama’s birth records, so now Obama can visit Arizona without being deported to Kenya. If he has his ID.

* A record low number of people now identify with the Orwellian “pro-choice” label. That’s probably from Buttercup making babies so popular again.

* A vial of Ronald Reagan’s blood is up for auction. It’s expected to go for a high value since rumor has it that if it were sprayed on Obama, he would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

There was almost also going to be an auction for a vial of Jimmy Carter’s blood, but auction houses don’t accept merchandise from rabbits.

* I want these:

I certainly know with which unicorn Ronald Reagan’s blood would side with.

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12 Responses to “Nuke the News: Do We Like Obama or Capitalism More?”

  1. Ernie Loco says:

    Whoever wins the vial of Reagan’s blood should immediately begin cloning efforts.

    I would totally vote for Clone Reagan, even moreso than Zombie Reagan. And it goes without saying that I’d vote for the vial of blood over Obama. Frig, I’d vote to leave the presidency vacant for 4 years rather than another term of Obama.

    I think my preferred order of candidates is:
    Clone Reagan > Zombie Reagan > Mitt Romney > vial of blood > vacant for 4 years > Stalin > Satan himself > Obama.

  2. Son of Bob says:

    “Maybe he should try running a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of the White House. He could learn a few good lessons.”

    I can visualize that:

    1) Government union workers construct the lemonade stand. Construction takes three years, and comes in at just over 2 million dollars…more than twice the projected amount.
    2) Obama is not part of the union, so he can’t work in his own stand. AFL-CIO goons picket the stand before it opens and threaten people in the neighborhood.
    3) DC police start including the stand in their daily patrols – not to protect anyone from the union goons but to close the stand down because they insist he gets food permits.
    4) Environmentalists picket the unopened stand because it’s made of wood, and some cry for the trees that were cut down to supply the wood for the stand.
    5) College students sit around the stand, while others attempt to set it on fire, as the stand represents “capitalism” and they plan to “Occupy” it.
    6) Two years later, after Obama finally does the government-required studies and buys the required permits, and hires a union worker to serve the lemonade, the lemonade must sell for $100 per glass to make a profit.
    7) Stand closes next day.
    8) Obama learns nothing.

  3. MarkoMancuso says:

    My preferred order of candidates is this:

    Vial of Reagan’s blood > The corpse of Calvin Coolidge > Clone Reagan (I don’t trust clones very much) > A Mexican > Hockey legend and Canadian Mario Lemieux > vacant for four years > Stalin > Obama / Satan himself

  4. MarkoMancuso says:

    Wrong email. Now it’s in moderation hell.

    But that’s okay because I didn’t say anything about those unicorns.

    You can tell a lot about a child based on his or her reaction to those unicorns. If your daugther choose “Commie” because it’s “red and pretty”, you know you’ve got a potential pot-smoker or Elizabeth Warren on your hands.

  5. DamnCat says:

    Son of Bob – unfortunately Obama received a $350 million dollar loan to build his lemonade stand.

    This allowed him to draw a 7 figure annual salary in spite of the fact that he had no customers because the 10 year old Hispanic kid down the block was able to sell lemonade at 1/3 the price due to his low debt and non-union employees (himself and his 8 year old sister).

    Obama and his union pals finally shut down their rival – but not before having been exposed as purveyors of an overpriced and inferior product (the Hispanic kid used real sugar – not corn syrup and saccharine). Despite several extensions of his debt service requirements, Obama defaulted on his loans and taxpayers were stuck with the bill.

    To Obama this simply reinforced a lesson he had already learned as President of The United States: that he can collect a nice paycheck no matter how badly he runs things.

  6. Zaklog the Great says:

    I also find it interesting that people who talk about “reproductive rights” are mostly talking about not reproducing. Then there are “pro-choice” environmentalists who want one-child policies like China’s. I’m not sure how forced abortions is “pro-choice”, but that’s probably cause I’m a stupid conservative who doesn’t understand enlightened liberal logic.

  7. Son of Bob says:

    DamnCat, I forgot about that. However, you neglected to mention that the study that the government used as an example of why sugar in lemonades could cause health problems was not actually a genuine scientific study at all, but was in fact just a phony study put out by two women at a kitchen table claiming to be a national “watchdog” group with thousands of members. It was their appearances and quotes from their press releases stated as fact on national “news” networks CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS and in the New York Times, etc. that provided the ammo for Obama to direct an agency to close down the rival stand based on the “settled science” that sugar in lemonade kills.

  8. Mxymaster says:

    I suspect the lemonade stand would sell lousy lemonade at $32,000 a glass, oh and by the way you’d get to drink it while chatting with the president about how pesky the competition is getting and how great it would be if someone somehow could hamstring them with some regulations or tariffs or something involving an executive order. (Just makin’ chitchat.) Proceeds to go to Reelect Obama Or The Puppy Gets It Inc.

    Frank, don’t give him ideas.

  9. IMAO » Blog Archive » Comment of the Day: If Obama Ran a Lemonade Stand links:

    [...] Praise! to Son of Bob] [...]

  10. DamnCat says:

    Son of Bob – you are right, of course.

    Later, House Republicans called hearings into the pseudo-science/regulation shenanigans used to drive small operators from the lemonade field. As usual, the hearings came much too late to save diversity in the industry. The handful of large operators able to weather the regulatory onslaught were so weakened that they required a government bailout. As these firms were considered “too big to fail” the feds were only too happy to help out “Big Lemonade”.

  11. zzyzx says:

    What!! Thirty-two thousand dollar per glass lemonade!?! We can use a few gallons of that stuff at our next convention……..Dan Tangherlini, acting Administrator of GSA.

  12. Zaklog the Great says:

    ^ Zzyzx, you read my mind! :-p

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