WASHINGTON (AP) – After a Newsweek article declared President Obama to be “the first gay President”, Barack Obama admitted that, although not gay himself, he did have a great-great-great-grandfather who was gay, and said that he’s proud of where he came from.
“You know, I’m proud of my gay heritage,” Obama said during an interview on CNN. “I’m proud of my family. People have looked into my college records, my law school records, every job I’ve ever had, and if they had been able to find those records, and if I’d ever held a job, they would’ve seen that I’ve succeded because I do my work. I work hard. Being a Fractionally Homosexual-American had nothing to do with it.”
“Although I’m certainly entitled to numerous perks & privileges due to my status as 1/32 gay,” continued the President,” I’ve gotten as far as I have only because of my own merits.”
“I’m extremely proud of the fact that I was elected the first barely-measurably gay president of the Harvard Law Review,” said Obama. “Most people think that I was elected because I was black, and – because I filled a color-quota – got away with never actually writing anything longer than a shopping list, while I frittered my days away chasing composite women – who totally existed. But because of my infinitesimal portion of fifth-hand gayness, I had to work hard all the time by occasionally introducing Critical Race Theorists at protest rallies.”
But despite the President’s well-justified unblushing admiration of his remotely ancestral leaning-toward-the-lavender, he insisted that the whole issue was a “political distraction” cooked up by his Republican opponent.
“What really matters to hard-working, middle-class Americans,” concluded the President, “is whether, while working at Bain Capital, Mitt Romney committed acts of vampirism. Did he sparkle? Did he climb trees really fast while seducing teenage girls? The voting public needs answers.”