Archive for May, 2012

lolbama! Part 90

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 3:11 pm

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: With Frank’s birthday being next Monday, and one day not being sufficient to hold all the merry-making such an occasion deserves, IMAO will be holding a week-long celebration of Frank J’s birthday. So on Tuesday, the regularly-scheduled lolterizt! round-up will be postponed to bring a special edition of lolfrank!

Pictures of Frank suitable for captioning can be found here and here.

Unlike lolterizt! and lolbama! submissions, please aim for funny rather than cruel, since Frank is a gentle, sensitive soul. Also, he’s threatened to let SarahK shave off half my beard if I post anything too mean.

As usual, send your submissions to: lolterizt@gmail.com


NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

[reference link]

From Arik:

From Arik:

From Arik:

[ref 1,ref 2]

From James:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

[reference link]

From Kris:

From Kris:

From Kris (via Ken Catalino):

From Kris (via Ken Catalino):

[reference link]

From Travelwise42:


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

From Mxymaster:

[reference link]


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with

More Frank J. pics available via the links at the top of the post.


I’m going with Arik for adding the Opti-Grab handle to Elizabeth Warren’s glasses.

What say you?


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

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Nuke the News: Left Uncomfortable with Troops and Vice Versa

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 12:02 pm

* I don’t feel like blogging today. All the humor in me is gone. My iPad fell out of my car and now has a crack right through the center. Its perfect screen is ruined and I can’t cope.

Well, I’ll try going on anyway. Is there a support group for people who cracked the screens on their new iPads?

* There’s a reason we have liberals around, because they’re always worried about things we would never even think of. Like on Memorial Day, we’re all just mindlessly talking about how thankful we are that troops gave their lives for us and our freedom, but luckily we have people like Chris Hayes on MSNBC to say, “Hey, slow down there a second. Let’s not be so quick about this.” You see, calling troops who gave their lives for us “heroes” makes him uncomfortable. To us, it seems natural, but he’s much more nuanced. And he’s got a point; these aren’t unquestionable heroes like people who fight for tougher recycling laws. These instead are people who are running shooting others we designate as “bad”, so maybe we should think more deeply about this sort of thing.

Okay, I’m thinking. Thinking.

Done thinking, and what I’ve concluded is the reason Chris Hayes is so uncomfortable is that better people makes him realize how tiny his own manhood is.

Anyway, Chris Hayes has apologized, chastising all us rubes having barbecues and not thinking deep thoughts like him. Actually, that doesn’t really sound like an apology. I get this feeling this whole country makes Chris Hayes “uncomfortable.”

* Maybe one of the reasons troops make Chris Hayes so uncomfortable is that they hate him. Gallup has Romney with a 24 point lead among veterans. How can those people be heroes and vote against Democrats? Actually, you’d think Hayes would then consider the troops who gave their lives to be heroes, since the ones who are dead are much more likely to be voting Democrat.

* Anyway, things haven’t been looking so good for the left with them taking over and having a complete disaster with the economy on their hands. Maybe they can really run with this “we shouldn’t praise troops so much” stance and totally beat the Republicans on that.

* Been hearing about Obama’s “Choom Gang” in high school quite a bit lately. So is that an actual thing or is that a composite of multiple drug using groups he was a member of? And why haven’t we heard about this until now? When Obama first appeared on the scene, I was doubtful of Obama’s ability because he had never shown any leadership before. But now we found out he was the leader of the Choom Gang and strictly enforced pot smoking protocol. Whatever happened to that Obama?

* And here’s a weird thing: While talking about contraception, Obama twice mentioned “my sons.” Is there something else mentioned in Dreams From My Father that no one’s gotten around to reading yet?

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Random Thoughts: Wasting Time

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 9:25 am

Cocaine abuse causes ear-enlargement.

I’m worried about air-headed extremists taking over the GOP.

“We need to drastically reduce spending.”
“I’m increasing spending at a lower rate!”
“That’s… not actually helpful.”

What’s the political philosophy where I don’t like nobody touching my stuff? Francis-ism?

When you start assuming things, you make an ass out of you and Ming the Merciless.

I don’t meet a lot of other political writers in Boise. I think it’s technically outside the Beltway.

When you look up “dictionary” in a dictionary, it will PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE FOR WASTING ITS TIME!

Gah! Dropped my iPad and the screen cracked!

Can’t see the crack when it’s on, but it’s perfect screen is no longer perfect. #FirstWorldProblems

No matter how bad your day has been, you can say, “At least I’m not Frank J. who cracked his iPad screen.”

Can’t we finally put an end to this bitter partisanship and have a civil war?

Was at a Mexican restaurant and a game was on the TV. Buttercup saw it and shouted, “Touchdown!” Wrong football.

So what do you say for Memorial Day? “Happy Memorial Day!” doesn’t seem right.

The economy hasn’t been a good argument for the left, but maybe they’ll get more traction out of, “Troops who died aren’t heroes.”

That was fun. Can’t believe Michael Graham stumped me on what I had been writing on; couldn’t remember last two columns for the life of me.

And that was a milestone for me: first time I was invited back to a radio show! That either means I’m getting better or radio is getting more desperate.

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The Everything We Owe Them

Monday, May 28, 2012 8:09 pm

[High Praise! to The Looking Spoon]

From the trouble-making, muck-raking, feelings-hurting, rude, insensitive, tasteless, tactless court-jesters at IMAO, our sincerest thanks to those who made it possible to keep our fellow freedom-lovers entertained on a daily basis.

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Celebrating Memorial Day: You’re Doing It Right

Monday, May 28, 2012 7:06 pm

The best way to honor those who fell: enjoy their gift of being able to live as free men in a free country.

Enjoy some freedom today.

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Link of the Day: This Is What Honor Means

Monday, May 28, 2012 6:04 pm

[High Praise! to T Rich]

A (for Bill Whittle) short essay on the meaning of the word “honor” as applied to the US military.

HONOR

A timeless piece written in 2002, still relevant 10 years later, and especially appropriate for Memorial Day.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Memorial Day: The Gift of Illiteracy

Monday, May 28, 2012 1:02 pm

This has been in the IMAO Store for a while. Probably a good day to hang it in the window, figuratively speaking:

Feel free to resize as necessary and stick it on your website, if you’re so inclined.

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A Different Way to Celebrate Memorial Day

Monday, May 28, 2012 12:07 pm

The best way to honor those who fell: enjoy their gift of being able to live as free men in a free country.

Celebrate today by kicking a British soldier out of your house.

[Seriously though, you should be REALLY happy we’ve got the Third Amendment]

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27 Fun Facts About the Constitution

Monday, May 28, 2012 7:00 am

From the American armed services oath of enlistment:

“I, [state your name], do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.”

As a good American, it behooves you to know more about this precious document so many fought and died protecting, and thus I offer these Fun Facts About the Constitution:
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Contrary to current popular belief, does not contain an expiration date.

1) Despite a strong popular movement in the 1980’s, there was never an official ratification of the Constitutional amendment recognizing your right to party, although many people continue to fight for it to this day.

2) Four of the signers of the Constitution were born in Ireland. As such, the “secure the blessings of liberty” clause in the Preamble is generally considered to cover drinking and fighting [see “United States v. Paddy O’Tatertot,” 1846]

3) The U.S. Constitution has 4,400 words. It is the oldest and shortest written Constitution of any major government in the world. North Korea’s “Shut up and obey” is shorter, but only dates from 1953.

4) Of the spelling errors in the Constitution, “Pensylvania” above the signers’ names is probably the most glaring. Of the misinterpretations, it’s Obama considering “commerce” to include “the act of not buying health insurance.”

5) The Constitution was “penned” by Jacob Shallus, a Pennsylvania General Assembly clerk, for $30, which – in today’s dollars – is about twice as much Bill Ayers got for writing Obama’s “autobiography.” Understandable, since Jacob didn’t have to make up anything about eating dogs.

6) Since 1952, the Constitution has been on display in the National Archives Building in Washington, DC. Currently, all four pages are displayed behind protective glass framed with titanium. To preserve the parchment’s quality, the cases contain argon gas and are kept at 67 degrees Fahrenheit with a relative humidity of 40 percent. It’s guarded by 10 men with strict orders to shoot Nicholas Cage on sight.

7) The Constitution does not set forth requirements for the right to vote. As a result, at the outset of the Union, only male property-owners could vote. African Americans were not considered citizens, and women were excluded from the electoral process. Native Americans were not given the right to vote until 1924. Dead people voting is not, strictly speaking, constitutional, just a time-honored Chicago tradition.

8) James Madison, “the father of the Constitution,” was the first to arrive in Philadelphia for the Constitutional Convention. He was also the first to concuss a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback with a thrown beer bottle.

9) When it came time for the states to ratify the Constitution, the lack of any bill of rights was the primary sticking point, with the unresolved question of whether Miller Lite tasted great or was less filling running a close second.

10) Because of his poor health, Benjamin Franklin needed help to sign the Constitution. As he did so, tears streamed down his face. Pansy cried at the end of “Titanic,” too.

11) The youngest person to sign the Constitution was Jonathan Dayton of New Jersey, age 26, who nearly refused since the document didn’t allow him to stay on his parents’ health insurance.

12) When the Constitution was signed, the United States’ population was 4 million. Surprisingly, 99% of the population at that time did not consist of spoiled, entitled idiots with too much free time and a desperate need for attention.

13) A proclamation by President George Washington and a congressional resolution established the first national Thanksgiving Day on November 26, 1789. The reason for the holiday was to give “thanks” for the new Constitution. This led directly to the Second Amendment right to “keep and bear turkey dinners.”

14) There was initially a question as to how to address the President, since it wasn’t mentioned in the Constitution. The Senate proposed that he be addressed as “His Highness the President of the United States of America and Protector of their Liberties.” Both the House of Representatives and the Senate compromised on the use of “President of the United States.” This was eventually shortened to “Bushitler.”

15) George Washington and James Madison were the only presidents who signed the Constitution. Counting Grover Cleveland’s two non-consecutive terms as one president, 40 more at least read it.

16) As Benjamin Franklin left the Pennsylvania State House after the final meeting of the Constitutional Convention on September 17, 1787, he was approached by the wife of the mayor of Philadelphia. She was curious as to what the new government would be. Franklin replied, “A republic, madam. If you can keep it.” Some urban legends claim he also added “or whatever tatters Obama leaves you with.”

17) Vermont ratified the Constitution on January 10, 1791, even though it had not yet become a state. Bunch of over-eager, sugar-addled syrup-swillers.

18) The word “democracy” does not appear once in the Constitution. Neither does the phrase, “knock it off, you stupid foreigners or we’ll bomb the crap out of you and steal your oil,” although most historians now agree it should have.

19) There was a proposal at the Constitutional Convention to limit the standing army for the country to 5,000 men. George Washington sarcastically agreed with this proposal as long as a stipulation was added that no invading army could number more than 3,000 troops. This later became known as “The Obama Doctrine.”

20) The delegates were involved in Constitutional debates from 10 a.m. until 3 p.m. six days a week with only a 10 day break during the duration of the convention. This is the last time a government body worked that hard without doing more harm than good.

21) From 1804 to 1865 there were no amendments added to the Constitution. This was the longest unamended period in American history. Since then, politicians have been fiddling with the Constitution like over-caffeinated ferrets twiddling with a Rubik’s Cube.

22) After the Constitution was ratified, the national government spent $4.3 million during the first session of Congress from 1789-1791. These days, that wouldn’t buy those spendthrift bastards lunch.

23) At the conclusion of the Constitutional Convention in 1787, Benjamin Franklin observed the symbol of a half-sun on George Washington’s chair and remarked, “I have the happiness to know that it is a rising and not a setting sun.” Turns out an “American Day” only lasts 222 years.

24) Benjamin Franklin made a suggestion at the Constitutional Convention that the sessions be opened with a prayer. The delegates refused to accept the motion, stating that there was not enough money to hire a chaplain. Apparently they were saving up to fund development of a “sun-energized horseless-carriage.”

25) Of the 55 delegates who attended the Constitutional Convention, 34 were lawyers, 8 had signed the Declaration of Independence, and almost half were Revolutionary War veterans. All of them supported “gay marriage,” but not the kind you’re thinking of.

26) During the Constitutional Convention, Elbridge Gerry of Massachusetts was opposed to the office of Vice President, saying, “the close intimacy that must subsist between the President and Vice President makes it absolutely improper.” Like I said, not the kind of gay marriage you’re thinking of.

27) The only other language besides English used in various parts of the Constitution is Latin. Although with the current President, apparently it’s all Greek to him.
______________

Remember, the best way to honor those who fell: enjoy their gift of being able to live as free men in a free country.

Today, I’m going with free speech.

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Memorial Day 2012

Monday, May 28, 2012 6:00 am
Tomb of the Unknowns, Arlington National Cemetery. Photo by Department of Defense
Tomb of the Unknowns, Arlington National Cemetery. Photo by Department of Defense

Remember those that gave all for you.

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What’s It Like Being Part of Obama’s Choom Gang?

Sunday, May 27, 2012 8:06 pm

Innominatus [High (no pun intended) Praise!] imagines:

Barry choomy road trip

Excerpt:

[Obama] “Yeah, we’d take a dog with us and go road trippin’, heh. The smoke of the herb would like, heh, totally fill the car. Man, that smoke would get in, on, and all over everything, heh, ‘cuz VW’s are like, watertight, man.”

[Plouffe] “Whoa. Dude. Heh.”

[Obama] “Then we’d pull over and roast the dog over a bonfire. We called him Herby the Yum Pug.”

Plouffe laughs so hard that water comes out the stem of his bong like the Fountain of Trevi.

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How to Explain to Liberals Where Money Comes From

Sunday, May 27, 2012 7:09 pm

I know it can be an uncomfortable conversation, but if we truly love them, we need to do our best to make them understand:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #75,483)

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Link of the Day: Obama Propaganda Posters You’ll Be Seeing Soon

Sunday, May 27, 2012 6:01 pm

…if you click the link.

Gov’t Propaganda Comes to America: What Took So Long?

Is there any doubt in your mind that Obama would use these if he thought the blowback wouldn’t be ate-a-dog-awful?

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Are You Secure Enough in Your Manhood to Fire This Ammo?

Sunday, May 27, 2012 4:18 pm

Purse-chihuahua not included.

[High Praise! to Pereiraville]

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Caption THIS! Obama Tweeting From a Laptop

Sunday, May 27, 2012 12:29 pm

OO! Look! He’s so tech-savvy!

Sorry, not in the mood for White House propaganda, today, so I’m just gonna be crabby about it, instead.
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* Headline: “President Obama demoted to Secretary of Typing.”

* They gave him the one with black keys! RACISM!

* Out of view, on the chalkboard in the background: “Ideas For Fixing the Economy”. In view: all their ideas.

* Earned $800,000 last year. Can’t afford a laptop with built-in wireless.

* “WRONG! Index fingers on ‘F’ and ‘J’! Now do it again!.”

* “So… red 7 on the black 8?”

* “I can’t find the cat in ANY of these pictures!” – “Sorry sir, you already fired all the Secret Service agents with any expertise in this area.”
______________

Your turn.

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How to Cook Bacon Perfectly

Saturday, May 26, 2012 7:00 pm

[CAUTION: May contain scenes of porcine preparation and ingestion unsuitable for non-infidels]

[High Praise! to American Digest]


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #161,444)

We should probably investigate the 12 people who “disliked” this video, because that… you know… fits the profile.

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Link of the Day: Forget Facebook, THIS Is the Future

Saturday, May 26, 2012 6:04 pm

[High Praise! to American Digest]

Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Are Sparkly Vampires Actually a Disease From Outer Space?

Saturday, May 26, 2012 2:06 pm

High Praise! to Bad Science for pointing out that pretty, angst-ridden vampires aren’t the only thing that both sparkles and threatens humanity:


[YouTube direct link]

________________

UPDATE: Linked by Ace of Spades HQ

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Fun Facts About the 50 States: Arizona

Saturday, May 26, 2012 7:00 am

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we’re going out to where even the Gila Monsters use SPF 50 as we head west to Arizona, so let’s get started…
______________

The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona’s state flag represent the original 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.

* Arizona is a large state in the southwestern US. It was originally part of Mexico until after the Mexican-American war when it snuck across the border.

* Many old people move to Arizona to retire, only to be sold as slaves to work in the state’s many copper mines.

* The original London Bridge was shipped stone-by-stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, mostly to give retirees something to do between mining shifts.

* The Arizona desert was the site of many nuclear tests in the 1950’s. Which explains why Senator John McCain has no hair.

* What happened to his spine is still a mystery.

* The Grand Canyon is located in Arizona and was discovered by the Brady Bunch in 1971.

* Raise your hand if you wish Bobby & Cindy would’ve STAYED lost.

* Yeah, me too.

* Arizona’s state fossil is petrified wood, which has NOTHING to do with old men and Viagra.

* Arizona has a reputation for incredibly hot weather, however, during the winter months, it gets cold enough that molten steel will actually freeze solid if left outside.

* Arizona is a Hopi Indian word meaning “Help! I’m melting!”

* Arizona was once struck by a giant meteor that left a crater over a mile in diameter. Geologic studies of the area indicate that God was actually aiming for Las Vegas.

* There are 11 different species of rattlesnake in Arizona. Surprisingly, none of them taste like chicken.

* Despite the presence of a large, modern football stadium in Glendale, Arizona, the state has no professional football team. The key word here being “professional”.

* The state gemstone of Arizona is turquoise, a semi-precious stone with a name so gay even General Motors wouldn’t name a car after it.

* One of the most attractive features of Arizona are its many towering stone mesas. While driving underneath them, be careful to watch for falling coyotes.

* Heh. He’ll NEVER catch that roadrunner.

* The state plant of Arizona is the Saguaro Cactus. It’s numerous sharp spines are perfect for holding your unused rattlesnakes.

* When you need them again, you can peel them right off. Just like velcro!

* The state neckwear of Arizona is the cattle-rustler’s noose.

* The landlocked state of Arizona once had a battleship named after it, which makes about as much sense as a weight loss program named after Michael Moore.

* The state bird of Arizona is the Cactus Wren, a small bird that will fit neatly between your unused rattlesnakes.

* The majority of Arizona’s land is set aside as reservations for Indians, none of whom can rain dance worth a damn.

* The Hopi Indians of Arizona are best known for their multi-colored “Indian corn” as well as their annual “most colorful poo” contest.

* The Grand Canyon’s most famous waterfall, “Disaster Falls” was named after Howard Dean’s presidential campaign. YEEEEARGH!!!

* Camels were once used to transport goods across Arizona, but were banned after it was discovered that their noxious emissions contributed to global warming.

* Don’t believe me? Just look at what they’ve done to the Middle East.

* The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona’s state flag represent the original 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.

* Very few battles in the Civil War were actually fought in Arizona because it was just too damn hot to fight. Mostly they just flipped a coin to determine a winner.

* Thank God the North had a good supply of two-headed coins.

* Arizona became the 48th state on February 14th, 1912, thus freeing Mexicans from the burden of having to sneak all the way north into Utah.
______________

That wraps up the Arizona edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be cigar-shopping in Clinton country as we take a look at Arkansas.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go grab some of my unused rattlesnakes. [insert velcro sound effect]

______________

[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

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The 60-Second Obama Anti-Capitalist Audio Montage

Friday, May 25, 2012 8:14 pm

From the Rush Limbaugh Show, via a video clip posted on Fox Nation, here’s just the audio of Obama saying a collection of anti-capitalist things, without Rush’s commentary:

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

NOTE: Obama’s comment “White folks’ greed runs a world in need.” was from the audiobook version of “Dreams From My Father.”

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