LONDON (AP) – A Channel Islands auction house said that it has sold a vial allegedly containing a blood sample from Ronald Reagan to a right wing blogger in Idaho who claims he intends to use it to create “an unstoppable army of Reagan clones.”
The blogger, known on the internet by the obviously fake name “Frank J”, said it was all part of his plan to “Keep America Awesome.”
“I’ve done a lot to serve my country in the past,” said Frank. “Mostly by having a brother who’s a Marine. But also by launching various intricate schemes to defeat those who would put limits on the awesomeness of this great nation. Not just degenerate foreigners, but other smelly things, like monkeys & hippies.”
“Unfortunately, my plans don’t always quite work as well as I hope,” Frank said. “Like my S.M.I.T.E. space laser platform that hit the Navy SEAL stealth helicopter instead of bin Laden’s dialysis machine. Or that incident with my “Dinosaurs With Rocket Launchers” plan, the debacle of which was chronicled in the documentary, ‘Jurassic Park.'”
Despite his previous “minor setbacks” the “crazy, but not dangerous” right-wing humor blogger insisted that his “Reagan Clone Army” idea was “foolproof.”
“I’ve spent a lot of time study the flaws of previous historical attempts to create clone armies,” said Frank, a look of grim determination crossing his face. “I’ve eliminated all possible obstacles to success. There will be no CGI hairless rabbits with Jamaican accents, no shadowy Senators who enjoy cross-dressing in hooded bathrobes, and most importantly, the thermal exhaust ports on my planet-destroying space stations will all be smaller than womp rats.”
Ace IMAO Reporter silaS marreD [High Praise!] contributed to this story.