Archive for June, 2012

R.I.P. Frank J. Fleming (1945-2012)

Saturday, June 30, 2012 11:20 am

My father, for whom I was named, passed away Wednesday night at the age of 67, just in time to not be bothered with the Obamacare decision. He had been fighting cancer and other ailments for quite some time — many of them related to Agent Orange exposure, so perhaps in a way he was a very late Vietnam War casualty.

My father was the single greatest influence on my sense of humor — even more so than the first ten seasons of The Simpsons. He always teased us kids, and that was his way of showing he loved us. Not that I knew it early on when I would say, “I’m hungry,” and he’d respond with, “Nice to meet you hungry.” I remember when I first successfully teased him back. I was helping with a Boy Scout roadside clean up and he mentioned to me how he had once been to a think tank, and without missing a beat I responded, “What were you doing there? Were you lost?” I could tell he was very proud.

I’m so glad my wife and I ended up in Boise back in 2007 so we could spend more time with him and my mom. I could tell he loved my wife SarahK very much as he was always saying mean things to her, even to his last days. And we’re so thankful God blessed us with little Buttercup, a little ray of sunshine for him and my mom during troubled times. She liked to sit on her papa’s lap and color. She wasn’t old enough for my dad to tease her, so that will be up to me.

Father’s Day this year was pretty hard on me, as I knew there wasn’t much time left, and looking at my father I feel like so far I’m only play acting a dad to little Buttercup. Throughout my childhood, I always felt loved and secure because my father was there, and I feel like I still have a lot of growing up to do to be that for Buttercup. I had a childhood that was about as close as you can have to one of those Norman Rockwell paintings because he and my mom always worked hard to do the best for us kids, and it’s a lot to live up to. I know I should feel sad now that my father has passed, but I just feel so glad to have had such a great dad for as long as I did.

There’s just a little bit of my dad here on my blog. A long while back, I collected military stories from people and got a couple from him. And if you look around, there are some blog comments out there from “Mean Old Man.” Goodbye, dad. And now I’m just looking forward until the day that Buttercup first tells me she’s hungry.

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Fun Facts About the 50 States: Delaware

Saturday, June 30, 2012 7:00 am

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your pumpkin catapult, because we’re taking a trip to Delaware, so let’s get started…
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The state flag of Delaware features two male figures labeled “Liberty and Independence”, memorializing a popular comedy team of the day.

* Delaware is a small state located in the Northeastern US in the New England region. Which is much like Old England, except with fewer spam-loving Vikings.

* At it’s widest point, Delaware is 35 miles across, which means – in THEORY – that the state *could* contain Michael Moore’s ass.

* The world’s largest frying pan was built in Selbyville, Delaware, in 1950 for the DelMarVa Peninsula Annual Chicken Festival. It’s 10 feet across, holds 800 chicken quarters, and is the only reason Michael Moore might try to squeeze his ass into Delaware.

* Delaware was the first state to ratify the US constitution in 1787. This is why people from Delaware are always wearing big foam fingers and shouting “we’re #1!”

* Can’t blame ‘em, I guess. It’s not like they have any sports teams to get excited about. Although the ones who don’t read so well sometimes make a fuss over “their” basketball team the “Dover” Nuggets.

* Delaware shares a semi-circular border with Pennsylvania, which marks the perimeter of the area guarded by the official state pit bull that’s chained up in Wilmington.

* The official state bug of Delaware is the ladybug, an insect easily identified by its red back, black spots, and 6 tiny foam fingers.

* Delaware is the only state in the US without any national parks. They were all eliminated as part of the plea bargain after Smokey the Bear was indicted in Delaware on arson charges.

* Delaware is the second smallest state in the US. It actually WAS the smallest at one time, but then they gave the state Pit Bull another 10 feet of chain.

* Although the log cabin was invented in Delaware in 1645, only one log cabin remains intact today, the rest having been eaten by ladybugs.

* The state bird of Delaware is The Blue Hen chicken which is known for it fighting ability. During the Revolutionary war, a single Blue Hen once defeated an entire platoon of French soldiers.

* Unfortunately, the French were fighting on America’s side at the time, and it would’ve cost us the war if they hadn’t been rescued at the last second by a brigade of lady bugs.

* The first settlers arrived in Delaware 11 years after the arrival of the Mayflower, because the men in charge wouldn’t stop to ask for directions.

* The official state song of Delaware is “Our Delaware”, recorded by Chuck Berry in 1972.

* Wait… I’m thinking of “My Ding-a-Ling”. Nevermind.

* The highest point in Delaware is a mere 442 feet above sea level. Despite the lack of mountains, Delaware DOES actually have a ski resort, located 5 miles north of Munchkin City.

* The first permanent colony on Delaware soil was New Sweden, which quickly died out because none of the other colonists could understand a damn word they said.

* I mean, how were THEY supposed to know that “Vhee zee cuoorfa hooffa heemun!” meant “Help us! We’re starving!”?

* A common sight on Delaware beaches are horseshoe crabs and shuffleboard lobsters.

* Delaware’s official state colors are “Colonial blue” and “buff”, which is just completely gay.

* The Delaware Indians were the most advanced and civilized of all the tribes in America until the White Man came, gave them smallpox, and stole their oil.

* Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, was born in Wilmington, Delaware. He developed his famous live-saving technique quite accidentally, while researching ways to sneak up behind people and punch them in stomach.

* Poodle Beach in Delaware was voted America’s Gayest Beach for 10 consecutive years. It’s annual Drag Queen volleyball competition attracts thousands of… Hey! Is that Tom Cruise?

* Sussex County, Delaware, is home to the annual Punkin’ Chunkin’ contest, where people use homemade catapults to throw pumpkins as far as they can. Prizes are awarded for distance, accuracy, and the pumpkin that most resembles Ted Kennedy’s fat head.

* Many residents of Delaware enjoy eating “scrapple”, a dish made from cornmeal mixed with pigs’ hearts, livers, snouts, tails, and other parts too disgusting to be eaten on their own. If you’re given the choice between eating scrapple fried or baked, choose suicide.

* Delaware does NOT charge a sales tax on consumer purchases. It DOES, however, tax the earnings of prostitutes, since that’s technically considered a “rental”.

* The test for a driver’s license in Delaware is to turn your car around without any part of it leaving the state.

* No one in Delaware has a driver’s license.

* During World War II, 12 concrete towers were built along the Delaware coastline so that observers could watch for the approach of German submarines. 1000 yards away. Underwater. In the dark.

* Why yes, it WAS a union job. How did you know?
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That wraps up the Delaware edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be wondering if that’s a leather coat that guy is wearing or if he’s just another senior citizen with a tan as we visit Florida.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go throw myself off a cliff so that I don’t have to eat this plate of scrapple.

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[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

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Pelosi Opens Her Big Yap After SCOTUS Ruling

Friday, June 29, 2012 10:03 pm

You know what that gloating hag Pelosi said after the Supreme Court decision? “We made history.”

Yeah, well if that’s true, then my dog just made history on the living room rug.

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Moon Nuker Theater: Space Debt

Friday, June 29, 2012 9:01 pm

[High Praise! to Dave]


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1)

You can take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies”). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it isn’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

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You’ve Been Judged!

Friday, June 29, 2012 8:17 pm

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to Barack Obama said, “I had a terrible dream last night…”

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

By the way, I should mention that #1 was a hell of a read. I guarantee you won’t see its equal until John starts his own blog.

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See? It’s a GOOD Thing Holder’s in Contempt

Friday, June 29, 2012 8:04 pm

I see the House voted 255-67 to hold Attorney General Eric Holder in criminal contempt for not turning over the requested documents related to Fast & Furious.

A criminal Attorney General… a perfect matching bookend for the tax cheat Treasury Secretary.

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Foolproof Plan for Repealing Obamacare

Friday, June 29, 2012 7:07 pm

Simply challenge the Democrats to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. If they lose, they have to vote in favor of repeal:


[Guardian direct link]

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“Researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a robot hand that has a 100% winning rate playing rock-paper-scissors. Using a high-speed camera, the robot recognises within one millisecond which shape the human hand is making, then produces the corresponding winning shape.”

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Link of the Day: Why Obamacare Is Like a Dog and Leaked F&F Documents

Friday, June 29, 2012 6:08 pm

Twofer today. Keln at Nuking Politics has been putting some commenters on stage, and, in my best cranky British reality show judge voice, I give them a “yes”.

First, Charon with:

That Poor Dog

Excerpt:

this is a post about that stupid, stupid dog the Liberals have. Commerce Clause. It’s probably a Jack Russel or something as bewilderingly stupid. Commerce Clause had been smacked on the nose a few years ago, and sent chasing after justification for everything the pinkos want. Today, it reached the end of it’s chain, well… Justice Roberts stepped on it’s chain, and the once rampant Commerce Clause got clotheslined, like the dog that big rooster used to torment. Whatever happened to him? He seemed like a nice conservative gent…

Second, Arik with:

Leaked F&F Documents Prove Obama’s Brilliance

Excerpt:

In a stunning turn of events, WTFA-TV, the NBC affiliate in Washington, DC, has come into possession of a number of documents purported to be from the Department of Justice regarding the Fast and Furious gunrunning scandal.

While the House investigation into the scandal focuses on the theory that the gunrunning program is either a botched attempt to track guns from weapons dealers in the U.S. to drug cartels in Mexico, or the much more cynical theory that it was a botched attempt to subvert the second amendment regarding U.S. citizens’ right to bear arms, the new documents appear to point in a much different direction.

In one email from the President to Attorney General Holder, Obama is quoted: “Undocumented immigration from Mexico is becoming a terrible burden on the economy. In addition, I think American citizens have a right to safe and secure borders. We need to come up with a plan to secure the borders and keep this great nation safe.”

[Think you have a link that's IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Democrats Squander Your Campaign Contributions

Friday, June 29, 2012 5:08 pm

[High Praise! to Hunter of Atomic Monkey Action Squad]

Recent screenshot from IMAO:

Maybe Fauxcahontas should consider a new PR guy for her election run, because the one she has doesn’t seem to understand that just because a website mentions someone’s name, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re friendly or even receptive to the message.

I really hope they’re not getting billed pay-per-click. That could end up being both ineffective AND expensive for the Warren campaign.

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Top 10 Things Obama Said After the SCOTUS Ruling on Obamacare

Friday, June 29, 2012 4:04 pm

(A guest-post from T-dog [High Praise!]
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10: “Huh… that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

9: “I’m glad the Supreme Court knows the Constitution as well as I pretend to know it.”

8: “I know I said the Supreme Court doesn’t have power to make decisions like this, but it worked in my favor so who cares.”

7: “Let me be clear, this is a tax, not what I said it wasn’t earlier.”

6: “Quiet on the putting green.”

5: “I passed Obamacare, I ruled on its constitutionality, and I have taken possession of the Supreme Court.”

4: “Today healthcare. Tomorrow Piggly Wiggly!”

3: “Today I begin to rule my opponents with an iron fist of jello.”

2: “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still Animal Farm.”

1: “I. Am. Screwed.”

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Partially Agreeing With the Democrat from Missouri

Friday, June 29, 2012 3:09 pm

Democrat Missouri Governor Jay Nixon recently explained why he doesn’t plan on implementing Obamacare in his state, saying “There are aspects of it that just don’t make sense here.”

To be perfectly accurate, Governor, there ain’t a damn bit of it makes sense anywhere.

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Moon Nuker Mail: Wait… Why the Heck Would Democrats Like Obamacare?

Friday, June 29, 2012 2:00 pm

Marilyn [High Praise!] emailed with this quite sensible observation:
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Having read a lot of pro Obamacare comments today, I find it interesting that the same people who are all about unlimited welfare suddenly feel that people should have to purchase insurance so everyone else doesn’t have to foot their unpaid medical bills. So welfare, endless federal unemployment and food stamps are fine, but they draw the line at a hospital bill?

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Now THIS Is How to Deal With Hate Mail From Liberal Idiots

Friday, June 29, 2012 1:05 pm

[via Hot Air]

Full disclosure: I have not read the children’s book, “One Nation Under God: A Book for Little Patriots“. For all I know, the writing could be terrible and the artwork atrocious.

However, none of the vile (but censored in the video) complaints posted by left-wing commenters were bemoaning the product’s quality. They simply attacked the very values the book embodied with Attilainian viciousness, sans even an iota of grace or reason.

However, the author’s response to the messages… it’s the sort of brilliantly understated right-wing satire that dreams are made of:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #14,519)

Instead of arguing with those bigoted, brain-dead, raged-out simpletons, she just rolled with their petty insults and made a point of showing that, bless their little hearts, of COURSE their one-dimensional sterotypes are perfectly accurate.

You can almost hear their heads exploding.

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Straight Line of the Day: Obama Just Proposed a New Piece of Legislation…

Friday, June 29, 2012 12:00 pm

[High Praise! to T-dog]

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Obama just proposed a new piece of legislation…

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Obama’s Newest Campaign Theme

Friday, June 29, 2012 11:09 am

Buzzfeed notes that, in the last few campaign stops, President Obama has been test-driving the theme that his re-election can “break the stalemate”.

Ya know… I think we’d rather just quit playing his game, instead.

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Cats Against Obamacare

Friday, June 29, 2012 10:52 am

DamnCat [High Praise!] on Obamacare:

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Moon Nuker Theater: Abraham Lincoln Reacts to the Supreme Court’s Health Care Decision

Friday, June 29, 2012 10:00 am

[High Praise! to Chris]


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #16)

You can take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies”). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it isn’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

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A Public Service Message for Those Disappointed by the SCOTUS Obamacare Decision

Friday, June 29, 2012 8:02 am

[High Praise! to Les of Brick Moon for creating this]

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Satire: Obama to Skip Convention

Thursday, June 28, 2012 10:07 pm

Reader Arik getting his shot at fame & glory at Nuking Politics.

Excerpt:

In a surprise move, President Obama today announced that he will not attend the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina, in August. This would mark the first time a presidential candidate has missed the convention at which he was to be nominated.

This move, described as “the Nuclear Option,” comes as a number of other prominent Democrats, including West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin and Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill, have also chosen to skip the convention in order to focus on what promise to be difficult reelection campaigns.

Said the President: “I have a lot of work to do for the people, and they need me to do it. It’s important that I so what they need me to do and I won’t let them down. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make this putt to save par.”

More at the link above.

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You’ve Been Judged!

Thursday, June 28, 2012 9:16 pm

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “How can you tell if Obama’s been in your house?“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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