Frank Writing Advice: Perfect Writing Conditions

Posted on June 13, 2012 5:00 pm

I was thinking since I’m like a professional writer now whose columns are widely read and has books out by important publishers, I should start giving out writing advice as that would really inflate my ego.

Anyway, my first bit of advice is on getting the right conditions for writing. Now, you need a nice quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. My favorite place is the nearby Starbucks.

Now, yes, that place isn’t always quiet, which is why you have to let people know you’re writing so they’ll be respectful. For instance, anytime someone starts getting loud there, I just yell out, “Quiet! I’m busy writing an article for a major newspaper!” I often have to yell that out many times. And other times people will try to talk to each other and I’ll have to say, “Now, what’s more important here? You’re silly little conversation or my article which will be read by like a million people? Come on!”

It also helps to be writing on a laptop with a glowing Apple logo so people are well aware you’re a creative person. And you should also have a creative type hat like a beret — preferably one that says “IMPORTANT WRITER” on it — so people know you’re an intellectual who needs his quiet. And even if everyone is leaving you alone, sometimes you still want to yell out, “Hugely creative writing going on here!” every so often so people continue to give you your space.

And if you ever get kicked out of a Starbucks, there’s always another one nearby.

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10 Responses to “Frank Writing Advice: Perfect Writing Conditions”

  1. MarkoMancuso says:

    Who writes at Starbucks besides pretentious liberal potbrains? Are we sure your real name isn’t Frank J. Hipster?

  2. Jimmy says:

    Or your hat could say stuff like:

    “IMAO – I’m Way More Important Than You, You Coffee-Brained Democrat!!”


    “That coffee isn’t doing your Liberal head any good! Only Conservatives should drink coffee!”

    I’ll remember to look for your hat with lots of words on it in StarΓucks.

  3. TiminAL says:

    And here’s the really funny part -no offense Mr. J- This was the banner ad above the comments just now:

  4. Skylark Ice says:

    I am not an “important writer”, but I am “important”. If I see you in Starcoffee I will be your important security. If some insecure, jealous person does not heed your admonition to be respectful of an “important person” I will be in their face. Because I am “important”, they will show you the respect you deserve and praise your “important” position. If you get kicked out, can I have a ride home?

  5. Harvey says:

    You punk kids and your important looking hats.

    Back in MY day, we didn’t NEED important looking hats, because we had important looking HAIR, and by gum, that’s the way we LIKED it!

    Now git offa mah lawn!

  6. Skylark Ice says:

    I will help you keep the “not important” kids off your lawn. :)

  7. Keln says:


    I saw a pretty funny banner ad here just a few minutes ago. Funny, accurate, and sad:

  8. ussjimmycarter says:

    Anyone in Minnesota caught anywhere with a Beret of any kind is grabbed, pants and carried to the nearest public facility where his head (baret attached) is stuffed tightly in the toilet as it is flushed multiple times. A used un-flushed unit is preferred! We are just that kind of people up here! Men are men and women are glad of it types…Paul Wellstone, Al Franken? Oh yea…sigh :(

  9. jw says:

    or you could write at The Elephant House Coffee Shop and make as much money as J.K. Rowling did.

  10. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    What sort of headgear/headwear have past “important” writes worn? Hemingway, Whittaker Chambers…I’m thinking fedora-wide-brimmed Panama after Memorial Day. Buckley probably wore a Greek fishing hat while typing on the after section of one of his sailboats. Dick Marcinko sports either a kaffiyeh or a Seal Team VI ballcap.

    Berets are for Gallic poseurs.

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