Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we’re going to where “rustic charm” is just a real-estate-euphemism for “front-yard washing machine” as we head on down to Arkansas, so let’s get started…
* Arkansas is a medium-sized state in the south central US. It became the 25th state in 1836 in an effort to make Mississippians appear comparatively well-educated.
* The pine tree is the official state tree of Arkansas, although there is a growing movement in the state to nominate the oak tree, because it’s not as hard to spell.
* The state motto of Arkansas is “book learnin’s fer sissies!”.
* Little Rock, Arkansas, is the site of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. Just look for the building that’s shaped like a damp cigar.
* There’s also a Hillary Clinton Library, which is shaped like an unquenchable thirst for political power.
* Arkansas has several state flowers, including Apple Blossoms, Violets, and Gennifer.
* Arkansas was orginally owned by the French, but was sold to the US as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Thomas Jefferson tried to return Arkansas as defective merchandise, but he forgot to keep the receipt, so we’ve been stuck with it ever since.
* America’s winningest college football coach, Paul “Bear” Bryant was born in Arkansas. His nickname came from his habit of storming up and down the sidelines with his head stuck in a jar of honey.
* The city of Hot Springs, Arkansas is known for its many natural hot-water springs, which have an average temperature of 140 degrees. The area was known to the Sioux Indians as “Degataga” which means “OW! OW! OW!”
* General Douglas McArthur was born in Little Rock, Arkansas, but soon left the state in search of more Japs upon whom to wreak bloody vengeance.
* The 4 stars inside the white diamond on the Arkansas state flag represent the 4 important aspects of Arkansas life: babes, booze, betting and brawling.
* Arkansas re-instated the death penalty in 1991, but only for capital crimes such as murder and pronouncing the state’s name as ar-KAN-sas.
* Poet, actress, and singer Maya Angelou was not only born in Arkansas, she was also invited by Bill Clinton to read a poem at his 1993 inaugural. Amazingly, she was NOT sexually harrassed during the invitation.
* Some small farms in the Ozark Mountain region of Arkansas still maintain pioneer traditions such as hand-milking cows, plowing their fields with mules, and only burning witches if they weigh the same as a duck.
* The major exports of Arkansas are poultry, cattle and corrupt politicians.
* Arkansas is a great place for a family vacation since children under 18 are required to wear ball gags. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we… MFFMMRGRM!!!” – NOW we’re there ya little brat!
* Arkansas has embraced cutting-edge internet technology and is the first state in the US that allows citizens to bribe the Governor via PayPal.
* Arkansas contains numerous scenic cliffs, making it the most convenient state in the US for disposing of embarrassing dead bodies.
* Arkansas has a population of almost 3 million people, who, as a group, show less genetic variation than Mary Kate & Ashley.
* Arkansas provides free health care for all its citizens through numerous clinics around the state which dispense band-aids and moonshine.
* People from Arkansas are a warm and friendly folk who often greet perfect strangers and invite them into their homes before cooking and eating them.
* If someone from Arkansas says “hi” to you, shoot him before you end up in his oven.
* Wal-Mart started in Bentonville, Arkansas, but has since gone on to attack helpless cities across the United States. Sort of like Godzilla, except less radioactive.
* If your town is attacked by a Wal-Mart, don’t shoot it with bullets, because you’ll only make it angry. Try getting help from King Kong or Target, instead.
* Although Arkansas has produced such brilliant military minds as General Nathan Bedford Forrest, it has never produced anyone capable of defeating a Klingon in hand-to-hand combat.
That wraps up the Arkansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be slowly realizing that the idea of turning Los Angeles into a walled-off deportation center for degenerates shouldn’t have stalled out with a movie starring Kurt Russell as we take a look at California.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go PayPal the Governor.
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