New Advanced Hole-Making Technology
Every day we constantly need to put holes in things. Paper, plastics, wild animals — the things needing holes are endless. You could spend your whole day running up to things and putting holes in them. And some things that need holes in them, like criminals, are dangerous to get near. Well, what if I told you that there was a new technology that can not only quickly and easily makes holes in anything but can also do so at a distance? It sounds too good to be true, but it’s not. Let me introduce The Gun™.
It makes holes!
With it’s patented long-distance, hole-punching technology, The Gun™ can make holes in anything you want and at a distance. You can sit comfortably in your chair and put holes in cloth, metal, badgers, and Communists from a safe distance. And it can make any size hole you want such as standard sizes like .45 inches or metric sizes like 9mm.
But what if you need lots of holes in something and you need them all made quickly? Then check out the new semi-automatic The Gun™ which can make holes in rapid succession.
Lots of holes quickly!
But let’s say the thing you need a hole in is very far away such as a hundred yards away or more. I guess you’ll still have to drive over to it to make a hole. Wrong! The Gun™ also has a special extra long distance version. You can make a hole in anything up to a mile away.
Extra long distance hole making action!
So stop running up to things and putting holes in them with a knife like a fool. Buy yourself The Gun™ today and sit back and relax and let The Gun™ do all the hole-making work.
The Gun™: It makes holes!
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(13 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
June 26th, 2012 at 1:30 pm
Frank J., guns don’t make holes; people make holes.
June 26th, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Question: Would this work on someone who was trying to cause physical harm to my loved ones, or stop them from stealing my possessions?
June 26th, 2012 at 1:50 pm
SoB – Scientific research shows that the same genetic defect that makes harmers and stealers harm and steal also makes them have severe, sometimes life-threatening allergic reactions to holes.
So, yes – because The Gun™ – it makes holes!
June 26th, 2012 at 1:53 pm
I would pay upwards of $1000 for this product! Please tell me where I can run out to buy one today!
June 26th, 2012 at 1:58 pm
That’s some not-so-spooky action at a distance right there, Frank!
And if you thought The Gun™ is so advanced it actually uses Quantum Mechanics, you’d be right!
You load a quantum of powder and mechanically pull the trigger. Yay, for advanced hole-making physics!!
June 26th, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Are you tired of how your bulky, old-fashioned hearing protection makes you look like a dork? Are earplugs keeping you from listening to Ted Nugent while using your The Gun™? Fret no longer! Now, from the makers of The Gun™, its The Suppressor™! Now, with The Suppressor™ attached to The Gun™, you can make all the holes you’ll ever need without disturbing the neighbors, waking the baby, or giving away your position to anybody! And without all that costly hearing protection, you’ll save money and look cool while doing it!
Order now and we’ll also include a sample pack of Hollow Points™ for The Gun™ – when you only need a hole halfway through something.
June 26th, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Another way I like to think about it is, people already have some pretty nice holes in them already. So, under the right circumstances, adding a few more holes makes them even nicer!
Speaking of holes, I have moles and their holes are not nice.
June 26th, 2012 at 2:29 pm
All things in moderation, including moderation…
If you use words too repetitively in a comment, WordPress thinks you’re spamming, or something.
June 26th, 2012 at 2:50 pm
Suddenly! I have an urgent need for holes.
June 26th, 2012 at 3:07 pm
I thought I was being smart when I saw this item sold in packs at a grocery checkout line for a ridiculously low price, so I snatched up several. Upon returning home, I quickly started to unwrap one of the packages, eagerly anticipating an exhilarating session of long-distance hole punching. Imagine my chagrin when it turned out to contain only sticks of a sweet, chewable substance individually packaged in foil wrappers.
Learn from my mistake: read the label carefully. Accept no imitations.
The Gun™: it may not improve your breath, but if you’re carrying one, nobody is going to complain to you about it.
June 26th, 2012 at 3:29 pm
I need a gun like a criminal needs a hole in his head… I’m sold!
June 26th, 2012 at 4:22 pm
[...] [reference link] My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture: [...]
June 26th, 2012 at 5:17 pm
And if everyone had The Gun™ the world would be more holy.
July 24th, 2012 at 11:02 am
[...] There are a lot of things we need to put holes in and sometimes they’re at a [...]