Nuke the News: Still Bush’s Fault

* Here’s my new PJ Media column on Michael Bloomberg and the tyranny of choices. Sorry it’s like half short jokes, but when I got started, I couldn’t stop!

He just knows that without his direct control, you won’t be able to enjoy unhealthy foods in moderation, because, really, just look at how fat and stupid you all are. Actually, don’t look; it’s too depressing. Instead, keep your gaze on the health guru Bloomberg. Don’t you want a physique like his? He’s like a halfling warrior. See, Bloomberg embodies his own principles, as he’s not a wastefully large politician like New Jersey’s Chris Christie; instead, he’s fun-sized.

* So there was another jobs report Friday, and if you like jobs and an economy that is growing, it wasn’t very good news. So this is the challenge for Obama’s reelection: He has to convince people to give him another chance when he obviously sucks at everything. So what’s he doing? Blaming Bush! I mean, Bush hasn’t been president for three and a half years, but he was at the White House last week and probably sabotaged things while he was there. So that’s the Obama argument: The first term doesn’t count, so don’t judge him on it. But we should give him another four years based on how he… Okay, I don’t really understand the Obama reelection argument. What exactly has he done this first term that we’d want four more years of? Whining? I already have a toddler for that.

* Is this some sort of joke?

It’s like someone said, “Hey, we’re really desperate for a spokesperson to represent how Obama and his friends are a bunch of elitist, out of touch weirdos… Someone who would make Arianna Huffington sound like the common man in comparison.”

So, do you want to hang out with Anna Wintour, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Michelle Obama? Then defy God and break all his Commandments, because I’m pretty sure that’s what hell is like.

* So, it’s official, Green Lantern Alan Scott is now gay. Just to be clear though, he’s like the fourth or fifth most popular of the current Green Lanterns. Yes, he was the original, but like a lot of the Golden Age heroes, he’s considered pretty cheesy by today’s standards and hasn’t had his own comic book in eons. When people say “The Green Lantern” these days, they assume you’re referring to Hal Jordan (who Ryan Reynolds played in the recent movie). Then there are also John Stewart (different from Jon Stewart) and Guy Gardner, both of who are also probably more popular than Alan Scott. And for a while, DC Comics tried to make Kyle Rayner (artist from New York — but apparently not gay) the main Green Lantern, but no one liked him so Alan Scott may rank above him.

Anyway, I’m guessing Aquaman is happy they announced who the gay character so people will stop asking him questions.

* Wisconsin recall election tomorrow! This could spell the end of unions and then Democrat Party, so fingers crossed!

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15 Comments

  1. So, it’s official, Green Lantern Alan Scott is now gay.

    I worry what this will do for the action in those plastic action figures that boys play with.

    Also, we’re now on to predict his first love interest. After all, what’s the point of him being gay if he doesn’t engage in a gay lifestyle. I predict it’ll be Robin. C’mon we always knew something was up with him.

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  2. So, do you want to hang out with Anna Wintour, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Michelle Obama? Then defy God and break all his Commandments, because I’m pretty sure that’s what hell is like.

    Absolutely brilliant there, Frank. I’m still laughing at that line 10 minutes later. It would have been even funnier if I had any idea who Anna Wintour was, but fortunately Wikipedia knows all.

    Heh heh heh, still laughing here.

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  3. Let’s imagine ourselves in Bizarro World for just a moment, shall we?
    – Ann Romney participating in dressage for relief from a chronic disease: BAD!
    – A woman earning $2 mil/year makes commercial pitch for $2,500/plate dinner: GOOD!
    If this Wintour chick doesn’t work out, Anthony Sullivan, a.k.a. America’s Pitchman, is available. (He’s got a much better sense of humor than Wintour.)

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  4. I was puzzled by the illustration that headed the article about Alan Scott being ghey in the NY times, but then I got the joke, “He’s not just ghey, he’s ‘Flaming!’ “

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  5. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » Obama Locks Up Equine-American Vote With Sarah Jessica Parker Ad

  6. “[…] thought – anyone else think Anna Wintour also looks like she might be 1/32 […]”
    Anna Wintour looks like the 1/32 of a paint horse that survived the trip through the harvester.

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