COLORADO SPRINGS (AP) – After stopping in Colorado to tour the sites where firefighters had been working around the clock to prevent the fires from spreading, President Obama held a press conference calling a halt to the efforts by Executive Order, declaring that the fires were “just as American as you and I, and they have a right to stay here.”
“These fires came to our country with a dream,” said Obama. “A dream of a better life. A life of plenty. Of vast expanses of combustible wood far beyond the hopes of burning held by their brethren condemned to short brutal lives by oppressors who held them in campfire enclosures or at the tips of cigarettes. They longed for the right to travel freely throughout this state and this nation. Today they exercise this right, but are threatened by those who seek to eliminate them. I declare today that I will protect their right to flame freely throughout this country, burning the things Americans aren’t willing to burn, like their homes and families.”
Attorney General Eric Holder agreed that the federal agency responsible for controlling the number of fires in the United States, Ignition and Combustion Enforcement (ICE), would hereafter “prioritize” enforcement of laws against what right-wing critics call “illegal immolants”.
“First of all,” said Holder, “it’s racist to call these fires ‘illegal’. They’re ‘unextinguished Combustion-Americans’. Second, we simply don’t have the manpower to control who burns what where all the time. The DoJ is stretched pretty thin right now, trying to keep the Florida authorities from discriminating against Deceased-Americans by kicking them off the voter registration rolls.”
“Besides,” added Holder with a sly wink, “we need a few good infernos to help dispose of some ‘executive privilege’, if you know what I mean.”