OSLO (AP) – Just days after President Obama told a reporter for WLWT-TV in Ohio “that most people in Cincinnati would acknowledge that I’ve tried real hard,” the international community did just exactly that very thing. The Nobel Committee announced today that President Obama would be the recipient of the Nobel Participant Prize.
“We really wanted to give him the Peace Prize again,” said Committee Chair Thorbjørn Jagland, “but between drone strikes, Gitmo still being open, and the whole ‘chucking bin Laden into the sea’ thing, even an organization as nefariously corrupt as ours couldn’t justify it. That check from Axelrod bouncing didn’t help any, either.”
“Still,” continued Jagland, “we just couldn’t stand the thought of America’s President, weeping, snot-nosed, and tremble-lipped again like he was after the 2016 Olympics went to Rio instead of Chicago. And he DID try ever so hard. It’s not really his fault that he’s, you know, slower than the other world leaders. We thought we should at least give him something that kinda says ‘you’re not smart, but we love your big heart.'”
As a reward for his vigorous yet fruitless efforts, America’s President will receive a hand-crayoned “GOOD JOB!” certificate with an as-yet-to-be-determined number of gold stars and/or smiley faces, suitable for sticking to the White House refrigerator with little fruit-shaped magnets.
“We don’t give this award out to just anybody,” said Nobel committee member Gunnar Stålsett. “For example, intelligent people who actually further human knowledge in useful scientific fields aren’t eligible. However, we believe that young folks with good intentions but poor mental faculties are just as deserving of recognition as some brainiac science-dork. It’s like when your child draws all over the walls with magic marker. You don’t yell at the poor, dim-witted thing. You say ‘Such pretty colors! You are so talented!’. Then you pat him on the head, give him a cookie and send him out to play, just bursting with self-esteem. Plenty of time to clean up the mess later. The important thing is he’s happy and feels good about himself.”
Although now technically out of the running for the Nobel Peace Prize, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said at this morning’s press briefing that the President was still a “strong contender” for both “The Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence,” and “Employee of the Month,” adding that Mr. Obama “expects to be dining on ham and plaques any day now.”
UPDATE: Linked at Be John Galt
UPDATE: Linked by Red White Blue News