Pelosi Calls for Animal Sacrifices to Secure Obama Reelection

Posted on July 2, 2012 8:09 pm

WASHINGTON (AP) – House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi credited the Supreme Court’s upholding of Obamacare’s individual mandate to the late Democrat Senator Ted Kennedy’s angelic intervention, saying, “I knew that when he left us he would go to heaven and help pass the bill.” Pelosi then encouraged people to “use whatever wacky religious beliefs they had” to help get President Obama reelected.

Vodoo Chicken Says “Obama 2012!”

“I figure,” said Pelosi, “that if a greedy, gluttonous, lusty, slothful, adulterous murderer can sit at God’s right hand and pull invisible strings instead of doing the 9-circles-tour, maybe some other crazy schemes might help support Obama, too. I think Mexicans like chicken sacrifices, and since Obama just gave a million of ‘em a free pass, Foghorn Leghorn should lose his melon for the greater good.”

Former Obama adviser and current Democrat candidate for Senate in Massachusetts Elizabeth Warren said she supported Pelosi’s “Voodoo the Vote” initiative.

“Being 1/32 Cherokee,” said the blond-haired, blue-eyed, high-cheekboned Native American, “I have great faith in my people’s ability to propitiate angry gods and win their blessings. Last month, I was moccasining around my teepee doing a raindance, and now half the country is plagued by drought, record high temperatures, and wildfires. Turned out I was doing the dance backwards.”

“Hey, I said I AM Cherokee. Never said I could read instructions written in it,” Warren said petulantly.

Although admitting to some skepticism over the program, corrupt and censured Democrat Congressman Charlie Rangel offered his support as well.

“Yeah, the chicken thing might work,” said Rangel. “But they need to do it right. I hear the best way to kill a chicken when trying to appease mighty spirit forces is to seal it up in a cardboard box until it suffocates.”

“But we should not let the perfect become the enemy of the good,” said Rangel solemnly. “If you don’t have a chicken, then suffocate the cash equivalent of a chicken in a cardboard box. Then address the box of suffocated cash to me and drop it in a mailbox. I’ll see that it gets a decent burial.”

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10 Responses to “Pelosi Calls for Animal Sacrifices to Secure Obama Reelection”

  1. T-dog says:

    Unless you are Christian. We don’t need you crazies vying for us. Weird people with their standards and morals and faithfulness to spouses and whatnot.

  2. Les says:

    Very good. I’m thinking Teddy must’ve been guiding Chief Justice Roberts’ hand when he wrote his decision via a Ouija board.

  3. RoscoandRoy says:

    Thanks for the tip! I was just going to do my usual promise to buy each of my constituents a new vacuum cleaner if they voted for me. A simple sacrifice will surely same me some cash!

  4. Burmashave says:

    Kennedy? Heaven? I know I am not to judge, but I am to scoff.

    Harvey, thanks for the link. I really thought you were making that up. That’s high praise, given that I thought you made up stuff that just couldn’t be made up.

  5. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    speaking of fake Indians:
    http://www.pollysgranddaughter.com/2012/07/elizabeth-warren-said-aunt-bea-was.html

  6. Wiccans , Weirdos and Witchdoctors for Obama « YouViewed/editorial links:

    […] IMAO […]

  7. Son of Bob says:

    Is there some kind of hotline from Hell to Justice Roberts?

  8. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Speaking of useless dead communists: Andy Griffith dead at 86!!!! yesssssssssssss Now Ted can stop spending all his time with Mao and Stalin

  9. plentyobailouts says:

    Old jojo biden better be careful where he rests his pointed little head if pelousy is sacrificing chickens.

    I was going to sacrifice a dog, but the pos in the white house ate it!

    “Turned out I was doing the dance backwards.”

    And she only did 1/32nd of it!

  10. plentyobailouts says:

    Breaking News! hairlip reid is sacrificing a boxer on the senate floor to ensure that the railroad goes through nevada!!

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