Now This Is a Superhero We Can All Relate to

[High Praise! to Cowboy Blob]

So… in this scenario, would Obama’s crowd declare Romney to be the Killer Rabbit of Bainbannog?

Send to Kindle

Video: This Is How Your Grandmother Stops an Armed Jewelry Heist

[High Praise! to Sad Hill News]

Send the cowardly goblins scurrying for the door.

All you need is a gun, and the guts to use it:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #12,665)

_______________

In the comments, Les of Brick Moon [High Praise!] suggests this video could be improved with Yakety Sax playing in the background.

If anyone wants to put that together and send me a link, I’ll post it.

Send to Kindle

You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Have you seen Obama’s new campaign video?“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

Send to Kindle

Obama Gaffe Comes Back to Bite Him Once Again

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

Send to Kindle

New York Has Problems? Bloomberg Has Solutions!

In Brooklyn, a giant sinkhole suddenly opened up on a street, swallowing a parked car.

Mayor Bloomberg vowed to address the problem by passing a law limiting sinkholes to 16 ounces.

Send to Kindle

Link of the Day: Imagine the Justice League… With Obama as Superman

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

Super American Power Strike Force Obama Crises Team

Here’s the setup:

as a little mental exercise, I took what we know about the President and applied it to a mock crises situation. That’s how crises command centers and emergency personnel train, you see. I figured I’d pick an easy one for the President, and run through how he would take command of the situation. In this scenario, Joe Biden goes missing.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Send to Kindle

Wisdom of the Day: Putty Improvement Olympics

Send to Kindle

As With Most Problems, I Believe the Solution to This Is Bacon

As discussed earlier, I think Moon Nukers need a special catch phrase to compliment each other.

After mulling over the responses, I’m going to suggest that that phrase be “Bacon”.

It’s short, it’s simple, it’s delicious, and it represents everything that is good and right in the world.

Example usages:

_______________

“That was hilarious, [Moon Nuker’s name]! Bacon to you!”

“Your comment was pure bacon!”

“Positively bacon-worthy!”

“The baconest thing I’ve ever read!”

_______________

As for capitalization and exclamation points, those can be added at your own discretion, as can modifiers specifying quantities of bacon, such as strips, sides, or a smokehouseful.

Bacon to Jimmy, zzyzx, Apostic, Crabby Old Bat, Steve, and 4of7 for being the first Nukers to get onboard the Bacon Train.

Now, if Laurence Simon or someone of equivalent Jewishness does something bacon-worthy, I suppose we could just give them the cash equivalent of bacon. Jews still like money, right? That’s what my “Stereotypes Handbook” says. Speaking of which, you should probably do the same thing for Scotsmen.

Also, if any comment trolls pop in to complain about one thing or another, tell them to just Rub Some Bacon On It.

Send to Kindle

Smells Worse on the Inside

According to Science!, Luke Skywalker wouldn’t have survived a Hoth night by being shoved into a tauntauns belly. Science! also looked into midi-chlorians and concluded that they are a really stupid thing that never should have been mentioned.

Send to Kindle

Ironically, This Is How Everyone EXCEPT Fox News Covers Terrorism

[High Praise! to Parkway Rest Stop]

From Fox’s short-lived stab at conservative political comedy, “The 1/2 Hour News Hour“.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #3,204)

Send to Kindle

Be Like Fluke: Whine and Vote for Obama

So Sandra Fluke, made famous for being an adult woman incapable of purchasing her own contraception, is going to be campaigning with Obama. How is that going to work? I guess she’s going to appear on stage with him and say, “Tee hee. I’m just a girl. I don’t know how to use money; thanks for trampling the Bill of Rights to force other people to buy me contraception!” So what is it now, we can’t have freedom of religion because some women are incapable of taking care of themselves? And this is feminism somehow?

Still, she does seem like a fitting mascot for the Democrats: a whiny dependent.

Send to Kindle

Straight Line of the Day: Obama’s Discovered a New Green Energy Source…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Obama’s discovered a new green energy source…

Send to Kindle

Future Sleazy Obama Ads

There’s a new Obama ad out: Romney is killing people’s wives with cancer!

Well, the ad claims that Romney closed the guy’s steel mill so he didn’t have insurance for his wife’s cancer — except that Romney wasn’t part of Bain when the plant closed in 2001, and it ends up the guy did have insurance, and his wife didn’t die until 2006 so it’s hard to see how one has anything to do with the other.

Still, expect to see more sleazy ads as Obama gets more desperate. Here are some we might see:

FUTURE OBAMA AD CHARGES

* When Romney ran Bain, it made most of its money by dumping toxic waste on kittens.

* Romney was in charge of NBC’s coverage of the Olympics.

* Romney’s favorite pastime is throwing orphans down stairs.

* Romney says the thing he likes most about poor people is the sound they make when his car runs them over.

* While Romney ran Bain, millions of people died throughout the world.

* Romney’s horse Rafalca is a known neo-Nazi.

* Romney was a creative consultant for the final season of Lost.

* Romney gets a dollar every time someone gets cancer.

* Michael Myers from Halloween was based on a young Mitt Romney.

* Romney installs car elevators in his home while all your cars are stuck using the stairs.

* Romney’s application to the prestigious Choom Gang was unanimously rejected.

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts: Righteous Response

I never got the whole skinhead thing. What does white supremacy have to do with not having hair?

“You said anyone could do a better job than me, but look how wrong you are!” -Jimmy Carter speech at DNC, presumably

“So now that I have a Mac, how do I keep people from assuming I’m a douche?” -most common question for Apple Geniuses

My sister has a cover on her Mac that makes it look like a PC. “You’re kind of pretentious for a PC user… wait a second!”

Tip for Romney: Act like you’re above all the muckraking by responding to charges by talking like Thor for the Avengers.

When Americans win the gold in the Olympics, during the medal ceremony they should play the theme to Team America.

What I mainly want from politics is I don’t want useless jackasses trying to control me, and it’s always asking way too much.

Better response for Romney to Obama’s charges: “My righteous fist seeks his face!”

I heard from a reliable source that Romney cut off a gay kid’s hair, gave him cancer, and then tied him to the roof of his car. Even worse, I heard Obama was president during these last four awful years.

“I had to overcome many hurdles to get to this point.” -Olympic hurdler

“Oh, wow! Dat diver done dove!” -me as an Olympics dive competition commentator

“Hmm, a road. I guess I should build a business here.” -how businesses are made, by Obama’s understanding

I hope Romney nominates a rogue VP who doesn’t play by the rules. But not Cheney again.

Mitt Romney is going to use his rich powers to give you cancer and dance a horse on your grave.

Obama is just a blue collar guy who worked his way up in the memoir factory earning a nickel per memoir he wrote about himself. He made eighty million dollars doing that.

Mitt Romney left a woman to drown in a car or am I getting him confused with someone else?

Out of nowhere, Buttercup said, “I’m sorry, Daddy,” and hugged me. Did she finally figure out I’m a failure?

I thought she’d have to be at least two before should could comprehend that one.

Why would I download the Romney app to find his VP pick? Somehow I think I’ll still hear it quicker on Twitter.

Send to Kindle