Would Liberals Consider This an “Assault Rifle”?

[High Praise! to iOwnTheWorld]

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,009,786)

Cute, but I think I’ll stick with my double-barrel .45 semi-auto AF2011-A1 pistol

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Have you heard about Michelle Obama’s White House garden…“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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What Happens When Government Tries to Spread the Wealth: Answered in One Picture

[High Praise! to After Math]

[direct link to original]

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New York City Plans to Monitor Your Every Move – LIVE!

[High Praise! to Moonbattery]

The Domain Awareness System designed by the NYPD and Microsoft Corp. uses data from a network of cameras, radiation detectors, license plate readers and crime reports, officials said.

“We’re not your mom and pop police department anymore,” Mayor Bloomberg crowed. “We are in the next century. We are leading the pack.”

Well, technically the 20th century is “next” to the 21st, so I think I know whose police department he’s emulating.

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Andrew Breitbart Explains How to Take Power Back From the Establishment Media

[High Praise! to American Power]

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #3,737)

Just a reminder of why we fight. A message made more timely as the establishment media gears up its spinning mud-launcher to defame and discredit Paul Ryan.

Rest assured that IMAO will mock them into a pants-wetting fetal-position every time they do.

No quarter.

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Link of the Day: Signs of the Apocalypse – The Onion Mocks Obama’s Cancer Ad

[High Praise! to Ace of Spades HQ, via The Onion]

‘Romney Murdered JonBenét Ramsey,’ New Obama Campaign Ad Alleges


CHICAGO-With campaign rhetoric becoming increasingly heated and both presidential nominees releasing more attack ads, a new 30-second spot from the Obama campaign this week accuses his opponent Mitt Romney of committing the 1996 murder of 6-year-old beauty pageant queen JonBenét Ramsey.

Titled “He Did It,” the advertisement asks if anyone can truly remember where Romney was the night of the child’s murder, and whether the U.S. populace wants a president capable of strangling a little girl and dumping her body in her parents’ basement.

President Obama appears at the end of the advertisement to approve the message.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Wisdom of the Day: Weights Cancer Grandmothers Sneaker Job

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10 Likely VP Replacements for Joe Biden

Obama’s got a problem.

Mitt Romney went and picked himself a running mate who’s young, buff, and has dreamy blue eyes, as well as his own “Hey Girl” internet meme.

Yeah, he’s got a total lock on the female demographic now (except for crazy-cat-ladies-in-training like Andrea Mitchell). Basically Romney’s VP is the guy chicks think about while reading “50 Shades of Grey”.

Obama’s got… Joe Biden.

Goofy, gaffe-machine Joe Biden, with all the sex appeal of Uncle Fester. Although maybe not even that much, because at least SOME women like bald guys.

But there’s still time for Obama to strike back. Biden can be replaced, and Obama might be desperate enough to try it.

Here’s my best guesses as to Barack’s short-list to get the female vote back:

The only thing women find more appealing than Paul Ryan.

1) Ellen DeGeneres – Hey, at least she knows how to look good in a suit & tie.

2) Hillary Clinton – She’s like the ugly, cankly best friend women keep around to make themselves look better by comparison when they go to bars.

3) Al Franken – Chicks love a guy with a sense of humor, and he really knows how to stuff the ol’ ballot box.

4) Harry Reid – He’ll never tell you your ass looks fat in those jeans, because an anonymous caller will tell him you don’t.

5) Anthony Weiner – He knows what a girl wants to see on Twitter

6) Alan Grayson – The crazy, dangerous guy you date to get back at your dad for not hugging you enough as a child.

7) John Kerry – Yeah, he looks like Frankenstein, but he’s got two wives’ worth of money and he won’t live forever.

8) Michael Bloomberg – A good nanny is hard to find, and Bloomberg’s about one chimney-sweep away from flying with an umbrella.

9) John Edwards – He’s got more philandering, bad-boy charm than a Kennedy, plus he knows all the best moisturizers. Silky!

10) Any pale, sparkling guy with enough lipstick. David Bowie, maybe?

Whoever Obama picks, that still leaves the problem of how to get rid of Biden. I suggest taking him out into the woods, fake-throwing a tennis ball, and driving off.

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There’s been a lot of talk about how bold Romney’s pick of Paul Ryan is, and anytime anyone talks of things being “bold,” it makes me think of this Mystery Science Theater 3000 clip:

And while I’m posting video clips, did you know that Joe Biden did once work in the private sector. Here is him in an early office job:

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Everything You Need to Know About Paul Ryan in 6 Minutes

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #438,877)

My favorite part of this? Right at the end, when Ryan stops talking and Obama starts addressing his points by stammering “i-eh-i-eh-i-eh”.

Also interesting – whenever they cut away from Ryan to Obama, Obama is covering his mouth.

Isn’t that a sign that someone’s lying? And, in this case, being called out as a liar.

What I especially enjoyed was that fact that Ryan was SO devastatingly polite while he was doing it. That Wisconsin boy has “Minnesota nice” down pat.

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90 Days, 90 Reasons

Someone has started this website 90 Days, 90 Reasons to publish an essay from a different person each day up until Election Day giving reasons to reelect Obama. So far, there’s been an essay from a terrorist seeking the complete destruction of America. Also, there’s one from an ultra-libertarian who thinks the quicker we get to completely bankrupting the government, the sooner it will collapse and we can make some sort of Ayn Rand type society in its place. And then there’s been a couple written by — you know — morons. Hey, there’s one by Roger Ebert!

Anyone, I sent them an essay that will go up later this week as Obama has been a great opportunity for me as a right-wing humorist. I got a best-selling book making fun of him, and if he’s reelected, I could probably do a second edition and sell a ton more copies.

I don’t know what the rest of the 90 reasons will be, though. Probably more morons.

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Straight Line of the Day: Obama Has a New Iran Strategy…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Obama has a new Iran strategy…

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Romney/Ryan 2012 Slogans

Now that we know the full ticket (and it’s exciting!) it’s time to start coming up with some slogans for Romney/Ryan 2012.


“You may be able to stop us, but you can’t stop math.”

“The adults are here; free candy time is over.”

“Now witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL budget plan!”

“I’m going to cut you!”

“The most dynamic and courageous leader you’ve ever seen. Plus Romney.”

“We will raze everything the left holds dear while those hippies can do nothing but watch it all burn.”

“The journey $16 trillion back from debt starts with a single budget.”

“We come, and reality rides with us. It’s wrath will be terrible.”

“Time to ditch those dummies for people who actually know how to use a calculator.”

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Random Thoughts: BOLD!

Oh, we lead in both number of medals and number of gold medals. I always suspected we were the greatest country ever.

Obama can’t do anything to stop that sleazy ad; as he’s demonstrated for four years, he’s completely impotent.

Romney should see if the can get Jon Lovitz to be in an ad as one of Obama’s campaign managers, Tommy Flanagan. “That ad never implied Romney killed that woman – just ask my wife, Morgan Fairchild.”

The original Bill & Ted was one of the greatest movies ever made. The sequel was pretty good too. My favorite part was how Billy the Kid and Socrates made natural best buddies.

That new Red Dawn movie better be some dumb fun.

I think my new book coming out next month has three different Red Dawn references. That’s mainly how I remember the 80s.

Romney plans to layoff Obama and then give his wife cancer.

Puppies will die if Mitt Romney is elected (a depressed Obama will need comfort food).

Anytime Fareed Zakaria smiles, I’m afraid he’s about to swallow someone whole.

I’d love to meet the guy I’m plagiarizing.

I plagiarize one sentence per column and send a Snickers bar to the first person to spot it.

I’d be for total government surveillance if every night the government sent us a montage of our day set to an 80s song.

If CNN hires me as a commentator, I promise to never say anything remotely similar to things anyone else would ever say.

People not creative enough to make up “anonymous source” quotes resort to plagiarism.

We act like the VP pick is so important, but aren’t like half of people surveyed unable to name the current VP or think it’s still Cheney?

People make fun of you if you never read any newspapers or magazines, but it’s the best way to avoid plagiarism.

So Obama has 43% approval rating, yet everyone thinks Obama is going to be reelected? The presidency isn’t a union job.

Actually, if I were president, I’d might start a president’s union with other nation’s presidents. You treat us right or it’s a strike!

I only have about six different jokes I do variations of. There’s a difference between being a hack and plagiarizing, right?

I know the North Korean thing is stupid, but the Red Dawn trailer makes the new movie look kind of fun.

Chuck Norris eats Chick-fil-A every Sunday.

Can I call myself a “best-selling author” or are people going to ask, “Compared to what?”

Thomas Friedman columns would be a lot better if he plagiarized other people than Thomas Friedman.

Canadian whiskey? What is that? Fermented maple syrup?

Oh, it’s fermented moose urine.

With Ryan as Romney’s running mate, it will be a Mormon and a Catholic versus a man of indeterminate faith and no one cares what Biden is.

Romney keeps delaying on his tax returns so when they’re out people will read them so eagerly they won’t realize they spell Mxyzptlk backwards.

In the Biden/Ryan VP debate, it will be victory for Biden if he just doesn’t choke on his own tie.

If Ryan pushes any old person off a cliff, it will be Biden during the debate. Don’t debate near a cliff, Biden!

JOE SOPTIC: “Paul Ryan was elected to the House of Representatives. Afterwards, my wife got cancer and died.”

Obama: “Look at Paul Ryan and his silly budget plan. How ridiculous; governments don’t have budgets!”

Remember when the VP pick was the more boring part of the ticket?

While waiting for your turn to speak, don’t try and see if you can fit your fist in your mouth. #BidenDebatePrep

Paul Ryan has a dangerous, extremist budget plan. Democrats made sure their plan isn’t dangerous or extremist by not having one.

Obama has denounced Ryan with phrases such as “tax cuts for the wealthy” “burdens to middle class and seniors” “radical” “talking point 4”.

I think I might vote Republican this year.

Email I got from Democrats right after the Ryan pick: “Extremist! (more details to follow)”

Won’t someone think of the bureaucrats!

“Wanna hear my imitation of a Mexican?” #BidenDebateLines

How has Paul Ryan treated dogs?

“Obama says in a second term he’ll get me a farm with rabbits.” #BidenDebateLines

“…and that’s why the second time I got my head stuck in the banister was one of the greatest challenges I’ve overcome.” #BidenDebateLines

“Obama gave me the red phone that calls Batman, but I’m only supposed to use it in an emergency.” #BidenDebateLines

“No Vice President in the history of the United States has come as close as I have to catching a leprechaun.” #BidenDebateLines

“What do you mean the debate is over? You haven’t asked my favorite color yet! I was prepared for that one!” #BidenDebateLines

“I like trains. What I’ve learned from riding trains is 1) They go choo choo. 2) …I like trains.” #BidenDebateLines

The Paul Ryan pick is good synergy with my new book which will be about taking bold action for the future of America. My plans have more dinosaurs in them, though.

The Ryan pick assumes the electorate are going to be a bunch of adults and not kids wanting free candy.

NBC can just keep delaying and delaying showing us the Olympics closing ceremony so that Olympics never end.

Picking Ryan is risky, but if Romney/Ryan win, it will be seen as a mandate to destroy absolutely everything the left holds dear.

So how many more rovers do we have to send to Mars before we can start our ultra-libertarian space society?

Well my 33 years streak of never getting stung just ended. Stupid hidden wasps’ nest.

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Things No One Has Ever Said About Solar or Wind Power

[High Praise! to The Astute Bloggers]

About the Mars rover’s power plant:

The nuclear generator delivers both heat and 110 watts of steady electric power from an array of iridium capsules holding a ceramic form of plutonium dioxide. The heat is piped through the Curiosity carried by liquid Freon. Thermoelectric devices on the generator convert the heat into electricity with no moving parts. Idaho National Laboratory, which designed and tested the energy system, says it can operate for years.

If someone can make it bigger and put it under the hood of an SUV, I will finally agree to drive an electric car.

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