If you know anyone who was smart enough not to pay any taxes for the last ten years, then…
… Let’s elect him president.
We need someone with that kind of smarts!
And now, a moment with Joe Biden:
JOE BIDEN: …so, my wife and I have some good friends over, and we’re having a few drinks and playing cards and just as I yell “Go fish!” my good friend Burt says, “Joe, how can I pay more taxes?” I said, “What are you talking about, Burt?” And Burt, he’s such a good friend God bless him, he says, “Joe, buddy, I’m a rich man, I make a lot of money, and I spend a lot of money on attorneys to make sure I claim all my deductions, but in the end I don’t pay enough taxes. How can I pay more taxes?” So I told him, “Don’t you worry, pal. Barack and I will get that done.” We need more guys, more real Americans, like my good friend Burt. We need people to realize that, hey man, if we’re gonna help out people in small towns across the country those same people in those small towns have to all work together to pay more taxes so that we can get them the financial help they need.
This has been a moment with Joe Biden.
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
This Onion piece is like something Paul Ryan would say if he were a Bond villain who had Debbie Wasserman Shultz strapped to a table and was just about to cut her in half with a laser.
And I’m a bad man, because that mental image makes me giggle.
Anyway, it’s got a few swears – even in the title – but the piece is so viscerally satisfying that I just had to share it anyway.
It’s okay to admit it. You’re frightened to death of me. It might actually be healthy for you to face your fears now rather than later, when Mitt and I are leading by a few points in the polls and it looks like this thing might end badly for you. Face it: I’m not some catastrophe waiting to happen, like a Sarah Palin or a Dan Quayle. On the contrary, you have the exact opposite fear. I’m a solid, competent, some might say exceptional, politician.
Did you get nervous when you read that last sentence? Is it because you know in your heart of hearts that it’s 100 percent true? Is it because, even if you strongly disagree with my beliefs on Medicare, Social Security, women’s rights, and marriage equality, you know my talent as a speaker and my well-thought-out approach to these issues-no matter how radical and convoluted you find them-might just be enough to win over independent voters?
Do you get chills just thinking about how strong my appeal actually is?
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Just thought I’d go ahead and tell you that friend of IMAO, Mike Z. Williamson, has a new book out, When Diplomacy Fails…. I haven’t got a chance to read it yet, but I really liked the last two about the Ripple Creek Security team — mercenaries… in space! Well, on other planets.
I’m also still reading those Game of Thrones books. When’s that bearded guy supposed to finish that series?
JB: Hey sport, you send for me?
BO: Uh, yeah Joe, uh, we have a, uh, situation and, uh, we’re gonna need you to, uh, do something drastic.
JB: Hey buddy, don’t worry. Ol’ Sheriff Joe is on the case!
BO: Uh, yeah. Uh well…uh Joe, put down the letter opener, remember what happened last time.
JB: Oh God, yeah. What was I thinking?
BO: Anyway, uh, the ‘Secret Undisclosed Location’ has been compromised…
JB: HEY! I said I was sorry but how were they gonna deliver the pizza if I didn’t give them the address?
BO: …uh…yeah. Well, anyway I have a new plan.
JB: Did Valerie say it was OK?
BO: HEY! I’m the President and I make the big decisions by myself!
BO: Yes, OK? As I was saying, uh, there’s a new plan. What I…
BO: …WE are going to do is to announce that, uh, you’re being replaced as VP.
JB: For one lousy pizza?!?
BO: Cool your jets Joe. We’re just going to tell the people that but you’ll still be the Veep, just, uh, kinda, uh, super secret like.
JB: Oh! Like Secret Squirrel?
BO: …uh, surrrrre. Well, after the election you just move back to Dakota…
BO: …wherever you want…and just pretend like you’re, uh, no longer the Veep.
JB: So, what should I do?
BO: Well, pretty much what you do now.
JB: Bitchin’! Do I still get the motorcade?
JB: How about my clothing allowance? It’s expensive to get those juice stains out.
JB: My secretary?
BO: I keep telling you Joe, that’s a portrait of Dolly Madison.
JB: Then how come she’s not holding any cupcakes?
BO: …Off topic Joe. Now, uh, can you do this for me?
JB: Sure Buckaroo. I’ll go undercover. I’ll be deeper than a fruitfly in a mango grove!
BO: A…what? In a what? Nevermind. Well this will…put down the paperweight…this will be effective immediately Joe.
JB: Can it wait until after lunch? They got pudding today!
BO: Uh, sure.
Arachnophobia is the fear of spiders.Claustrophobia is the fear of tight spaces.Liberalism is the fear of Paul Ryan.
— Angela Morabito (@_AngelaMorabito) August 14, 2012
Just noticed Lean Cuisines also have conventional oven directions. 35 minutes. The bar for Saddest Person Possible has been raised.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) August 14, 2012
Note: Christians aren’t allowed to merely subcontract their compassion to a faceless federal bureaucrat.
— Jon G. (@ExJon) August 14, 2012
At a recent campaign event, Joe Biden said about Republicans, “They’re going to put y’all back in chains.” But that wasn’t the only dumb thing Biden said at that rally. Here are some other statements from him at the same event:
“Anyone seen my hands? Oh wait; they’re in my pockets. False alarm.”
“The Republicans are worse than Adolph Lundgren Hitler.”
“Frankly I think we have plenty of jobs. I mean, look at me, I have one. I think I’m doing okay at it, but I don’t really understand it.”
“They said I’m dumb. Me dumb? Who say such thing?”
“Did you know Romney once strapped a dog to the roof of his car? I’d never do that. I once let my dog drive the car. At least that’s what I told the police when I crashed into a goalpost at the football stadium.”
“Look at me! I can speak Chinese! Chee chong choo choo!”
“My pants fell down again. What did I do with my belt?”
“Don’t look at the sun; that makes it angry. That’s how we get global warming.”
“Harry Reid is a great guy. I don’t let him touch me, though, because he’s creepy. I heard on the internet something about him and kids…”
“The Republicans want to keep Sandra Fluke from getting contraception. That’s horrible. I mean, I met her, and she’s a real weirdo. We don’t want her reproducing.”
“You ever seen that Chris Matthews on TV? That guy is like a genius.”
“I am literally — literally — vomiting in terror over the though of Paul Ryan becoming Vice President. Where am I going to live if that happens? Delaware says I’m not allowed to come back.”
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
In the Oval Office, they just installed…
There seems to be a lot of ignorance about Christians out there like they’re some weird, exotic new thing. Like take this super ignorant article at Time where someone who didn’t take the Bible very seriously telling Christians they’re following Jesus wrong by giving some wacky interpretations of some quotes from the Bible she half read. Wouldn’t even a half-way decent editor tell her, “Hey, you know Christians have been studying this Bible thing for thousands of years, so maybe you should run your brand new ideas about it by one of them since pretty much everything notion about that book has been asked and answered. We should be able to find at least one Christian to ask; there has to be at least a couple dozen of them in this country.” But know, instead we get another, “Jesus loves socialism because Bible quote!” that just makes everyone dumber.
Anywho, the point is that over at PJ Media I wrote a Christian FAQ to explain these brand new things called “Christians” that everyone like Time magazine and others seem to confounded by. Enjoy.
Does Obama share all the beliefs of his friend, domestic terrorist Bill Ayers? Probably.
FACT CHECK: Obama says Romney will be a worse POTUS than him but scientists say it’s statistically unlikely for that to be true about anyone.
Maybe Biden meant “Republicans are going to put y’all back in Cheneys.”
Stop ignorantly using Jesus to justify confiscation by a soulless government. It’s very offensive to my religion.
Really how hard is this. “I have wacky ideas about what the Bible means. Maybe I’ll run it by a Christian first to see if it’s not idiotic.”
I don’t know how many Christians there are in the U.S. — dozens at least — so it shouldn’t be too hard to find one.
I don’t get why people who don’t take the Bible very seriously think they can scan it and come up with anything Christians aren’t aware of.
BIDEN: “But don’t worry about those Republicans putting us in chains, because I swallowed a key. My tummy hurts.”
BREAKING: Major road shutdown as Biden searched for his lost mittens. Eventually he found them pinned to his jacket.
BIDEN: “And I know what it’s like to be in chains thanks to a mishap with a bike lock.”
Small government is racist because southern strategy.
Obama has to be furious for all these distractions that keep him from talking about his accomplishments over the past four years.
I hope somewhere Mozart knows I just gave one his songs a thumbs up on Pandora. Good job, Mozart.