Amazingly, Obama Didn’t Tell Them They Didn’t Build That

In DC, a group of activists sold lemonade to protest instances of kids across the nation having their lemonade stands shut down.

I’m just surprised Nancy Pelosi didn’t stop by & smash the place up with her oversized novelty gavel.

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Networks Unveil New Logos Prior to Election

[High Praise! to The Last Refuge]

What a wonderful world it would be if only they were that honest.

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UPDATE: Linked by Doug Ross

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Hate crime: the most important meal of the day

My bacon has a first name

Yummy, tasty hate

You saw that thing the police are investigating as a hate crime, right?

No, not the shooting last week at the Family Research Council. That was a white gay rights activist that shot a black security guard at a conservative organization. Nothing says “hate crime” there because the shooter was left-wing, and therefore, incapable of hate. The bullets he fired were bullets of love and peace and rainbows.

I’m talking about … bacon! On the ground! In a city park!

“This has been determined to be a bias event on the part of our Hate Crimes Task Force,” NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly told reporters, including WCBS 880′s Rich Lamb.

Unless, of course, it’s a left-wing gay activist that dropped his bacon.

Still, I am upset that someone would put bacon on the ground. Bacon goes in my belly. After it goes through the frying pan. Or the George Foreman Grill.

Mmm. Bacon.

I’m gonna commit a hate crime all over my breakfast plate in the morning. With eggs. Scrambled. With cheese.

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Batman has the bat signal. What signal would Obama use?“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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I’m Kinda Hoping This Is The Future of American Government

[High Praise! to Shakey Pete’s Shootin’ Shack]

The Executive Branch of the Government of the United States of America has been reduced to a bunch of grubby bagmen and ward heelers. The only real question is if they will avoid tar and feathers.

Also at the link: forget the towel – you need a bandanna.

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Link of the Day: What’s Wrong With This Picture?

[High Praise! to Yourish.com]

The subtle media bias of a simple image

Looks innocent enough.

Meryl Yourish explains why it’s not, and she’s exactly right.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Wisdom of the Day: Golf Homeschool Life Coach Fact Median

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lolbama! Delayed Is Not lolbama! Denied

Got me a new day job and right now I don’t have two hours to rub together to assemble the lolbama! post this week.

My current plan is to shift this feature to Sunday mornings at 8am so I have time to give it the attention it needs.

Meanwhile, I promise to keep your free ice cream in the freezer so it doesn’t melt.

And yes, it will still have little bacon sprinkles on top.

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War on Mars

So right now, we have a robot on Mars zapping rocks with lasers. I can just imagine the conversation that led to putting a laser on the Mars rover. The scientists were like, “I know what our Mars robot needs: a laser. For shooting things. And lightning bolts painted on the side to make it move faster.” And they brought that up to their bosses who were like, “Well, we’ll approve the laser. That does sound like a science thing.” So they got the rover to Mars and were like, “Well, we have this laser. What should we shoot with it?” And everyone was like, “Are there any aliens? We could totally pwn them with our laser!” And the controller was like, “No. Just rocks.” So they were all like, “Then shoot the rocks! Shoot them with extreme prejudice! Tell the robot that all rocks must die!” So now the Mars rover is going crazy just zapping rock right and left on Mars. In the war on Mars, we are totally winning.

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The Perfect Gun for Home Defense

[High Praise! to Traction Control]

Assuming your home is in an Apocalypse Zone.

Like Detroit, or something.

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Obama Lost His Memory!

Obama says his campaign hasn’t called Romney a felon. Oh no! He lost his memory! Maybe he hugged Harry Reid too closely and caught senility from him. I guess we need to gently remind him. Just tell him, “Oh no, you did do that. You also accused Romney of killing someone’s wife with cancer, which is super crazy. Because you’re a scumbag. Do you remember now? You’re a total, corrupt scumbag. And completely useless. Do you remember any of the last four years? They were horrible because you suck.”

And Obama may be like, “I don’t remember being horrible and sucking.”

And we’ll have to say, “Then you still don’t have your memory back. We’ll do what we can to help you remember what an absolutely awful president and human being you’ve been.”

And we’ll have to patient with him, because memory loss is hard. But if we work at it, maybe one day he’ll say, “I remember! I remember it all! My memory is back!” And then he’ll immediately resign and exile himself from the country now that he knows how stupid and awful he is. We can help him remember; we just have to work hard at it. Maybe not reelecting him will help.

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Straight Line of the Day: Newsweek’s Gone Nuts. Their Latest Cover…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Newsweek’s gone nuts. Their latest cover…

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Reminder: Rape Is a Purely Partisan Issue for Democrats

So Todd Akin said something pretty stupid, and I agree that he should just drop out as he’s pretty much an embarrassment to us, but before the Democrats act all righteous, I have a reminder for them: Bill Clinton.

Yes, at the Democrats National Convention, they’re going to have a speaker who can probably talk about rape and pregnancy from a much more directly informed opinion. So Democrats are acting all offended by some dumb talk about rape, but remember how they acted when there was an actual charge of rape against a politician? No one actually disputed Juanita Broaddrick or found any indication she was lying, so they just ignored the whole thing and hoped it would go away. And it basically did. So that’s what Democrats do with actual rape: Ignore it. Because rape — just like murder (Ted Kennedy) — is a purely partisan issue to them when it threatens their politics. The only thing that causes legitimate outrage in the left is losing elections. And thus we should be aiming to always cause them outrage.

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Random Thoughts: Democrats and Rape

If Romney wins the election, the next day he should release all his taxes.

Speeding fines are doubled in construction zones, and running over a construction worker is worth half the normal points in a death race.

Was having to open a car door by physically sticking a car key in it really such a huge hassle that it had to be eliminated?

They’re making a sequel to “Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome” tentatively titled “Mad Max: Even More Beyonder the Thunderdome.”

A politicians said something horrible and the leaders of his own party condemned it? Oh, he was a Republican.

Getting excited for a second Obama term is like a woman getting excited her abusive boyfriend is drinking.

Oh, great. Next time I go to Augusta, there are going to be tampons everywhere.

So at what point does Obama tell Apple they have enough money?

Apple is worth $623 billion? How many roads and bridges did Obama have to build for that?

So where did Akin get this idea that rape doesn’t cause pregnancy? Bill Clinton?

Did I dream it, or did a woman once charge a Democrat president with rape and Democrats didn’t really care?

I just hope Democrats are getting too righteous about Akin, because they’ve demonstrated that rape is a purely partisan issue with them.

I see some Democrats are going with “Paul Ryan is just like Akin” which makes them as oblivious to what Akin did wrong as Akin.

Bill Clinton will be speaking at the DNC. Maybe he can give more informed opinions on rape and pregnancy.

Whats’s “21st century women’s health” to Obama? Killing babies with lasers?

Right now there’s a robot on mars shooting rocks with lasers and we’re still all down here talking about stupid crap.

So basically the only one arguing that Akin should stay in the race is his opponent.

When is Swanson going to get with the 21st century and change the name of their frozen dinners to “Hungry-Person”?

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The Perfect Anniversary Gift

[High Praise! to Kickin’ and Screamin’]

Nothing says “I love you” like a heart-shaped collection of firearms.

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