In a Fight Between President Obama and Paul Ryan…

[High Praise! to After Math]

[Original image here]

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Stux With Obama net Virus

So the latest polls are showing that Romney and Obama are “neck and neck”. Ignoring how ridiculous it sounds for those two guys to be necking, it seems quite ridiculous to me that this could even be the case.

I mean, Obama is like the worst president ever, in the history of everything. Even Jimmy Carter wasn’t as bad as Obama, if only because Carter couldn’t get away with as much crap as Obama can in the new progressive era. And by new progressive era, I mean an era where people are willing to ignore how bad things are if they get some free stuff.

It took generations to get people to this point where they are so willfully ignorant of what happens when a government trades your very freedom for some free stuff. And that free stuff isn’t even that good. I mean…food stamps? You won’t be eating high off the hog with those. And welfare and unemployment aren’t really great paychecks.

And does anyone really want to put their health in the hands of Medcaid? Where you get government-prescribed treatment and no second opinons? Do so many people actually choose this way to live? I’m not so sure.

I’m a big time fan of America. I’m such a fan, I even served in two branches of the military. Ok, yeah, they let me play with really cool weapons, so that was probably the number one reason. But still, I am a big fan of America. And as a fan, I refuse to believe that something close to 50 percent of my fellow Americans are either idiots or nincompoops. Because that is what these polls suggest. Is there any questions that Obama has been a horrible president? I’d love to hear an actual argument to the contrary.

You won’t hear such an argument out of the left…they are too busy telling us that Romney commits murder-cancer and Ryan likes to throw old people off of cliffs to actually defend their own president’s record.

So what’s the deal? I have a theory! And it has nothing to do with shady pollsters, because there are some pretty good pollsters giving the same results. My theory is that there is a new computer virus on the loose. Created by the left. What this virus does is infect computers that it targets, specifically those of pollsters, and confuses their mathematics capabilities.

Who better to create such a virus than people who can’t even do simple addition and subtraction. Like, if you take money from business owners, they will have more money to hire more people. Only the left could get that result. Or, if we spend more, we will reduce the deficit. Again, only leftist mathematics can prove that theory.

I think I am on to something here. This is the only way polls can be telling us that there are as many people willing to reelect the worst president in history over an inanimate carbon rod, much less a former governor and businessman in an economic recession. I think it goes something like this:

Pollster: “Hello, I would like to ask you if you are planning to vote for Obama or Romney?”

Sample Person 1: “Obama? Obama!?! Are you kidding me? That guy is a complete stuttering catastrophe of a miserable failure. I am voting Romney!”

Polling computer: IF mention obama THEN add=1 vote for obama.

Sample Person #2: “I wish Obama would self-exile himself. I am voting Romney.”

Polling computer: add=2 vote for obama.

Sample Person #3: “I like unicorns.”

Polling Computer: IF mention unicorns THEN add=256 vote for obama.

I don’t know for sure if this is true, but this might be a sample of leftist logic in virus form. I call it the stuxwithobamanet virus.

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Turns Out Banning Plastic Grocery Bags Is Even Dumber Than You Thought

[High Praise! to American Digest]

At least plastic bags are reusable.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,975)

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UPDATE: Linked by The Astute Bloggers.

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Post Office Releases Postage Stamps for Obama Campaign

[High Praise! to Sondrakistan]

To relieve your anxiety, this is NOT how the stamps are actually printed. When displaying stamps on the web site, the Post Office crosses out the price in order to discourage bootleg printing.

Still, the effect seems… apropos… in these troubled times, does it not?

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Cartoon of the day

Saw this somewhere. On the Facebook, I think.

Cartoon
[Direct link: Facebook/The Comical Conservative]

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The Oddly Missing Obama Campaign Theme

[High Praise! to BeldarBlog]

You know what proposition, what obvious campaign talking point, I haven’t heard anyone — from any stripe or shade of the political spectrum — assert with respect to Joe Biden in many, many months? It’s this one:

“Well, you know, no matter what else may be said, at least Joe Biden would probably make a pretty good President if called upon.”

It hasn’t even occurred to anyone to make that argument.

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “President Obama opened up a restaurant… “.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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Link of the Day: Terrorist Job Application

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

For Explosive Opportunities, Apply Within

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Wisdom of the Day: Basketball Position Cancer

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Promoted Comment: A Moment With Joe Biden

[High Praise! to Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden.

BIDEN: …but, as I look out over this crowd I see a bunch of good-looking Jews. All those people that say that Jews aren’t good-looking people haven’t seen you folks here at Temple Brit Milah. That’s for sure. Ya know, I remember when I was a kid and every now and then we’d see a Jew in town… we didn’t have a lot of Jews in Scranton back then. They didn’t show up ’til later. And so, from time to time we’d see a Jew and, ya know, kids would throw rocks and call names and things, like kids do. But one day I went to my good friend Fred… Fred was the smartest kid I knew; he was the guy that taught me how to use a public drinking fountain when I was 14. You remember those things? They never worked. So, anyway, Fred was such a great guy and he knew everything, and I went to him and I said, “Fred? Why do they wear those funny little beanies? They’ve gotta know how easy it makes it for us to spot ’em coming.” And Fred said, “Joe, buddy, those are their Yamahas.” And, from that moment I understood the Jewish people. All you people have ever wanted is motorcycles, but you can’t afford them so you have to wear a funny-looking beanie instead. Well, if you re-elect Barack and I, I’ll tell ya’ what… you’ll have those motorcycles and you’ll never have to wear those beanies again. I promise ya’ that. But, you elect those other guys and they’ll put you on trains and drag you to camps and you won’t ever be seen again. What? What’s the matter? Well, gosh darn it, well they’re telling me to wrap it up…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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Best Writer

John Hawkins of Right Wing News has a list of the seven best pure writers on conservative blogs. I’ve been blogging for over ten years now, and it’s nice to finally get some recognition.

So what list of best things would you put me on? List of most awesome people ever?

BTW, it’s less than two weeks until I solve all of America’s problems forever. I really can’t wait until people get to read that. Are you excited? You’re excited.

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Shockingly, Jay Carney Makes an Excellent Point

At a White House press briefing, Jay Carney said, “Maybe I am naive to think a one-line joke about a dog would be the focus of reporters”

Yeah, guys, back off. It’s not like Obama gave out a whole recipe.

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Four dumb in Ohio

OIHOYou may have read about — and Frank J. mentioned it — that Obama and some supporters misspelled “Ohio” when they did one of those silly-ass spell-it-out-with-your-arms things like the old people do at the baseball game between innings when the PA guy plays The Village People’s “YMCA.”

Now, is it fair to blame Obama for hanging around people that aren’t any smarter than he is? Because the guy who was doing the “I” that should have been an “H” got his letter wrong, too, so he’s as clueless as Obama.

And that makes sense. Think about the people you hang around. Are most of them about as smart as you are? Maybe not quite as smart as you, but close, right?

Same thing with Obama. Why do you think he picked Joe Biden as his running mate?

So don’t be too hard on the president. He’s trying really hard, but, as the last four years have shown, he’s a dumbass. I mean, bless his heart.

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Why Is Obama Having Trouble Fundraising?

Jay Costs asks: “Why is Obama’s fundraising so weak?”

And he’s got a whole article on it, but I’m only partially literate — plus reading makes me tired. But here are my guess on the answer:

* He’s been president the past four years.

* The conditions we have now are not something people want to voluntarily pay money to get more of. Quite the opposite in fact.

* Most of the people dumb enough to still support Obama are now jobless and have no money to donate.

* The main people who would think Obama is doing a competent job — terrorists who wish to destroy America — have also been having trouble raising funds lately.

* No, really, he’s been president the past four years.

Come on; what sick twisted individual looks at what Obama’s been doing and just hands over their money for more of it? The Joker is the first one that springs to mind. I hope we can make Obama disclose donors, because they need to be on an FBI watch list. And maybe have their assets frozen before that money hurts someone.

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Straight Line of the Day: The Band no Longer Plays “Hail to the Chief” when Obama Walks in…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The band no longer plays “Hail to the Chief” when Obama walks in…

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