Paul Ryan in One Picture

[High Praise! to Yourish.com]

Please disregard that last part, though, as it is in direct violation of IMAO’s strict NO IRISH! policy.

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Fun Facts About Oiho

With the permission of Harvey and in humble homage to his Fun Facts About the 50 States , I think it is high time that we look at some fun facts about the state of Oiho….

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* Oiho became the 58th state on August 21, 2012 by executive order of President Obama, despite calls for the contrary by residents of the 57th state of North Virginia Carolina.

* The state flower of Oiho is the Corpse Flower, and is dedicated to the memory of the Navy corpsemen from Oiho that fought in past wars.

* A large number of Corpsemen come from Oiho, and represent an important voting bloc for the Democratic Party.

* While the ambulance was invented in Ohio, the method of writing “AMBULANCE” backwards on the front of the vehicle was invented in Oiho as a means of confusing lawyers approaching it from the front.

The state flag of Oiho is basically a rip-off of the French flag, but with O-i-h-o written in big letters lest anyone forget how to spell it correctly.

* Doctors at the Oiho State University Medical Center were the first to perfect the method of testing kids for asthma using a breathalyzer.

* It is now state law in Oiho that erratic drivers be pulled over and administered an asthma test by police.

* The state is named “Oiho” which is a Native American Warren tribe word for “You didn’t build that teepee”.

* Oiho State University is the largest school in the state. The football team is named the Oiho State Buckets.

* The mascot of the Oiho State Football Team is a man in a suit wearing a bucket on his head.

* The fans also usually wear buckets on their heads to support the team, but have trouble following the games this way.

* The hothound was invented in Oiho in 2009. Unlike the hotdog, it is actually made of dog.

* Hothounds are traditionally served at all Oiho State football games, but are difficult to eat with a bucket on your head.

* Cleaverland, Oiho is the home of the Mom Jeans Hall of Fame. Across the street is a museum dedicated to nerdy bicycle helmets.

* The state of Oiho currently bans its citizens from visiting most of Asia, including the small island Asian country of Hawaii.

* The Intercontinental Railroad first began construction in Cincy, Oiho, connecting Oiho to France.

* Toldeo, Oiho was the site of the first Special Olympics Bowling Championship. The winning score was 129.

* Every Memorial Day, the city of Akorn, Oiho holds a parade including corpsemen and fallen heroes.

* Dual use door-windows were first used in Oiho. The placement of these in all government buildings was a requirement for statehood.

* Oiho is one of the only states to not allow citizens to conceal-carry guns. The state does, however, issue permits for the bitter-clinging of weapons.

* The permit also allows for the bitter-clinging of religion. Only one religion and one gun can be bitterly clinged to at a time.

* Oiho is home to the national Typical White Person Association. Its mission is to be typical, white, and bitterly cling to things.

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That about wraps it up for fun facts about the state of Oiho. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go try and eat a hothound with a bucket on my head.

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UPDATE: Linked at Legal Insurrection.

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Link of the Day: Saddest Words in the English Language – The Intruder’s Injuries Were Not Life-Threatening

[High Praise! to RAML]

Anti-Gun Senator Shoots Intruder

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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Neil Armstrong, 1930-2012

Neil Armstrong on the moon

Astronaut Neil Armstrong on the moon. Photo: NASA.

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds – and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of – wheeled and soared
And swung high in the sunlit silence. Hovering there
I’ve chased the shouting wind along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious burning blue
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle, flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.

— John Gillespie Magee, Jr.

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What Is The Bacon Salute?

Taking this completely out of context, Crabby Old Bat [High Praise!] left a comment reading in part:

on Hogan’s Heroes, Col. Klink was usually shown unenthusiastically responding to “Heil Hitler!” with a monotone, muttered, limp-wristed, dismissive wave of a “Heil . . . Hitler” of his own.

Now here in America, we tend to use hand gestures that are more patriotic and less genocidal, like military hand salutes and placing your hand over your heart.

Which made me wonder… what would be the appropriate hand gesture to make while saying “Bacon to you!” (as you thoughtful and supportive Moon Nukers are wont to do to one another)?

Offhand I’m thinking hand held up in front of you, with thumb and forefinger pressed firmly together as if you were hold a strip of crisp bacon between the digits. Sorta like this:

However, I’m still open to suggestions. Fire away.

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UPDATE: In the comments, Dohtimes [High Praise!] suggests using ~ as shorthand for “bacon”. ~ to him for the idea.

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Look! It’s Obama’s New Presidential Seal!

[High Praise! to NO_MO_BAMA]

[via the comments to this post]

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30 Seconds to Read, But It’ll Have You Smiling All Day

From Parkway Rest Stop [High Praise!]

Nancy, the Haunted Louse.

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Matthew 11:15

Sam was bleeding.

He was a tough man, having survived many scrapes over the years. He had faced some internal demons, too, but came away from that stronger than ever.

This time, though, things didn’t look good.

He had a large family, and always offered what he had to them. Sure, some took advantage of him, and made it difficult for others in Sam’s family. But, Sam had a big heart, and always took care of his own.

His kindness extended to strangers. Over the years, when a neighbor experienced trouble, Sam would come to his defense. Sometimes, complete strangers experienced Sam’s generosity. And, sometimes these strangers took what Sam offered, demanded more, then spat in Sam’s face. But, Sam shrugged it off. He was just that kind of guy.

This time, though, Sam appeared to be in trouble. One of Sam’s family members was attacking him.

Barry had left home and had gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd. He had returned, but this was not a joyous, Prodigal Son type of return. Barry came back, and thought Sam owed him things. Sam helped Barry anyway.

Barry had repaid Sam’s kindness by launching a vicious attack. Sam could hold his own in a fight, but an attack from within the family put Sam at a disadvantage.

Others, part of Sam’s family, rushed to the rescue.

Unfortunately, without tearing the house apart, there was only one way to reach where Sam and Barry were, and only one at a time could get there.

Several of Sam’s family rushed to his defense. Willard got to the door first. Leroy and Rick and the others quickly calculated that Willard would get to Sam’s defense first, and rather than block the door, preventing Willard or anyone from helping Sam, they backed off. But not Ronnie.

Willard, you should know, was a lot like Barry. He did leave home but didn’t hang around the wrong crowd. Still, a lot of his way of doing things and Barry’s way of doing things were similar. Not everyone in the family was enamored by Willard. Willard was a better version of Barry, in many ways. But, better nonetheless.

Ronnie was a popular fellow with a lot of the family. Some looked at him as the odd cousin, though. Ronnie was basically a good guy, but he had his flaws.

Ronnie kept telling Willard to let him help Sam. Willard paid no mind, and had to briefly fight Ronnie off. There was only room for one person to get to Sam to help him. And there was no time to sit and bicker while Barry continued his attack. Willard got there first.

Barry’s attack was brutal. Sam was definitely in trouble, but Barry had now turned his attention to Willard. And Barry wasn’t alone. Barry’s hooligan buddies where there, ready to fight Willard.

Willard looked back at the door through which he came and quickly cleared a path. Others could now help him in his fight against Barry and his buddies.

“Need a little help in here!” Willard called. Leroy, Rick, and others came. But it might not be enough. Barry’s friends were strong and used to fighting dirty. And Sam needed help.

Ronnie called out, “Hey, Willard! I want to lead the fight.”

“I’m here now. Come help me!” Willard shouted back.

“C’mon, Ronnie,” Rick said as he rushed to Willard’s defense.

Leroy, always the gruff one, said, “Give us a hand, Crybaby,” as he headed into the fray.

Ronnie had to decide. Join the fight, help save Sam, and let Willard get all the glory? Or stand by and see how things worked out? And, he had to decide by November 6.

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Fun Facts About the 50 States: Kansas

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it’s time to follow the yellow brick road out to Kansas, so let’s get started…
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In 1952, this design replaced the old Kansas state flag, which consisted of a blue background behind a wicked witch and four flying monkeys.

* Kansas became the 34th state on January 29th, 1861 because America needed to meet its Affirmative Action quota for stolen Indian land.

* Kansas was originally populated by people from Iowa who just couldn’t handle that state’s hectic, fast-paced lifestyle anymore.

* The state bird of Kansas is the meadowlark, whose beautiful song failed to impress Simon during an American Idol audition.

* The state flower of Kansas is the sunflower, the seeds of which are highly poisonous and can only be cured with high doses of steroids.

* At least according to the Major League Baseball Player’s Union.

* Kansas lies along the eastern edge of Colorado, but sometimes sneaks across the border in the dead of night to steal the occasional mountain.

* Kansas normally maintains a constant temperature of 72 degrees all year long, but sometimes impish tornadoes mess with the thermostat when no one’s looking.

* At just over 4000 feet, Mt. Sunflower is the highest point in Kansas.

* And yeah, they stole it from Colorado. Dirty, thieving Kansasians!

* Members of the Kansas Board of Education voted to outlaw the teaching of evolution in Kansas schools to avoid offending monkeys who were outraged at the suggestion that they evolved from hippies.

* The state song of Kansas is “We’re Not Too Crazy About Newton’s Theory of Gravity, Either”.

* The state motto of Kansas is “Flat, boring, and full of wheaty goodness. We’re like America’s snack cracker!”

* The word Kansas comes from a Sioux Indian word meaning “Probably not a good place to build a ski resort”.

* Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world’s largest ball of twine. It contains over 300 miles of string and 73 slow kittens.

* Kansas has a population of 2.6 million people, but surprisingly, NONE of them have ever seen “The Wizard of Oz”, and they’ll just stare at you blankly if you refer to someone’s dog as Toto.

* The state tree of Kansas is the cottonwood tree, which is used to make very splintery T-shirts.

* The first female Mayor in the US was Susan Salter, elected in Argonia, Kansas in 1887. However, she was soon driven out of office due to a scandalous affair with her intern, Marvin Lewinsky

* No relation to Monica, although he WAS rumored to occasionally wear a blue dress.

* The dial telephone was invented by Almon Stowger of El Dorado, Kansas and was a vast improvement over earlier models which required the user to make different animal noises for each digit.

* The 34th President of the US – Dwight Eisenhower – was born in Abilene, Kansas. His portrait was removed from the dollar coin in 1979, but still remains on most Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.

* In exchange for the relatively low income tax rate, citizens of Kansas are required to spend one week each year working in one of the state’s wheat mines.

* Kansas has the lowest suicide rate of any state in the US, mostly because there’s nothing high enough to jump off of.

* The state sport of Kansas is WheatBall, which is even less exciting than it sounds.

* The state constitution of Kansas guarantees its citizens the right to keep and bear tornadoes.

* Mostly as a defense against any flying monkeys that might their way over the rainbow from Oz.

* Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in the US. These birds are also known as “prairie chickens” or “meadow Frenchmen”.

* There are over 500 caves in Kansas. The fact that Bruce Wayne owns all of them does NOT prove that he’s Batman.

* Last year, Kansas grew 500 million bushels of wheat, which, if it were all made into bread, would be enough to feed Michael Moore lunch.
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Well, that wraps up the Kansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be out shopping for moonshine in Kentucky.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go play a game of WheatBall… yay.

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[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

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RONPAUL!!1!!! NOT ROMNYE!!!!1!

GOP
Hi, everyone. I want you to meet our nominee, Governor Mitt Romney!

Mitt
Thank you! I’m proud that I’m going to be your nominee.

RONPAUL!!1!!
You’re no different than Obama!! Vote RONPAUL!!1!!!
Continue reading ‘RONPAUL!!1!!! NOT ROMNYE!!!!1!’ »

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