I Do Love Me Some Nerd Humor

[High Praise! to SMBC]

Send to Kindle

Revealed! How They’ll Get Three Movies’ Worth of Material out of “The Hobbit”

I must confess, I don’t remember a lot of these scenes. Then again, it’s been quite a few years since I read the book.


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #185,665)

Send to Kindle

You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “President Obama changed the design on the Presidential Seal…“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

Send to Kindle

The ONLY Vision of the Future That Has Ever Come True With 100% Accuracy

Every single one of these predictions from 1995 was correct:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,131,179)

Send to Kindle

If Biden’s Brain Could Be Hacked

There is a report floating around on the interwebs that scientists, using Science! have succeeded in hacking a person’s brain and retrieving information from it. As scary as that sounds, the procedure is still in its infancy, and requires a lot of brain activity to pick up on.

Regardless of this little problem, which I am sure Science! will fix eventually, I can foresee such a brain-hacking of an important person. Say…Joe Biden for instance. That would be interesting. So, of course, I had to think to myself what might be retrieved from Mr. Biden’s brain in such an experiment…

Biden Brain Hacks
______________

10. *silence* (Scientists: “crank it up to 50!“)

9. “Hmm, where have my pants gone this time?”

Hey girl. You thinking what I’m thinking?

8. “What does Barack see in that teleprompter of his? He’s not as intimate with me.”

7. “I wish I had as big of a stick as Barack does.”

6. “I wish I had a rainbow pinwheel. Those are really cool.”

5. “My favorite three letter word is wood…w-o-o-d. It has such a woody quality to it.”

4. “I had a successful dump today. Was about 150 lbs.”

3. “This brain sucking project must be a big @#$% deal.”

2. “If I had a nickel for every time Barack puts papers in my personal safe, I’d have, um, a lot of nickels.”

1. “After this is over, I am going to look up the website number for this place.”
______________

Send to Kindle

Link of the Day: Did You Know DEMOCRATS Was an Acronym?

[High Praise! to The Looking Spoon]

Five Democrat Acrostics

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Send to Kindle

Here Comes the RNC!

The Republican National Convention starts tomorrow! Are you excited? Yeah, I’m not really that excited. Still, it’s Romney’s big chance to really introduce himself to the country. And Ryan will hopefully get to wow everyone. And Chris Christie will hopefully yell at people. Charlie Crist — the tall Oompa-Loompa — won’t be speaking there, though, as the DNC got him — they’re more the home to people who care for nothing other than political ambition.

Yeah, the Democratic National Convention goes second and has a chance of upstaging the Republicans, but I’m not sure how. Is there anything more tiresome than the thought of Obama giving another speech? I mean, the one Biden gives might be some comic relief, but they’ll force him to stay on script and it will probably just be boring. But they have fake-Indian Elizabeth Warren! Won’t American respond to yet another rich person whining about rich people? And then there is the dynamically unlikable Sandra Fluke taking on our nations greatest problem: how annoying it is to go to Walgreens and buy your own birth control. Plus I hear at the end of the DNC, they’re going to execute a baby live to show their extreme allegiance to abortion.

The Democrats are out of ideas, and they don’t seem anywhere close to getting some any time soon. So if the GOP can be positive and upbeat and show they have the direction for the party, they’ll win over Americans and the DNC will just look stupid and gloomy in comparison.

Plus don’t forget to keep mentioning how the economy is bad and the Democrats were in charge for the past four years. That’s kind of an important point.

Send to Kindle

Honoring Neil Whatshisname

Jim Treacher ran across this. It’s Obama’s tribute to the astronaut dude that died or something:

20120827-165305.jpg

Yep. Neil Armstrong, the first man to set foot on the moon, dies, and Obama honors him with a picture of … Obama.

Kinda makes me wonder how Obama would honor others on their passing. Any suggestions?

Send to Kindle

A Moment With Joe Biden: Contraceptives

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden.

BIDEN: …and it’s really just that simple. If you want to maintain free access to safe, clean, contraceptives, you need to get out on Election Day, and bring all your friends too, and make sure that Barack and I can keep working to fix this mess that George Bush left us with. Ya know, my dad used to tell me what it was like when he was a kid. He’d say, “Joey,” ’cause that’s what he called me… “Joey, it used to be a whole lot tougher back in my day.” He’d say, “You’d meet up with a local girl, a pretty little gal that wanted to… we used to call them ‘party girls’ back then. But, anyway, you’d find a place like the alley behind the trash bins, ’cause you couldn’t afford a hotel, times were tough. And you’d have to take your chances. If that girl got pregnant, then by gosh you’d have to pack up all your stuff and leave town in the dead of night, and it wasn’t pretty. And so, don’t ever forget how lucky you’ve got it today, Joey. Don’t ever let this country go back to those awful days when an honest, hardworking, respectable guy was forced to give up his wife and kids and leave his family behind in order to escape having to take responsibility for his teenage mistress’s unwanted pregnancy, just because he didn’t have access to free, reliable contraceptives.” And, my dad’s words are as true today as they were back then, and that’s what makes America great…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

Send to Kindle

The Next Obama

CNN asks “Who is the next Obama?” Are arrogant know-nothings really that hard to find? CNN could probably just look around their newsroom.

Send to Kindle

Companies Are About Profit?!!

Here’s a disturbing statement from Obama:

Romney worked at a BUSINESS that was about creating PROFIT?!!!!

So, really, does Obama have absolutely no idea how the private sector works? He is really this divorced from the businesses we interact with every day?

Well, Obama, have you been about creating jobs? How has that worked out for you? Maybe you should at least have the vaguest clue how capitalism works before you try restructuring the American economy. We really should get Obama to try running a lemonade stand outside the front of the White House. That experience would probably make his economic knowledge a thousand times better.

Send to Kindle

Straight Line of the Day: The Obama Campaign Just Got Some Horrible News…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The Obama campaign just got some horrible news…

Send to Kindle

Federal Budget FAQ

People seem all confused and scared about the idea of the federal government having a budget again — especially Harry Reid — so over at PJ Media I thought I’d explain everything in a new FAQ.

Since the national debt is almost $16 trillion — so big it’s essentially a made-up number — can’t we just ignore it?

This is not a good idea, as it will not continue to ignore us. Our credit was already downgraded. At some point, the world will lose confidence in the U.S. economy, and we’ll no longer be able to borrow money. This could result in a complete economic collapse.

And what happens after that?

The apes take over. They’re debt-free.

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts: BIRTHER!!!

I’m very secretive about my birth certificate because it shows I’m a native Californian (don’t let anyone in Idaho know!).

BREAKING: Romney has issued an apology. “It was wrong of me to point out how foreign and divorced from basic American values Obama is.”

BREAKING: Obama camp has released this response to Romney: “You didn’t say that.”

I want to go on record as not being sure of the wisdom of Romney stepping into this. That is all.

BREAKING: Response from Obama: “I won’t have a cancer-causing felon question my place of birth!”

Best response Romney camp can give to Obama outrage: “Lighten up, Francis.”

Just wish I bought stock in fainting couches.

PRO TIP: New Q-tips made especially for professional athletes.

You mean at the DNC we’ll get a SPEECH from OBAMA! Sure to be a game changer!

Women have other concerns than abortion such as contraception and being raped by non-Democrats.

Romney, now make a joke about him being a socialist!

It’s so cute some people think there is still a gun debate.

It’s just a joke. Conservatives don’t really care anymore that Obama was born in Kenya and raised a Muslim.

The main crux of the argument for the pro-gun control crowd is “Grr! Freedom scary!” and it just doesn’t work in this country.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that dog-eating weirdo was from another country.”

Hey, Romney, I double-dog dare you to use this line in your next speech: “And let’s ship his Keynesian ideas back to Kenya!”

Another good line: “And I would never question Obama’s faith. I hear he’s very devout and prays at least five times a day.”

Remember when Apple was known primarily for those Macintosh computers you only ever saw in the classroom?

When you ask a Bostonian to make a pirate around, does he just say, “Ahh!”?

So has Apple passes Microsoft now in being the evil empire?

“Daddy! DADDY!”
“What?”
“I eat potatoes!”
“And you felt the need the inform me of this?”

I don’t why a sub-two-year-old feels the need to narrate everything she does. It’s not like she sounds like Morgan Freeman.

Still, it’s the the most awesome thing ever ever that I’m somebody’s daddy.

What I learned from Buttercup today is that a squirrel is a combination kitty/monkey.

Boy is Buttercup opinionated. We had an argument over whether a chihuahua is a cat or a dog, and I did not win.

After the mean joke today, Obama, bless his heart, could really use a hug. What a special little guy.

After years of study at the Mayo Clinic, they are now releasing to human trials BACON MAYONNAISE.

I don’t get the different dry settings on a dryer. I thought dryness was a binary state.

One of the options is “damp”. Why would you put something in the dryer you still want damp? Just wring it out a little.

I’m going on vacation Wednesday evening, so tell me how the RNC went.

Send to Kindle

Ryan Plan vs. Obama Plan

[High Praise! to The Last Refuge]

Send to Kindle