Happy birthday, Mr. President

It’s the president’s birthday. Really.

Just think, 51 years ago today, Barack Hussein Obama II was born, possibly in Hawaii or Kenya or somewhere. And, today, with a lot of hard work and sweat, we’ve still failed to keep him from becoming president. But, we don’t need to let that fact interfere with our wishing nothing but the best for Mr. Obama.

He’s worked — okay, golfed — hard these last four years, and the least we can do is hope he has a happy birthday today and a long retirement beginning noon, January 20, 2013.

We’ll focus on the birthday today, though.

In the spirit of bipartisan ship, we’re taking a page from the Republicans — you do realize I’m not a Republican, although I do seem to vote for them a lot, right? — and send our wishes to the president.

The GOP has a Website set up to send the president some birthday wishes: BaracksBirthdayCards.com. If you want to send birthday wishes there, great. They’re also trying to raise money for the Barack Obama Retirement Program, which is a worthy cause. But we’re not encouraging you to give them money.

You see, we’re not all about the money here. We genuinely want you to send your birthday wishes to the president in the comments.

I’l start:

Happy birthday, Mr. President. You are living proof of the American dream. Since, technically, a nightmare is still a dream.

Okay, let me try that again.

Happy birthday, Mr. President. Here’s hoping you have many, many more. And that the guards you’ll have in Leavenworth beginning next year will treat you with proper respect.

Hmm. One more time.

Happy birthday, Mr. President. Sorry your plan to destroy America didn’t work out. You gave it a good try, though.

Okay, once more.

Happy birthday, Mr. President. The prospect of unemployment sucks, doesn’t it? Like they said when you were a child, “Welcome to America!”

Anyway, see how easy it is? No profanity now. Or, at least, if you must be profane, use abbreviations or asterisks or something. But, be nice. Kinda nice, anyway. A little bit nice. Okay, just be funny.

Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

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  1. Happy Birthday Mr. pResident. May the Mexican government allow you conjugal visits with Michelle after your conviction for Fast and Furious related murders of Mexican citizens. If they are truly compassionate, they might deny you those visits.


  2. Okay, Mr. President. I want you to have a traditional American birthday experience. And one of those traditions (that you might not be aware of) is the customary American birthday spanking. However, because you’ve been such an incredible President, and because of your world-wide fame, we actually have a volunteer straight from Singapore who’d just love to give you 51 love-taps and one more to grow go on.


  3. Umm…what wonderful thing do you say to a man that’s already said so many wonderful things about himself?


  4. Happy Birthday, Mr. President. You share a birthday with English poet Percy Bysshe Shelley, author of Ozymandias. May your legacy be celebrated in much the same way as that of the subject of the classic sonnet.


  5. Humble Peasant Salutations To Our Exalted Leader!

    Dear Leader, did you know that you also share a birthday with Helen Thomas? She shares your enthusiasm for all things Palestinian!

    You know who else was born on your special day?

    Iceberg Slim, a thug pimp who saw to it that others got screwed while he got rich…and Abdurrahim Wahlid, a former president of Indonesia, who became “former” when he was ousted by the legislature for ineffective leadership.

    Now, while our legislature doesn’t have the courage to oust you…we, your humble proletarians who didn’t do that, will try to oust you come November, so that you too can share in the status of your fellow August 4th Leo who was removed for being so frighteningly ineffective.

    That present may be belated, and it may take some time to unwrap, but we will do what we can to see that it’s all done and dropped in the dumpster by January 20th of next year!

    Smoke it while you got it!

    Most Sincerely,

    The American Proletariat


  6. Traditionally, in America when you turn 18 your parents give you a speech about becoming an adult, taking responsibility for your own actions and supporting yourself and kick you out of their house so they can start your own life . While I don’t know at what age that traditionally happens where you are from I can only hope that that age is 51. So with that said, I’d like to wish you a happy birthday Mr. President…now get out of my house and mooching off my money. It’s time for you to act like a grown-up and start paying your own way, answering for your own actions, and taking responsibility for consequences of those actions. We’ve been more than generous and patient with you and now it’s time for us to take care of our own needs instead of taking care of you. Good luck with your future endeavors



  7. Mr. President, would show us your birth certificate so we know if it’s really your birthday?


    The National Celebration of The Natal Anniversary of Our Exalted Leader is celebrated whenever He deems it to be.

    We Humble Unworthy Proles dare not question the origins of The Leader or anything about Him, lest we incur His wrath manifest through His Truthsquads and Attackwatchers.

    Merely lay your garlands at the base of His statue, being certain to avert your eyes, and slouch away unworthily.


  8. Welcome to your 50’s, Mr. President. It’s time to start getting regular prostate exams. You can do this at your doctors office or with the TSA.


  9. I’m pretty sure the alternate finish to Happy Birthday my dad used to sing to us when we were kids is out…

    Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too


  10. Happy Birthday Mr. President. May you celebrate many, many, many more, as many more as possible. It’s been pretty well demonstrated that the stress associated with being President dramatically shortens a man’s life. I do sincerely hope that come November, a great stress burden will be relieved you so that you can have many, many more birthdays.



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