Biden Cheats Fundraising Crowd

Vice President Biden showed up two hours late to a fundraiser in the Hamptons.

Those poor attendees – paying all that money and getting screwed out of hearing hundreds of Joe’s best gaffes.

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One T-shirt Sums Up Illegal Immigration Perfectly

[High Praise! to Sad Hill News]

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Shocking! – DNC Schedule Released!

[High Praise! to iOwnTheWorld and Doug Ross]

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7:00 pm OPENING FLAG BURNING
7:15 pm PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE UNITED NATIONS
7:20 pm Max Baucus PROPOSES A TOAST TO Barack Obama
7:25 pm OPENING PRAYER – Reverend Jeremiah Wright
7:45 pm CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING – Darryl Hannah
7:55 pm Max Baucus PROPOSES A TOAST TO Darryl Hannah
8:00 pm GLOBAL WARMING OMFG!!!!!!!!! – Al Gore
8:30 pm WHY FOURTH TRIMESTER ABORTIONS MATTER – Barbara Boxer
8:55 pm Max Baucus PROPOSES A TOAST TO Barbara Boxer
9:00 pm CHARGING OUR TROOPS WITH WAR CRIMES – John Kerry
9:30 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM HUSSEIN AND MUAMMAR GADDAFI – Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
9:55 pm INCOHERENT RAMBLING ABOUT COWBOY POETRY, ETC. – Harry Reid
10:00 pm Max Baucus PROPOSES A TOAST TO Susan Sarandon
10:05 pm COLLECTION DRIVE FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN MEMORIAL FUND – Cher
10:30 pm FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY – Sean Penn
11:00 pm OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS – William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm Max Baucus PROPOSES A TOAST TO Susan Sarandon’s Rack
11:50 pm A PLEA FOR MASS PARDONS OF THE OCCUPY WALL STREET RAPISTS – Howard Dean
12:15 am FREE THE MINUTEMEN IN AFGHANISTAN’S PRISONS – Michael Moore
12:25 am Max Baucus PROPOSES A TOAST TO Jessica Alba
12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am NOMINATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA – Nancy Pelosi
12:55 am Barack Obama ACCEPTS NOMINATION, GRAMMY, AND TONY AWARDS
1:15 am THE TRUE STORY: HOW I KILLED BIN LADEN – Barack Obama
1:25 am Max Baucus SINGS NATIONAL ANTHEM
1:30 am CORONATION OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA
1:55 am Max Baucus PROPOSES A TOAST TO Mitt McRyan
2:00 am Bill Clinton asks Max Baucus to drive Hillary home.

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Why People Will Vote for Romney in Droves

[High Praise! to The Gormogons]

UPDATE: Linked by Liberal Whoppers

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “The Obama campaign picked up a new endorsement…“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

Also, Keln’s picked the Punchline Nuker of the Week.

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Link of the Day: Exposed! Obama’s Secret Drinking Problem

[High Praise! to I’m a Man! I’m 41!]

Depressed Liberals Are Turning To Alcohol: Obama Leading The Drunken Stupor

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Gay

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden.

BIDEN: …Ya know, it wasn’t that long ago that just to say, “I’m gay” would invite ridicule. Such small minds. Such small, small-minded people, to not recognize that a man loving another man is a totally beautiful and natural thing. Thank God we’ve moved past that way of thinking in our lifetimes. Where would the musical theater be without gays? Where would the rest of us be without the gay florists and interior designers, who have this incredible creativity and talent that normal people don’t have? We should all get down on our knees to show our appreciation, to say thank you to our wonderful gay brothers and sisters for the upstanding work that you do. God bless ya’…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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What Would It Be Like to Attend the DNC?

There have been plenty of anecdotal stories on attending this year’s Republican National Convention, and from most accounts it sounds like it was relatively fun…for a political convention. I still don’t think I’d want to go, but then if I had a reason to go I would probably enjoy it more. You know, like if I was a senator, I could walk around making people bow and kiss my ring. At least, I think that is what senators do.

Well, I was thinking: what would a day at the Democratic National Convention be like? Probably boring, but then hanging around some railroad tracks in the middle of nowhere is boring too…until there is a train wreck. And with that many Democrats and their nutty supporters in one place, there’s bound to be a few wrecks. So it could be interesting after all…

Day 1 at the DNC
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* You’re assaulted by the garbage police for throwing your plastic cup into a “recycle” bin instead of the “composte” bin. It’s clearly marked biodegradeable!

* You try to eat some of that great BBQ, but then are publically shamed and ridiculed by mobs of animal rights activists and militant vegans.

* You give up on the BBQ and go try to get a waffle cone…until Michelle Obama’s personal food police stop you.

* You notice Harry Reid keeps following people into the restroom.

* You keep tripping over hippies laying all over the place. You then notice those are actually the delegates.

* You keep getting the wrong change when you buy things because none of these people can do basic math.

* After listening to a dozen boring speeches, you are then forced to watch a video about how great of a president Jimmy Carter was.

* When the video is over, you suddenly feel sick and head to the restroom. You notice Harry Reid following you.

* You decide to head back to your hotel room to lay down for a bit, but then are attacked by swarms of angry bed bugs.

* Tired, hungry, and feeling a bit sick, you arrive back just in time to hear Michelle Obama speak…and then realize you forgot to bring your Klingon to English translator.
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Yep. Sounds like a great time to me.

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Coming Soon to a Bumper Near You

[High Praise! to The Last Refuge]

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Federal Budget FAQ: The Movie

Captain Whitebread took my recent PJ Media article Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Budget and turned it into an Xtranormal video. I think it turned out pretty cool:

This post has nothing any particular to do with buying my new book, but do that anyway.

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Straight Line of the Day: President Obama Proudly Introduces the Future of Automobiles…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

President Obama proudly introduces the future of automobiles…

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How Can I Help Fix Our Country?

The most common question I get about How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome is “How can I help spread the word about this important book?” That’s a good question. For starters, mention the book on Twitter, Facebook, Pintrest, or whatever social media site people are currently wasting time on. Also, write an Amazon review. A big part of the success of Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything were all the reviews it got (68 at last count). Another thing to do is highlight your favorite lines from the book on your Kindle copy; Amazon keeps track of the most highlighted lines and it’s good feedback to me in particular. Finally, take your favorite ideas from the book and email them to your Congressman and to the president. If they feel there is a groundswell movement, maybe we’ll see some action on the ideas in my book. And if not, well there’s no harm in pestering those idiots.

Remember, ask not what Frank J.’s book can do for you, ask what you can do for Frank J.’s book.

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How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome

The day has come! My new book, How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome, is out. So don’t just sit there! Buy it now! In it, I solve every problem — every single one — our country has forever and ever in the most awesome way possible since America deserves no less. No matter what problem arises, you can just refer to my book and know how to take care of it once and for all. If the Republicans were smart, they would toss out their current platform and replace it with my new book. And if the Democrats were smart… well… they would banish themselves to Antarctica as that would be the most helpful thing they could do.

So go buy my new book and then tell everyone about it. Write an Amazon review, tweet it, Facebook it, send a letter via post office if that’s still a thing. TELL EVERYONE!!!

Why are you still here? You should have bought a copy already! Fine. One more thing. If for some reason you need more enticement than just knowing I’m going to solve all of America’s problems, here’s the entire preface to How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome:

Continue reading ‘How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome’ »

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So… Is Obama Losing California Now?

[High Praise! to Legal Insurrection]

Sighted in Newport Beach, CA

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Where’s Frank?

On WRVA Richmond’s Morning News at about 7:00am ET.

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