“You Didn’t Build That” Backfires on Obama Again

I swear, the way that phrase keeps blowing up in his face, it’s like we elected a cartoon coyote as President:

[High Praise! to Les of Brick Moon]

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It Wouldn’t Taste Bad, But Is It in Bad Taste?

In honor of the awesomeness of both bacon and America, James [High Praise!] sent me this:
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As the political season kicks off in earnest, each of us needs to stand up and be counted. All Americans must decide what sort of nation we want to live in, a tyrannical state run by those who would transform our diet into one composed of tofu and bean sprouts or one that respects our traditional roots and the sound foundation left by our forefathers that allowed up to become the world’s superpower. We much resist the hippie diet, punch them in the face, and return to a nation of the people, by the people and for cured port products. I suggest that IMAO lead this effort as we rally around our new flag.

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And he included a photoshop of the American flag with strips of bacon in place of the red stripes.

My first reaction was, “that’s awesome!”

Then a little voice in my head whispered “that’s the American flag. People fought & died under it. It’s as close to holy as you can get with a non-religious symbol. You don’t mess with it.”

So I’m compromising by putting the picture behind the above link, because I don’t want someone stumbling across the image and making out-of-context assumptions about the intentions of its creator.

The message is simple: America is awesome. Bacon is awesome. Period.

But if you’re a person who considers manipulated images of the American flag disrespectful under any circumstances, I understand. Please don’t click the link.

Have a bacon day.

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Link of the Day: The Condensed Liberal Handbook of Racial Code Words

[High Praise! to Michelle Malkin]

The Condensed Liberal Handbook of Racial Code Words

Just a note: the use of “you people” as a racist code phrase was actually invented by Ross Perot in 1992 during a speech to the NAACP.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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PNOTW

Keln of Nuking Politics has chosen the Punchline Nuker of the Week.

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Can Monkeys With Typewriters Write the U.S. Tax Code?

It has recently been estimated that the current U.S. tax code is about four times longer than the roughly one million word complete works of William Shakespeare.

I suppose the real question is, if monkeys with typewriters given enough time can compose all of Shakespeare’s works, can they also come up with the tax code…or is that actually how it was written in the first place?

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Gratitude

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden.

BIDEN: Ya know, when they first told me I was going to be coming here to the University of Miami to speak to the Center for Latin American Studies, I said, “How soon can you get me there?” I did! I said, “how soon can you get me there, because I can’t wait to thank those hard-working Mexican people for the contribution they’ve make to this country.” And I mean that. Without your hard work, laboring in the fields, picking lettuce and other produce, where would this country be? That’s food that ends up on shelves of not only your own bodegas but real grocery stores. And, ya know, I’ve gotta confess, I don’t speak much Spanish. So, when I first heard the word “bodega” to me it sounded a lot like “brothel.” But, I don’t have to tell you people how you don’t want to make a mistake and end up in the wrong one of those. I mean, there’s only one of those places you’d want your sister working in. The one where they have the colored bananas, right? But, let me tell every student here at the Center for Latin American Studies what those other guys won’t: Thank you. Thank you for making this country great… for the time you spend out in the hot Florida sun at harvest time, investing your hard-earned sweat in those farm fields. Thank you…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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You’ll Believe a Man Can Lie!

Remember This?

Ever wonder what I meant by ‘teaser trailer’? Did you think I’d forgotten about it? No such luck!

ALL WILL BE REVEALED: 9/10/12!

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Forget the War on Women, Democrats Find New Attack Meme

[High Praise! to Jimmy and The People’s Cube]

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Godzilla Helping People

It’s your quote of the day from How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome. This one is from “Chapter Four: Reducing Government”:

Think of the federal government as Godzilla. It’s this large, cumbersome creature that easily crushes buildings and steps on people without even noticing them half the time. Now, would you have Godzilla care for individuals? It would be like, “You look hungry; let me scoop some soup for you.” And while it was concentrating on that small task, it would accidentally step on a children’s hospital.

Well, that’s not completely accurate; I don’t think Godzilla can talk. But you get the picture.

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Fun Facts About the 50 States: Louisiana

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, lift your shirt and earn some shiny beads – we’re headed to Louisiana. So… let’s get started…
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Symbolic of New Orleans – surrounded by flood waters with no land in sight.

* Louisiana became the 18th state on April 30th 1812, mostly to make President Madison’s wife stop nagging him about “when are you going to get up off your butt and do something with all that land west of the Mississippi?”

* Ya know, it wasn’t Manifest Destiny that built this country, it was naggy wives.

* The state bird of Louisiana is the brown pelican, whose enormous beak could, in theory, hold enough beer to get an Irishman drunk.

* The state boat of Louisiana is Noah’s Ark.

* Louisiana is the source of most of America’s seafood, and annually produces more shrimp than a Wizard of Oz cast party.

* The state motto of Louisiana is “Help! I can’t swim!”

* The state flower of Louisiana is the magnolia… although that may soon change to the water lily.

* The highest point in Louisiana is Mt. Driskoll, at 535 feet, while the lowest point is [insert gurgling sound here].

* Louisiana was named after the French King, Louis the 14th, and NOT after the French pronunciation of “lousy, ain’t it?”

* The official soil of Louisiana is silt.

* Louisiana has the tallest state capitol building in the US. It’s 450 feet tall, and is capable of holding nearly a week’s supply of the Governor’s bribe money.

* The state song of Louisiana is Led Zeppelin’s, “When the Levee Breaks”.

* The US acquired the Louisiana territory from France in 1803 in exchange for $15 million dollars in gold and a promise to stop referring to the French as “surrender monkeys”.

* HA! Stupid, gullible, surrender monkeys!

* The state tree of Louisiana is whichever one Katrina didn’t knock down. Probably an oak tree in Shreveport, or something.

* Jazz Great Louis Armstrong was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. His famous song, “What a Wonderful World”, describes his feelings about moving out of the state.

* Rock & Roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis was born in Ferriday, Louisiana on September 29th, 1935. Although he DID at one point marry his 13-year-old cousin, he was NOT actually a degenerate pedophile – just Southern.

* Baton Rouge, Louisiana hosted the Special Olympics in 1983, prompting accusations from Alabama that it was actually just a scheme to raise the state’s standardized test scores.

* Louisiana is famous for its many slow-moving rivers or “bayous”. The word “bayou” is a Choctaw Indian word meaning “Frenchman’s urinal”.

* The first governor of Louisiana chose the pelican as the state bird because it is such a devoted parent that it would tear at its own flesh to feed its young rather than let them starve. The governor was so impressed by this that he substituted “the rich” for “flesh”, and thus was born the Louisiana tax system.

* The state dog of Louisiana is the Water Spaniel.

* St. Joseph Cemetery in Rayne, Louisiana is the only cemetery in the US where the graves have a north-south orientation. All other cemeteries are laid out in a pentagram pattern to facilitate raising the dead via unholy rituals.

* The city of Kaplan, Louisiana is known as the Cajunest Place on Earth and is home to the famous Gumbo World theme park and resort.

* The city of New Orleans was once a haven for pirates, which may explain why most of the post-Katrina looters had parrots & eye-patches.

* The Old Town Hall Museum in Pineville, Louisiana is the only museum in the US devoted to municipal government. While there, don’t miss the Graft & Corruption exhibit in the Huey P. Long Memorial Corruptitorium.

* At the age of 13, all young males in Louisiana undergo a ceremonial rite of passage wherein they finally learn the horrifying truth – that Mardi Gras is NOT a national holiday.

* They are NOT told, however, the horrifying truth that they are descended from the French, as this would completely destroy their fragile minds.

* Whether you pronounce it “New Or-lins”, “New Or-leenz”, “New Or-le-ans”, or even “Nawlins”, SOMEONE in Louisiana will correct your pronunciation.

* When they do, tell the annoying little SOB that he’s descended from the French. THAT will shut him up.
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Well, that wraps up the Louisiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I’ll be getting mugged by gangs of feral lobsters in Maine.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go *ahem* “use the bayou”.

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[The complete e-book version of “Fun Facts About the 50 States” is now available at Amazon.com. If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]

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