Is Nancy Pelosi the New Fire Czar?

During her DNC speech, Nancy Pelosi said “we’re here to re-ignite the American Dream”.

Right… after you just spent the last 4 years pouring cold water on it.

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Obama Gets Consolation Prize

[High Praise! to The Looking Spoon]

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See? The World Would Be MUCH Better Off if Republicans Were More Like Democrats

[High Praise! to Stupid Is a Five Letter Word]

A political parable that begins thusly:

Once there was a Democrat who believed with all her heart that the world should be a nice place. She wanted to live in a world where no one ever did anything bad and therefore no one ever experienced anything bad. A world where everyone would love one another and, just in case they didn’t, a world where the government would be wise enough and kind enough and good enough and strong enough to make them love each other.

Even if you don’t want to read it all, you should at least go look at the pictures (although one of them has adult language).

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Obama Gets an Upgrade

Republican Mia Love said that President Obama “rates his success on how much money he’s divvying out”.

In that case, he should give himself an “A+”, since he’s divvied up every penny we have and then some.

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “The best way to thank the troops…“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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Link of the Day: Bacon Your Way Across the USA

[High Praise! to Apostic]

http://www.baconbarter.com/

Sponsored by Oscar Mayer, a man is trying to barter bacon for whatever he needs as he drives across the country:

Excerpt:

Here’s my deal: I need your help. I’m driving from NY to LA with no cash and no cards – just a trailer full of Butcher Thick Cut Bacon to barter with you for food, lodging, and everything else I need. It’s all to find out if America loves this bacon as much as money!

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Celebrating Diversity

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden.

BIDEN: …and so, it’s such an honor to speak before the Rainbow PUSH Coalition. I love the gay people, and Reverend Jackson has done such great work with this coalition to help gays everywhere. What’s that Jesse? Blacks? Yep, blacks, whites, yellows, gays of all colors have benefitted from your fine work. Everybody give him a hand. Stand up, Jesse! There he is! Wherever I travel, I hear such great stories from gays about the great work… such great work this coalition does. I was on a campaign stop in San Francisco the other day and met a wonderful gay man named Quincy. And, Quincy told me, “Joe, I wish more people understood us the way you do. Joe, you know what people like me go through, trying to live my life as a gay man in a city like San Francisco. It’s not easy. You’re not accepted here. But, thanks to Jesse Jackson and his Rainbow Coalition, I finally feel like I can safely walk the streets of San Francisco as an openly gay man with my head held high.” And, I’ve met plenty of other gays like Quincy that have told me so many great success stories about the work you all do. Let me tell you, The Rainbow Coalition is more than just a song that Kermit The Frog sings. It’s a movement, and a great movement. And, God bless ya…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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More Listening to Frank

Here’s audio of me being interviewed by Riley and Scot on News Talk 1440 WROK. My ideas to solve all of our problems sound so reasonable when I explain them.

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RNC vs DNC

[High Praise! to Liberal Logic 101]

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The Uncanny O-Men: Chapter One, Part 2

[Click here for Chapter One, Part 1]

Somewhere in a secret bunker beneath Washington, D.C., not all that long ago…

“Gentlemen… and ladies… welcome to the future of America!” Dr. Charles Lawrence Xavier, VI, greeted the assembled group of mysterious and powerful benefactors gathered in the ultimate hidden bunker boardroom far below the unsuspecting streets of the most important city in the world.

“Today we begin a journey that will bring about the kind of change we have long sought, but which has, thus far, eluded our grasp,” the wheelchair-bound genius continued.

“We’ve heard this same crap before!” Yelled out one of the many hooded figures at the large wooden table, “Why should we believe you?”

“Why, indeed?” A smirking Charles responded. “Because, this time, the people will do whatever it is we say. After all, we’re the smartest, most qualified people in all the world!”

“Says who?” The skeptic shouted back.

“Says everyone!” Charles told him, as the exchange continued back and forth…

“Oh, really? Why exactly would they say that?”

“Because, my friend, they truly believe it to be so.”

“And why, pray tell, is that?”

“Because they have heard everyone else tell them that for as long as they can remember… which, luckily for us, is a relatively short period of time.”

“Why would everyone be saying such things?”

“Because of all the awards and accolades we have won! Only geniuses win such awards from their peers.”

“What peers?”

“Ourselves! We simply begin forming new groups whose purpose it is to hand out honors to the smartest people in the world! A great many of them! Of course, all of these groups will be controlled by us, and we will decide who get the awards, which of course will be ourselves and others like us, who will in turn award us with more accolades. Soon, we will also take over all of the other traditional groups which hand out such honors, and likewise influence them! Before too long, it all becomes one giant circle-jerk of awards and honors and titles being passed out amongst ourselves.”

“And what does all this accomplish?”

“Isn’t it obvious? The whole world, or at least most of it, will be convinced that we are the most intelligent people among them. The very best and brightest the world has to offer.”

“And no one will question this?”

“Who would dare? All of the people will know who the smartest people are, it will be obvious. They are the ones with all of the fancy awards and honors and titles. Anyone who questions that will, as a rule, be unintelligent.”

“Who says so?”

“We do! As a result, so does most everyone else. All of the smartest people say all of the people who disagree with them are morons. Whom are you going to agree with? The smartest people, which makes you smart, too… or the morons, which tells everyone how very, very stupid you must be?”

“Hmmm. I think I like where this is going! So, I’m a genius, huh?”

“If I say so. After all, I’m a genius, so if I say you’re a genius, I must know what I’m talking about, right?”

“Ahhhh! Brilliant!”

“Of course it is! But why stop there? We’re not only smart while they’re stupid… we’re good while they’re evil! Hell, if we want to, we can convince most everybody that we’re heroes and they’re villains! We could even eventually be perceived as something… super-human! Only a fool would doubt it! After all, we’ve decided that the very definition of a fool is someone who disagrees with us! Think about that! Who could dare to disagree? Soon, everyone will be clamoring to follow us, begging us to take power, to save them from the things they fear, to lead them to a better, brighter future!”

“So,” interrupted yet another board member, “it will be that easy, will it?”

“Well, only if we can take control of all of the means of spreading the message. We need all of our minions and the useful idiots who believe in our vision of the world to take over the media, the schools, and the arts. So we start encouraging them to pursue these careers as a means of changing the world! Who could resist? Once we have a majority of control, we start purging anyone in those fields who doesn’t agree with us from their ranks!”

“We also need to get absolute control of one of the two major political parties in every country,” Charles continued, “of course, we have already made quite a great deal of progress on that front. America, with its rather annoying tendency toward individualism, will be a little more difficult nut to crack than the rest of the West, but with time, it too will fall under our spell. Then come the courts. After all, we need to make certain that they will uphold all of the unconstitutional crap we pass into law despite all of the quite obvious violations of the constitution!”

Laughter shook the room.

“I’m impressed, Charles,” proclaimed Mr. S. “This may prove to be the most devious scheme in the history of mankind! Let us get to work!”

NEXT: Years later…

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Where’s Your Nearest Gun?

It’s your quote of the day from How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome. This one is from “Chapter Eight: Homeland Security”:

If a crazed thug were to rush you right now, what would you shoot him with? If you answered, “With the gun I currently have on my person,” good job. If you had to think where your gun is, then you are not prepared. Bad American. If you answered, “Nothing; I don’t have a gun,” then you have confused me. Don’t you know what country you live in? Don’t you know that we can have guns?

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Straight Line of the Day: After a Florida Pizzeria Owner Hugged President Obama…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

After a Florida pizzeria owner hugged President Obama…

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Coffee and Markets and Frank J.

Go check out my podcast interview with Coffee and Markets… if for some reason you still need convincing to buy my new book. Just buy it already.

I think I’m getting better with radio interviews. I still ramble a little and blurt out ethnic slurs when I get nervous, but otherwise I’m solid.

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Our President Needs Help Communicating

We are facing a very difficult crisis in this country, which culminates in the ultimate outcome of the election in November. It is the possibility that our beloved president might be cast out of office prematurely by the forces of evil, greed, more evil, and woman-hating racist bigotry. And evil. And rich white people, who are evil. You might ask how this could be? The answer is that most Americans, something like 99%, all of whom love our dear leader, plan to stay home during the election.

I need some help. Please, it’s for the children…and my next memoir or two.

But how can this be?

It is simple…our dear leader did not communicate to us well enough. It’s our fault really, as The One cannot be expected to always speak in terms that us common people can really understand. When he starts saying things like numbers, and math, and words that end in -ly or aren’t contractions, we are easily confused, and we don’t know what to think. You see, as long as the welfare checks keep on coming, we think everything is OK. But it is not OK…our dear president can’t undo all of the evil greedy woman-hating racist bigotry that ensued during eight years of the Bush in a mere four years.

I mean, he still has to create a lot of jobs, because Bush sent most of them to China, since that is what evil greedy woman-hating racist bigots do: send jobs to China. Now, I don’t personally know anyone that actually likes jobs, but they are something that is needed here in America, because something..something.

Anyway, it is up to us to get the word out and to spread the president’s message, in simple speech that us regular folks can actually understand. To do this, we need to translate it. One thing that has to be done is to remove numbers and anything that sounds like math, because normal people don’t understand or even care about math…since it is some useless thing that annoying nerds came up with anyway. For instance, instead of telling people that the unemployment rate is “8.2%”, we should say “the unemployment rate is really little”.

Or, instead of admitting that the national deficit is “over sixteen-trillion dollars”, we should simply tell people that the national deficit is a made up thing with fake numbers, since nobody ever heard of “trillion”, because Republicans made it up.

Another thing we need to do is to parse down the explanations of why things aren’t all that great. Instead of explanations about deficits, and budgets, and spending, and economic climate or any of that nonsense, we should just be saying that it is basically Bush’s fault. Because that is what all of that fancy stuff actually means. I wish the president would just say that more, but he is a noble person and doesn’t like to blame others, even when it is warranted.

Finally, the message that Obama might be kicked out of office like this, pretty much in a coup since we did vote for him last time basically so he could be president for at least eight years, needs to be told to everyone. I think a lot of people just don’t know that Obama might not be their president anymore after next January. If they did, they would probably turn out to the polls in droves.

And more importantly, they need to know who he might be replaced with…a Republican. That’s bad enough, but this particular Republican is part of the 1%, and is greedy, rich, evil, a woman-hater, a racist, and a bigot. Like more than regular Republicans I mean. And I also heard somewhere that he is a nazi. And possibly a devil-worshiper, and a sorcerer that can give people cancer on a whim. Worst of all, there is even a possibility that he doesn’t pay his taxes. That is a pretty big claim, and it might not be true, but we should still warn people about it, just in case.

I think we’ve kind of let Obama down for not doing all of this earlier. We kind of voted him in, and then just went back to eating Cheetos, smoking pot, and playing video games like normal Americans like to do. Instead, we should have been there for him, helping him spread his message. Now it’s time we get out there, spread the word, maybe burn down a few Romney signs, fill a few vans with homeless and/or illegal immigrants and/or dead people to go rock the vote this election, like we did last time.

It’s for the children…

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Where Frank At?

At 10am ET, I’ll be on the Riley & Scott show on 1440 WROK in Rockford, IL.

At 11am ET, I’ll be on with Melody Burns on 1300 WGDJ in Albany.

And I’ll also be on the Coffee and Markets podcast, which should be up later today.

Of course, I’ll be talking about my new book which I assume you all bought and told everyone about.

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