How to Interpret Polls Showing Obama Leading Romney

[High Praise! to Irritable Pundit]

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This May Explain the Chicago Teachers’ Strike

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[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #85,072)

The animation in this is just hypnotic.

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “An unexpected polling result…“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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Obama TV Shows

[High Praise! to The People’s Cube]

Here’s a partial list. Click here for more.
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• Super Nanny State
• Everybody Loves Ramadan
• The B Team
• That 70’s Economy
• Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Donor
• Two And A Half Men, A Transgendered Lesbian, An Abortion Clinic, And A Solar Panel Factory
• Project Runaway Deficit
• Survivor Abortion Clinic
• Chicago Dope
• Malcolm In The Middle East
• How I Met Your Mother, impregnated her and went back to Kenya
• Who Wants To Tax A Millionaire
• Orange County Flopper
• Dog The IRS Agent
• Law & Order: Criminal in Tent #occupy

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This Is Just Cruel: Proof Obama Attended Columbia

[High Praise! to Liberal Logic 101]

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Link of the Day: The 87 Most Irritating Obama Quotes

[High Praise! to Right Wing News]

The Worst Of Barack Obama In Quotes (87 Quotes)

The fun part is seeing how many of them you already knew but hadn’t thought of for a while. For most Moon Nukers, I expect the entire list will ring some bells.

Tangentially related, Regretsy has an entirely NSFW soundboard of Barack Obama swearing like a sailor, garnered from Obama’s audiobook-reading of his own autobiography. The man sounds like Samuel L. Jackson discussing his feelings about snakes on a plane.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Muslims

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …but you in the Muslim community have always been some of Barack’s biggest supporters. And, God bless ya’ for that. Oh, I’m sorry, Allah bless you. Or, is it Mohammed? Ya know, I’ve met so many of you today named Mohammed. Which one of you is the real one? Who’s the real Mohammed? Is it you? No? I didn’t think so. Well, by God, you’re all the real Mohammed as far as I’m concerned. That’s right. But, throughout our history the Muslim community has been the backbone of America. When we were fighting to start this brand new country called America, who was right there fighting side-by-side with us against the Canadians? The Muslims! That’s right. And, when we were struggling to put a man on the moon, who provided the vital technology that allowed us to put astronauts into space? The Muslims. And, when we were a country that was still reeling from the vicious attacks perpetrated against us back on that rainy 9/11 morning, who was it that stood with us… who were our friends that reached out in support of this country, who helped us recover and rebuild, and fight back against those that perpetrated those brutal attacks? That’s right. You’re darn right, it was the Muslims…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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Radiation: The Cure

[Originally posted at Nuking Politics]

You know, there is just something about people in the Arab world that just doesn’t square right. I mean, they keep on taunting, like, the most powerful nation in the world ever…it just doesn’t make sense. What could they be missing?

Oh, I know…a healthy respect for the consequences of an unhealthy dose of radiation.

Take two of these, and call us in the morning…

See, they kind of remind me of a rather psychotic people about 70 years ago or so…the Japanese Empire. Back then, the Japanese didn’t make video games, and cool robots, and stupid cartoons. They made ridiculously effective war machines, and they coupled that with fanaticism, much like the Islamic fanaticism we see today out of Arab nutjobs.

They were a tough enemy to beat; far more dangerous than your average Al Qaeda member. But they shared that whole fanaticism thing, if not the inability to actually produce stuff thing. As in, Islamists are about as useless at making anything of value as a sloth with a left-handed hammer. They just can’t do much besides hate people and suck oil out of the ground.

So the Japanese Imperialists were more dangerous, because they weren’t only as moonbat crazy as Islamists are, they were also crazy good engineers, and extremely dedicated workers.

So you might wonder how we conquered such a nation? Simple: we nuked the noodles out of ’em. And in that process, we taught them about the consequential effects of radiation. Since then, they have turned their industrious nature towards more friendly (and profitable!) pursuits, such as making cool robots and video games and stuff. Lesson learned!

So, I think this lesson could possibly be applied to the Middle East. See, they have the whole fanaticism thing down pat, even if they can’t really be much of a threat above the annoyance level. I mean, in the geopolitical neighborhood, the Middle East and those terrorist fellows are like the stupid neighbor that won’t cut their grass.

So, it is time for the Homeowner’s Association to step in, headed of course by the United States. How do we get them to clean up their act? Simple…teach them about the dangers of radiation. By dropping several nuclear bombs on them. We don’t even need to drop them on cities or anything: we aren’t going for death tolls like they do. We just want to teach them to have a healthy respect for our power by giving them some examples of what these weapons, that they clearly don’t understand, can actually do. And more importantly, that, yes, America is willing to use them.

I mean, really…this is like the only thing we haven’t tried. At this point, there is really nothing left for us to do except start bombing the ever-living daylights out of them. They just won’t understand who they are messing with until we use the very weapons that made us the country you don’t mess with.

If it can work for an aggressive Japanese Empire, it can work for some bozos still living in the the 7th century.

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Straight Line of the Day: For His Upcoming Appearance on Letterman, President Obama…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

For his upcoming appearance on Letterman, President Obama…

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Cairo Embassy: We Can Read Arabic

So, the Muslim Brotherhood has a Twitter account. Who knew, right? And, to save face and all of that, they sent a ‘lil tweet at the Cairo Embassy (who also has a Twitter account, apparently) saying they were happy that nobody got hurt in Cairo. That was their English tweet anyway…

Muslim Brotherhood: @khairatAlshater: We r relieved none of @USEmbassyCairo staff were harmed & hope US-Eg relations will sustain turbulence of Tuesday’s events

U.S. Embassy Cairo: @Ikhwanweb Thanks. By the way, have you checked out your own Arabic feeds? I hope you know we read those too.

Apparently, the Arabic version of the Muslim Brotherhood Twitter account was praising the attacks.

Do these people actually think that nobody in the United States, much less diplomatic agents in Arabic-speaking countries, can read and understand Arabic?

Really?

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I’m Back! …Later

Just a post to remind you I’m still away, but I will be back to regular blogging next week.

Oh, and buy my book.

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How to Schumer-proof Your House

[High Praise! to Stephen]

New York democratic senator Charles “Chucky will eat anything” Schumer was on the warpath recently, taking a page from the New York City mayor’s book on banning things, to push for a ban on laundry detergent “pods” that apparently look like candy to kids. Well, Schumer took it a bit further and claimed he thought they looked delicious, and saw one on a staffer’s desk and immediately wanted to eat it.

Mmmm…delicious…?

Aside from the fact that this might show some self-control issues on the part of Schumer (better hide your candy!), and the question of “what is a laundry detergent pod doing on a staffer’s desk?”, it does bring up a rather important topic: how to make your house safer for children, and especially for Chuck Schumer.

How to Schumer-proof Your House
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* Hide wallets and purses, coins, checkbooks, and anything else related to money. You know democrats…they just can’t resist other people’s money.

* Make sure there are no cups or glasses that can hold greater than 16 ounces, just in case Chuck has a hankering for a soda, and accidentally pours more than the law allows.

* No big popcorn bowls either.

* Ensure there are no poisonous plants that look edible in your home. Chuck just loves his greens.

* Use electrical outlet plug safety covers. Politicians love power, and Schumer just can’t help but stick his finger into an outlet if it is uncovered.

* Make sure you separate out the head and tail of a batch of ‘shine to prevent methanol poisoning.

* Oh wait, that is a step in “100-proofing your house”.

* If you can still get a hold of them, try to use only incandescent bulbs. The CFL ones look kind of like a McDonald’s ice cream cone, and Schumer can’t help but take a nice crunchy, toxic bite.

* Actually, Schumer thinks incandescent bulbs look tasty too. Go without lighting. Use torches.

* Remove shaving cream from the bathroom. Chuck likes his coffee Irish, with whipped cream…and he sometimes gets Cool Whip and Barbasol confused.

* Remove any copies, likenesses, references to, or books about the U.S. Constitution. They cause Chucky to burst into flames.
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Now, doesn’t your house feel safer already?

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That New Monkey Species Looks Familiar

Where have I seen this face before?

Oh yeah

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And Now, a Few Words From Willy Wonka

[High Praise! to iOwnTheWorld]

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Barack Obama, movie star

Barack Obama needs a job. You see, he’s never had a real job. Oh, sure, he’s had made-up jobs like “community organizer” but he’s never done anything that’s real or useful. Yeah, he was a state legislator, but all they have to do is say “yes” or “no” when bills come up for a vote, but he couldn’t even get that correct. He voted “present” a lot.

Now, he’s in the most important job in the world, and is doing like you’d expect: he sucks at it. He has no idea what he’s doing, and the only time he’s not screwing things up is when he’s actually taking a vacation and playing golf.

You may be wondering why he never got a job playing golf for a living, but there’s a real good reason: he’s so bad at it that he’d starve. We’d have another homeless Obama running around, and goodness knows there are enough of them scattered all across the globe. So he plays golf for fun. I can only assume he plays president for fun, too. I mean, if he hated it because he sucked at it so bad, there are a lot of people who would gladly do the job … and do it better.

Of course, his doing a piss-poor job as president won’t last forever. He’ll be needing a new job come late January. Whatever will he do?

I’m thinking he’s planning to go into show business, become a movie star. He’s already hanging around the Hollywood crowd, and I think part of he reason is to get into the movies. Plus, movie people don’t really do anything useful. They’re good for a laugh, and when their job makes you cry, it’s not over anything real. So, perfect for Obama.

What kind of role could he play? Well, if they ever do a remake of D. W. Griffith’s Birth of a Nation, he could play the role of an 1871 South Carolina Reconstruction legislator.

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Maybe, though, that’s not the best decision. Perhaps you can help. What would be a good movie role for Obama?

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