No, THIS Is What Obama Inherited…

[High Praise! to The Astute Bloggers]

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DNC: Single Picture Version

[High Praise! to iOwnTheWorld]

Yeah, that about sums of 3 days of idiot bloviations.

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How the Media REALLY Feels About Obama

Panelists on CNN admitted that the media had a “love affair” with President Obama.

Well, that would explain all the little hearts by his name in the headlines.

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One Picture: Obama’s Mideast Policy

[High Praise! to After Math]

[Original here]

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “Obama had a security camera installed…“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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Link of the Day: Barely Satire – The MSM on the Embassy Attacks

[High Praise! to Grandpa John’s]

Democrat and MSM Response to Egyptian, Libyan Protests

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Friend of the Indians

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …but, there’s no greater friend to the American Indian Center of Chicago than Barack Obama. Not only is Chicago Barack’s hometown but, like myself, Barack is proud to call Miss Elizabeth Warren a dear, dear friend. As I’m sure you know, Miss Warren is one of your very own squaws… she’s a proud Democrat running for the senate as a Cherokee. Well, both Barack and I have been to Elizabeth’s beautiful tepee out there on the reservation. It’s so gorgeous, with the deerskins drying out front alongside the many colorful, hand-made pots. And we’ve shared so many wonderful evenings where we’d have a traditional Indian pow-wow, eating chicken curry, drinking firewater and smoking peace pipes as she told us such great stories of her proud tribal heritage… and such great, historical Native American ancestors, like Tonto and the great chief Dances With Wolves. And, after one of those evenings Barack turned to me and he said, “Joe, it’s about damn time we had stricter laws in this country to punish the criminals that bring blankets infected with smallpox onto those reservations.” And in his next term Barack will get it done! Now the Republicans, they’re gonna want to try to politicize this issue like they always do. Because they don’t care that tens of thousands of Native Americans die each year from smallpox-infected blankets. But, Barack can get stricter laws passed and then enlist help from some of your own Bollywood film stars to help with some P.S.A.’s that will get the word out that if you put smallpox on a blanket you’ll face a darn tough prison sentence…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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Random Thoughts: I’ve Been Gone Nearly 3 Weeks Edition – Part 2

Finally saw the Dark Knight Rises tonight. I enjoyed it! Borrowed a lot from The Dark Knight Returns.

We do need to see Batman punch Superman on the big screen one day.

I wonder if in Japan there are Godzilla truthers. “Lizards can’t melt steel!”

For some reason I really like this new 1-star review my Obama book got. “I do not allow such into my mind!”

7-11 has Romney and Obama coffee cups to choose from. I like coffee better than either of them.

I wish I was quicker on my feet, but I feel like I’m getting better at this radio thing.

My biggest problems on radio are that I tend to ramble, I’m easily flustered, and I blurt out ethnic slurs.

About a 3rd through book 4 of Game of Thrones and I’m not hating it. Wouldn’t call it boring, just not as exciting as previous.

When someone feels the need to assert he’s an independent, you know you’re about to get hit with something extremely tiresome.

“I don’t like the title of this book, so I’m going to write it a bad review.” Who does that?

I’m in a cabin far out in the woods in New Mexico. With broadband Internet. Perfect place for videogames.

There really needs to be a moratorium on people who moved out of California from voting in other states. Stop that from spreading.

Everything must be pretty great in the Middle East if their biggest concern there is YouTube videos.

Obama: “Well, I know who didn’t kill our ambassador: Osama bin Laden!”

So is the argument that Romney would be worse at foreign affairs than the undistinguished community organizer and legislator?

Why again did we elect that guy in wartime?

Whoever signed me up to receive Green Day touring announcements, you succeeded in annoying me slightly.

Why don’t we all be quite about this Middle East stuff until Biden releases the definitive statement on it.

I don’t think much of the press is going to vote for Romney.

I remember when free speech was universal value, or maybe that’s part of remembering good old days that never were.

OBAMA: “I don’t like America either, but you don’t see me killing people. Well, besides the drone strikes.”

This iPhone 5 sure has a lot of amazing new ::YAWN:: oh, I’m so sleepy.

If Christians want more respect, they need to be more murderous when offended.

Romney really needs to watch his criticisms as the current president is extremely delicate.

Romney just seems so much more presidential that perhaps the press sometimes confuses him for the incumbent.

In the American system, it’s wholly appropriate for the citizens of New York to tell Bloomberg what he can eat but not the other way around.

When the Count from Sesame Street is in sunlight, does he A) sparkle B) die C) is he a daywalker like Blade?

The left aren’t taking away your freedom, they’re just limiting the area in which you can use it.

I really hate the flippant attitude about freedom in the defenses of the soda ban. We need a remedial “Being an American” class.

Mitt Romney apparently makes a lot of statements that are scary to people who don’t like him because he’s a Republican.

It’s apparently a widely held view on the left that Muslims are subhuman animals who can’t be held responsible for their actions. That’s the only way I can understand the focus on those who provoked Muslims rather than the Muslims who commit murder.

It’s good to know that press will surround and protect the delicate flower that is our president.

Have we thought about spreading Christianity in the Middle East? It works pretty well here.

Maybe I’ve lived a sheltered life, but I’ve never been in a situation where gas station bathroom condom dispensers were relevant to me.

So is this video making fun of Islam more or less offensive than murder?

Arches National Park: “As seen on the Utah license plate!”

I love park warnings about not discharging firearms because it assumes you have one and it’s okay with that.

At Arches National Park, there is a big Swiss biker gang. Not very intimidating.

What does Swiss do to show they’re tough? Eat really really dark chocolate?

Had Americano for the first time today. I liked it. Probably because I’m an American.

Everyone understands that trying to keep murderous morons from being offended is a fool’s game, right?

How about an Americano, but instead of hot water over espresso, use hot coffee. If not yet a thing, call it a “Frank J”.

The arches at National Arches Park were made by weathering, dynamite, and sand blasting equipment.

McDonald’s should totally work out a sponsorship deal with Arches National Park.

A protective coating on Delicate Arch to prevent further erosion was considered, but they decided it was against the Prime Directive.

With people murdered, anyone focusing at all on a movie the murderers don’t like is a useless idiot who should be ignored in all things.

When gas is $3.85, why do they expect me to care about some card saving me a pitiful 5 cents a gallon?

Remember the primitive days long ago when people drank water straight from the tap like a bunch of savages?

Why did radical Muslims riot and kill when they didn’t like a YouTube video? Don’t they know it has a thumbs down option?

I don’t want to live in a world where there aren’t lots of things offending murderous dimwits in the Middle East.

I’m enjoying those Game of Throne books so much I bought one of those popular Tickle-Me-Tywin dolls.

When you tickle him, he stares at you with an intense, silent loathing.

Instead of forcing it to make a Z sound, wouldn’t it make X cooler and more mysterious to say no words start with it?

And Z gets so little work already; why is X poaching words from that poor guy?

And shouldn’t we admit that Y is never a vowel, it just sometimes steals words from actual vowel for unknown reasons?

Sesame Street says I can’t sponsor them.

So is the election really over already? Like should I get started with the sequel to my Obama book? I have a ton more material to work with.

To whom it may concern: That’s stupid and you’re stupid.

I never saw “The People vs. Larry Flynt.” Did it end with the government crippling Flynt for offending people?

I think a lot of our problems are from focusing on electing a “great” president instead of just one who’s not an aggressive screw up.

I don’t like the 47% figure because it ignores taxes for Social Security and Medicare which are quite significant.

GAFFE!!!1!!1!elventy!!

Been playing Max Payne 3. Apparently videogame makers have finally developed the technology allowing you to PAUSE CUTSCENES.

I’d be curious to see a poll of what percentage of people think they’re in that 47%.

Strategy for Romney: Repeat “The last four years have been terrible. Obama has been president those four years.” over and over.

Technically, I want Romney to win, but I have a lot of great ideas for a new Obama book.

The focus on the Romney tape is great excuse to keep mentioning the “bitter clingers” Obama line again.

I think the bitter clingers line is more meaningful seeing Obama’s lack of respect for freedom of religion as president.

Winners don’t do drugs or rely on government.

So I’m guessing from the reaction that embassies get stormed and ambassadors get murdered all the time, sort of like credit downgrades.

How about as a compromise to releasing the blink sheikh we blind some other sheikh and release him?

You know that “you’ve made everyone dumber” speech from Billy Madison? The media needs that directed at them every day.

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Pelosi’s Expensive New Government Program

At a press conference, Nancy Pelosi said it’s “important to the stability of the region” to keep sending US aid money to Egypt.

Really? Sounds more like a “Cash for Clunkers” program.

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The Only Guaranteed Way to End Islamic Radicals Murderous Rage

Do you have a problem with Islamic radicals like this one?

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Everything seems to fill them with murderous rage! What can you do? Give up on freedom of speech and hope that will keep them from violent rampages? But even that doesn’t always work.

But what if I told you there is a solution that removes all potential rage from a crazed Islamic radical and it works in seconds? Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? But it’s for real! I bring you the DeRager™:

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How does it work? Simply apply the DeRager™ directly to the forehead of Islamic radical. I’ll have my lovely assistant show you how:

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And that’s it! Now try exposing that same Islamic radical to any material you want — blasphemous or benign:

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That’s right! No more murderous rage!

So stop worry about how the speech you or other use may incite violence; just apply the DeRager™ today!

The DeRager™: The only guaranteed way to ensure that Islamic radicals don’t react in murderous rage.

(from the makers of ClueBat™)

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A Kind of Ironic Justice

So, a bunch of angry Pakistanis decided to have a protest against that “movie” some guy made that makes fun of Mohammed…because burning U.S. flags and effigies and beating things with sticks is how you make formal complaints to Youtube over there.

In a twist of fate, one of the protesters died from inhaling smoke from the burning of American flags:

One of the participants of the rally, Abdullah Ismail, passed away after he was taken to Mayo Hospital. Witnesses said he had complained of feeling unwell from the smoke from US flags burnt at the rally.

It’s probably wrong to find that funny, but I did anyway.

And it gave me an idea: purposely making flags for export use out of materials that are perfectly safe, unless you burn it, at which point it gives off a deadly toxic gas. We can put big warning labels on them, for safety: “Burning this flag may cause immediate death from inhalation of toxic vapors, or delayed death from American military.”

Not that we’d attack people for burning our flag, but people over there who like to do that and get all angry and violenty, tend to meet the business end of a drone or cruise missile sooner or later.

It’s just karma or somesuch.

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Straight Line of the Day: To Celebrate Its 1 Year Anniversary, Occupy Wall Street…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

To celebrate its 1 year anniversary, Occupy Wall Street…

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I Return!

Well, that was a long time gone? What I miss? Two national conventions of politicians speaking?

Bleh.

And then we had embassies stormed on 9/11 and people murdered, which the press reacted to by… criticizing Romney. Have we gotten to the bottom of that? Have we determined whether Romney spoke inappropriately or not? I can’t think of anything else relevant about all that.

Oh, and we just had the new Romney “gaffe” which the press is convinced will keep everyone from noticing how bad a president Obama has been the past four years.

Wow, the press is really working completely against us lately. Of course, a solution to that (along with everything else) is in my new book. It’s been out two weeks today, so I assume everyone has listened to Buttercup:

If you read it and liked it, please write a review on Amazon; I really want to know what people thought of the book. If you read it and didn’t like it, seek mental help because it’s an awesome book and there is something wrong with you.

Well, anyway, missed you all. Now let’s get prepared together for this storm that’s only going to intensify until November 6th.

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Random Thoughts: I’ve Been Gone Nearly 3 Weeks Edition – Part 1

Nothing is more fun than standing out in a hurricane while shouting up at the storm with defiant rage.

“Thanks to a better scheduling system, I can finally make time for that important bleeding.” -Blain

I liked Chris Christie’s speech better than Ann Romney, though I didn’t watch or read the transcript of either. My basic feeling is – without knowing anything about either speech – is that the Christie speech probably had more substance. And I like substance. And cheap fat jokes.

The left are threatened by how Republicans keep having their policies influenced by unelected people such as the Koch brothers and Math.

I once conceal carried dual 1911s while traveling cross country. You never know when a Jon Woo movie will suddenly break out.

30 minutes in to 22 hour trip, Buttercup announces she’s “All done in the car.”

The Democrats are always less strident when talking up the U.S. “America is a good country, comparable to Canada.”

Missed the Eastwood speech. Apparently it was either weird or awesome. Perhaps it was wawesome.

Is there ever talk of the Democrats closing up the gender gap with men? Like being less whiny or something?

Okay, a couple pages into the first chapter of book four of Game of Thrones and I’m bored.

So what’s Obama’s story for the DNC going to be? That he knows how to solve everything and that the first 4 years were to build suspense?

I’m working on a darker, grittier reboot of the Care Bears modeled after the A-Team. “Bears that care… for a price.”

I wish Jim Morrison had lived long enough to do a children’s album.

If my editorials don’t get enough attention, I’ll just start calling them “fact checking.”

By the whining of the left, I get the impression Obama was the first president ever to have to deal with an opposition party.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but the squeaky mouse gets its head crushed with a hammer.

“C is for Cookie, and yet I feel empty inside.” -suicide note of the Cookie Monster.

Because of the Supreme Court case The State of New York v. Thimble, you can now collect your $200 before going to jail.

Really dumb lizards are kept in a herp-derpetarium.

Koalas sleep 23 hours a day. You’re really lucky if you go to a zoo during the hour they’re active and have their koala dance party.

Penguins can fly, but they’re all going for the “beat the ice world without flying” achievement.

So did they buy enough balloons for the DNC to cover up the unemployment rate?

Most non-political people seem surprised that needing a photo ID to vote isn’t already law. Because it’s just common sense.

If you think jobs are made by jobs bills, please don’t vote.

The Democrats have only superficial diversity. Does it really matter what color your arrogant, incompetent buffoon comes in?

“The DNC; you’ve never seen a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. And Cory Booker is there too.”

I’m in Texas right now, BTW. It’s nice, but it’s all “Yee-haw!” this and “Yee-haw!” that.

I’m trying to act like a native, but I’ve already spent $100 in ammo for firing my gun in the air in excitement.

If Obama is doing a good job then I guess Jimmy Carter was the greatest president ever.

Favorite part of DNC is when old man Harry Reid says, “We would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling Constitution!”

I hear the DNC had a video tribute to Ted Kennedy, the only politician with a confirmed kill in the War on Women.

“So I’m looking pretty much like a genius in retrospect, huh?” -Bill Clinton’s DNC speech, presumably

A line from Obama’s speech is “If I’m lying, may God strike me down” which was why they moved the speech inside.

The Democrats could really dominate again if they could find another politician like Bill Clinton but not so rapey.

The DNC can placate any of those who booed God and Jerusalem with free abortion vouchers.

They booed God at the DNC? Somehow Karl Rove has to be behind this.

The booing was bad. The “Give us Barabbas!” chant afterwards was even worse.

The president stands up for all religions people bitterly cling to.

Oh great; and now some of the delegates are forming a human shield around the golden calf to keep it from getting torn down.

Dems in disarray! Someone go fetch the empty chair to restore order!

They had to move the Obama speech inside because Elizabeth Warren did a rain dance and thus there was a 1 in 32 chance of rain.

Everyone keeps making fun of my eyebrows from that video. The camera adds ten pounds of brow.

I’m play Final Fantasy VII. Cloud sure can wield that weapon better than Pyramid Head.

With the weather in Charlotte, it’s starting to sound like the DNC needs to build an ark and put two of every interest group on it.

For some reason, A Feast for Crows is number 2 in humor. Not funny so far.

I missed the Obama speech. Did he apologize?

If you’re still an Obama-booster, you’re probably immune from results-based thinking and I’m guessing you loved the speech.

I hope Dolan stopped at Walgreens on the way here to pick up Sandra Fluke’s birth control.

I hate speeches. The only political stuff I watch is debates… even though nothing usually happens there either.

The most interesting, unscripted part of the DNC was when they booed God.

If you’ve finished reading How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome, it would be really cool of you to write an Amazon review. I’d totally be your best friend. And I assume it would be a good review because, come on, it’s an awesome book.

Now that I’ve seen the new Kindle, my current Kindle seems so old and stupid… like reading from an actual book.

So what’s the next thing we obsess on? The debates?

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America’s Reply to Obama’s “I’m Not Done Yet”

[High Praise! to American Digest]

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