How to Schumer-proof Your House

[High Praise! to Stephen]

New York democratic senator Charles “Chucky will eat anything” Schumer was on the warpath recently, taking a page from the New York City mayor’s book on banning things, to push for a ban on laundry detergent “pods” that apparently look like candy to kids. Well, Schumer took it a bit further and claimed he thought they looked delicious, and saw one on a staffer’s desk and immediately wanted to eat it.

Mmmm…delicious…?

Aside from the fact that this might show some self-control issues on the part of Schumer (better hide your candy!), and the question of “what is a laundry detergent pod doing on a staffer’s desk?”, it does bring up a rather important topic: how to make your house safer for children, and especially for Chuck Schumer.

How to Schumer-proof Your House
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* Hide wallets and purses, coins, checkbooks, and anything else related to money. You know democrats…they just can’t resist other people’s money.

* Make sure there are no cups or glasses that can hold greater than 16 ounces, just in case Chuck has a hankering for a soda, and accidentally pours more than the law allows.

* No big popcorn bowls either.

* Ensure there are no poisonous plants that look edible in your home. Chuck just loves his greens.

* Use electrical outlet plug safety covers. Politicians love power, and Schumer just can’t help but stick his finger into an outlet if it is uncovered.

* Make sure you separate out the head and tail of a batch of ‘shine to prevent methanol poisoning.

* Oh wait, that is a step in “100-proofing your house”.

* If you can still get a hold of them, try to use only incandescent bulbs. The CFL ones look kind of like a McDonald’s ice cream cone, and Schumer can’t help but take a nice crunchy, toxic bite.

* Actually, Schumer thinks incandescent bulbs look tasty too. Go without lighting. Use torches.

* Remove shaving cream from the bathroom. Chuck likes his coffee Irish, with whipped cream…and he sometimes gets Cool Whip and Barbasol confused.

* Remove any copies, likenesses, references to, or books about the U.S. Constitution. They cause Chucky to burst into flames.
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Now, doesn’t your house feel safer already?

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16 Comments

  1. In another development, the Procter and Gamble legal team got ahead of the problem by reclassifying the product as a contraceptive device. An unnamed P&G legal dept spokesman wearing a shiny, ill-tailored suit and sporting a thin black mustache responded to challenges saying, “Well, it kinda is when you think about it.”
    P&G anticipates record sales since limiting access to the product in any way will now be a violation of women’s rights. Efforts are underway to provide the product to all women at no cost, including free delivery to home, apartment, dorm, workplace or daycare facility.
    The Supreme Court has ruled that failure to purchase this product can be taxed.

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  2. Good thing he’s fighting the pods! Of course, regular washing machine soaps, bleaches, stain-removers, and fabric softeners are perfectly safe, and can be left around where small children can consume them. Heck, saves you the trouble of making lunch!

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