New York democratic senator Charles “Chucky will eat anything” Schumer was on the warpath recently, taking a page from the New York City mayor’s book on banning things, to push for a ban on laundry detergent “pods” that apparently look like candy to kids. Well, Schumer took it a bit further and claimed he thought they looked delicious, and saw one on a staffer’s desk and immediately wanted to eat it.
Aside from the fact that this might show some self-control issues on the part of Schumer (better hide your candy!), and the question of “what is a laundry detergent pod doing on a staffer’s desk?”, it does bring up a rather important topic: how to make your house safer for children, and especially for Chuck Schumer.
How to Schumer-proof Your House
* Hide wallets and purses, coins, checkbooks, and anything else related to money. You know democrats…they just can’t resist other people’s money.
* Make sure there are no cups or glasses that can hold greater than 16 ounces, just in case Chuck has a hankering for a soda, and accidentally pours more than the law allows.
* No big popcorn bowls either.
* Ensure there are no poisonous plants that look edible in your home. Chuck just loves his greens.
* Use electrical outlet plug safety covers. Politicians love power, and Schumer just can’t help but stick his finger into an outlet if it is uncovered.
* Make sure you separate out the head and tail of a batch of ‘shine to prevent methanol poisoning.
* Oh wait, that is a step in “100-proofing your house”.
* If you can still get a hold of them, try to use only incandescent bulbs. The CFL ones look kind of like a McDonald’s ice cream cone, and Schumer can’t help but take a nice crunchy, toxic bite.
* Actually, Schumer thinks incandescent bulbs look tasty too. Go without lighting. Use torches.
* Remove shaving cream from the bathroom. Chuck likes his coffee Irish, with whipped cream…and he sometimes gets Cool Whip and Barbasol confused.
* Remove any copies, likenesses, references to, or books about the U.S. Constitution. They cause Chucky to burst into flames.
Now, doesn’t your house feel safer already?