The first presidential debate is Wednesday, and it’s time for Romney to win over that 0.4% of people who haven’t decided how they’re voting yet for some reason. I don’t know if I’ve said it before, but I don’t really like Obama and I want him to lose, so I thought I’d give Romney some debate tips to help him win.
DEBATE TIPS FOR ROMNEY
1. When you shake hands at the beginning of the debate, headbutt him. That’s will psych him out for the rest of it.
2. In your opening statement, say, “I plan to prove tonight beyond a reasonable doubt that Obama should be executed for treason.” Obama probably isn’t expecting a trial, so that will really throw him off.
3. Bring visual aids to help make your point. “This kitten is the economy, this bat is Obama’s economic plans…”
4. Constantly brandish a pipe while speaking. This may cause Obama to not use his attack lines out of his natural fear of being beaned with a pipe.
5. If you make a gaffe, quickly start dancing Gangnam style so people forget all about it.
6. Have a particularly delicious dog walk out on stage during the debate. If you can get Obama to attack and eat a dog on stage, that could cost him a percentage point or two.
7. To really throw Obama off his game, start slapping him when he’s trying to speak. If the moderator complains, slap him too.
8. No matter how much he cries, no matter how much he begs, never let Obama be clear.
9. Wear a sombrero and speak like Speedy Gonzales to win over Latino voters.
10. If the debate is going poorly, request trial by combat. That may not be in the debate rules, but they might not know that.
11. Another way to psych out Obama during a debate is to fire a gun into the air and random intervals.
12. People haven’t liked the past four years; make sure to point out who was president then.