Meanwhile in Ohio:
This guy’s gonna get in serious trouble for mixing trash in with the recyclables.
From the description:
There are fish to catch, berries and nuts to gather, and a den to dig out – but Bearack Obama the Brown Bear soon discovers that the government can do all of those things for him! There is only one problem – the government doesn’t do any of those things as well as Bearack can himself, and he soon finds himself becoming bored, sad, lazy, and unhealthy. It isn’t until he breaks free from dependency on others and relearns the joys of being self-sufficient that he once again is the healthy, happy, and free bear that he was always intended to be.
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Hard to believe how much dog-related stuff is there.
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[by Son of Bob]
And now, a moment with Joe Biden…
BIDEN: …when I saw Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair. And, I thought, I don’t get it. What am I missing here. I mean, the chair is supposed to be Barack? I’m sorry, I just don’t get the joke. Barack has never looked like a chair. And the chair was supposedly talking to Eastwood? I just don’t get it. Chairs don’t talk. Everyone knows chairs don’t talk. It’s not like a sofa or a painting. So, I guess that was their attempt at humor, but it didn’t make much sense to me. Now, an elephant or something with pronounced ears, that would make sense. At least you’d understand why that was supposed to be Barack. But, why would he be a chair?…
This has been a moment with Joe Biden.
So California has huge unemployment and is going bankrupt. So their solution: raise taxes! Because that’s the problem with California: taxes just aren’t high enough.
“Come on! They’ve raised taxes in California! Let’s all move back there!”
We really need a policy where people who move out of California aren’t allowed to vote in another state for a decade or so. I know a lot of the people fleeing aren’t part of that idiocy, but we just can’t take that chance. We have to stop the spread of what’s destroying California. And then do the only sensible thing: Burn California down in an “accident” for its insurance money.
For an IKEA catalog in Saudi Arabia, they used all the same images from their regular catalog but removed women from the photos because Sauds are scared of women. It’s kind of like if you were making an IKEA catalog for cavemen, you’d remove images of fire so as not to scare the cavemen with the evil flame demon. Actually, it’s pretty much exactly like that.
“Unga bunga. Me trade you stylish desk lamp for oil.”
Maybe we need to start making some steps to start pushing Saudi Arabia to not be so offensively backwards… but do it subtly. Like change the name of the part of the State Department that deals with them to “The Caveman Division.” Perhaps we can explain every simple thing to them carefully like they’re children. “This is an iPhone. Not evil spirit. Contains angry birds, but they will not harm you. Only hurt pigs.”
It just seems like we need to do something other than pretend this is all normal, as it gets rather insulting to us to have to stoop to their level.
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
The biggest line item in the White House budget…
It’s not enough that Romney just point out how awful Obama is… well, I guess it probably should be, since scientifically improbably to elect a worse president than Obama, but anyway, Romney needs to make so proposals of his own to inspire the American people to a better tomorrow. Here are my suggestions that should really get his campaign moving.
PROPOSALS ROMNEY SHOULD MAKE TO GENERATE CAMPAIGN ENTHUSIASM
* Reduce the average size of spiders by hunting down and making extinct whatever the largest species of spider is.
* Start a new super soldier program where we task our scientists to giving a man all the powers of Aquaman.
* Vow to defeat all other world leaders in fisticuffs.
* Each year the budget isn’t balanced, a random member of Congress gets brutally murdered.
* Invade and defeat our arch-nemesis Guam, finally putting those evil Guamians in their place.
* New law of land: Wednesday will for hence forth be known as “Nacho Day.”
* To temper the rise of vacuum cleaner robots, new three laws of robotics that all robots must be programmed to obey:
1) A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2) Unless the human is a Communist, because all robots must hate Communism.
3) A robot must do the robot dance when commanded, even if this violates the First Law.
* New hobo tax. No more freeloading hobos!
* Create a new national dance and make a video of it that will go even more viral than Gangnam Style.
* Move headquarters of the president from the White House to a hollowed out volcano.
Know what? Forget these for Romney. They’re all now proposals for my presidential campaign in 2016.
So what’s the approximate percentage of Americans that care whether or not Obama did a good job as president?
I figure about 40+% voted for Obama because there was a D next to his name. 4 years later, it’s still there.
I’ll live tweet the debate. Or play video games. Whatever I can get my wife to give me time for.
Going to be hard to tell from the reviews whether Taken 2 is any good since critics didn’t really like the first one.
Remember back in the day when you could get poor people to vote for you with like free soup? But now you have to give them smartphones.
We should elect a Republican president so the media will once again work 24/7 to hold him accountable.
The differences between an Obamaphone and a regular phone:
* It automatically rejects calls from people with a different opinion.
* Every time you take a picture, it produces a grimmer image of America.
* It doesn’t have a plan; it just keeps telling you how bad the other guy’s plan is.
* When it crashes, it blames your previous phone.
* All 3 AM calls go directly to voicemail.
* It has a really useless app called “Biden.”
* Pairing it with another device sucks all the energy out of the other unit.
* Type in “job search” and it gives you directions to the welfare office.
* The navigation feature covers all 57 States.
* The default ringtone for international calls is “I’m sorry, so sorry, please accept my apology.”
* The healthcare app downloads and installs itself without your permission.
* When you make a call, a teleprompter pops up to help you speak.
* Restaurant reviews are all written by Michelle Obama.
* There are never any winners on Angry Birds.
* Instagram takes two months to process a photo and you have to fill out 3 PDFs to do so.
* Paypal app is replaced with ReceivePal app.
* You can’t find “Jerusalem” on Google maps.
* It turns all your Facebook friends into enemies and all your enemies into friends.
* Don’t want to work? There’s an app for that, too.
* It automatically bows down to phones made by foreign companies.
* When you watch a YouTube video, a US ambassador gets killed.
* When you dial “home”, it calls Kenya.
* As opposed to the iPhone, it’s called the mePhone.