Proof That Obama Reads Intelligence Briefings

[High Praise! to After Math]

[Full size here]

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “During the debate, off-camera you could hear…“.

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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Obama Does Have That Reverse Midas Touch, Doesn’t He?

Mitt Romney criticized Obama’s handling of the economy, saying his administration invests in “losers”.

Why? Did Obama put a bid in on the Houston Astros?

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How Romney Won the Debate

[High Praise! to Travelwise42 and Townhall]

Although probably not the cartoonists intent, my interpretation of this cartoon is not that Romney wants to give people free bacon that’s paid for by the government.

That’s “Free Bacon” as in “Free Mumia” or “Free the Chicago 7”.

Romney is offering to unimprison everything that is good and right and just and beautiful about America.

As Moses would say: “Let my bacon go”.

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Link of the Day: Interview With Darkhorse Presidential Candidate Stav Blackmane

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

Stav Blackmane Interview: Part1

Also, Part 2, where the reader-submitted questions get a lot more fun.

Excerpt from Part 1:
_______________

1. Why do you seem to still be trying to position yourself as a “real” candidate – the whole “dark horse” thing – rather than as a running gag

It is necessary… It is required that I position myself as a real candidate for two main reasons. 1) I want my ideas, my positions on various issues, to have as great an impact as they can, which won’t happen if I’m just running a joke campaign. There is considerable historical precedent supporting this, by the way, and even candidates who have no chance of winning in a particular election – or even grabbing the nomination – can force changes to the party’s platform if their supporters are numerous enough or vocal enough to demand that their concerns be addressed.

2) If I had won the nomination, I would have been a ferocious campaigner, relentlessly hammering the President, his cabinet, his friends, his sock-puppets in Congress, and his sycophants and stenographers in the media, all the way up to my victory speech on election night, and beyond.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Cell Phone

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …I mean, I don’t know how they stoop as low as they do. Honestly, I don’t. There’s a video that’s been making the rounds of a lovely lady, who shares with this reporter from somewhere how she appreciates her cell phone… it’s a phone she received as part of a fantastic program that Barack Obama’s been doing such a great job with. So, this lovely lady simply says how much she appreciates being able to take part in the program… and she’s a lovely African-American woman. Here she is at a rally, and she’s articulate, and bright, and clean, and for no reason at all Republicans are making fun of her. I’ve never seen anything like it. Just blatant racism…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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I Don’t Think That’s What “Going Green” Is Supposed to Mean

A layer of algae is plaguing the Lincoln Memorial pool after $34 million was spent to improve its appearance.

I’m sure Obama will just call it a “green” jobs program and hail it as a success.

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Should Our Video Game Actions Count Against Us in Elections?

In a state senate election in Maine, some people are trying to disqualify a woman from office for what she does in World of Warcraft. Does what we do in video games count against us for political office? Because I have done some terrible things in video games. I mean, in Ultima VII, I once went village to village slaughtering everyone just because I was bored. And I’ve done enough things in ten minutes of Grand Theft Auto to disqualify from like eighty elections. Of course, I’ve also killed like a billion Nazis and saved Hyrule a dozen times. So, you could look at what I do in video games and decide I’m like the greatest person ever and should be king. I’d love to be king, because then I could spend all day playing video games and no one could complain. You’ve seen what I’ve done to my city in Sim City when I tired of it; don’t make me angry so I do that to you.

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Straight Line of the Day: The Funniest Liberal Reaction to Obama’s Debate Performance…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The funniest liberal reaction to Obama’s debate performance…

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Obama Complains of Debating “Not the Real Mitt”

What Obama claims he faced at the debate instead of Mitt Romney.

In a speech the day after the debate, Obama said “That wasn’t the real Mitt” that he faced in the debate Wednesday night.

“What I faced in that debate was nothing like the real Mitt Romney,” Obama told 12,000 backers at a park in Denver. “It was more this giant horrible thing. Like a robot. A giant, metal robot. Something invincible that my tiny hands just impotently clawed at and were unable to make a mark. Or a Mack truck. I think I expected Romney to be in the podium next to me, but I turned and what I saw was this truck careening towards me. It hit me very hard… and now I’m having trouble remembering…”

Tears were visible in the president’s eyes as he continued. “And then there was this monster there. It roared at me and grabbed me and slammed me into the ground over and over and I screamed, ‘This isn’t Mitt Romney! I supposed to debate Mitt Romney!’ And I kept trying to read from the teleprompter in my mind like my debate trainers told me, but the monster wouldn’t stop beating me and the words were so fuzzy. And then this horrible, incomprehensible thing stood over me and… and… it’s hard to remember. Please don’t make me remember!”

The president started bawling. “It started questioning the job I did as president TO MY FACE! It was the most agonizing thing imaginable! Why didn’t somebody stop it?! Why?!”

The president then curled up into a fetal position and started rocking back and forth muttering. “Tell me I’m smart. Someone please tell me I’m smart.”

The president’s aides say that Obama is really prepared for the next debate and Romney better watch out, but the real Romney better show up for that debate instead of an invincible robot monster that crushes everything before it.

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Random Thoughts: Debate Aftershocks

In honor of Game of Thrones, I think I’m going to refer to Wednesday as the “Red Debate”. Poor Robb Stark.

With a 20th anniversary like that, I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out Michelle has divorced Obama today.

Word is Romney is going to take the gloves off for the next debate.

Chris Matthews: “Help me! I’ve lost all feeling in my leg!”

Seriously, Sesame Street is branded on half of my baby stuff; why does a company that profitable need government funds?

The key to the Ryan/Biden debate will be to keep Biden talking after he’s run out of scripted things to say.

Is there any realistic way Ryan can lower expectations for his debate with Biden?

At this rate, if Ryan doesn’t cause Biden to curl up in a fetal position on the floor, people will say he lost.

Wednesday night, the bad economy finally got to a point where Obama felt the pain.

Obama: “That wasn’t the real Mitt last night. From what I remember, it was more like a Mack truck that careened into me.”

Obama: “That wasn’t the real Mitt Romney. It was more like the Hulk. And I was Loki. Let’s move on. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Uh-oh. Speech is over and Obama is hugging his teleprompter and won’t let go.

If Jim Lehrer was a good moderator, he would have called the debate and ended it early.

Obama is in the doghouse with his followers. Or, as Obama calls it, the kitchen. Because he eats dogs.

My inside sources tell me Romney is working on a bunch of zingers for the next debate. This time for real!

Obama should be able to come back if he can fix four years of failure before the next debate.

They say Obama spoke more than 4 minutes longer than Romney in the debate, but if you take out the uhs, he got 20 minutes less time.

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What’s the Word for That?

A new study shows that 66% of people suffer from nomophobia – a chronic fear of being without a cell phone.

What’s the term for “fear of being hit by some moron who won’t hang up and drive”?

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