Oslo, Norway (NPN) – The esteemed Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded for the year of 2012 to none other than the greatest proponent of peace on Earth, the entire European Union. Members of the EU assembly, a collective of self-serving and officious bureaucrats, rejoiced and celebrated with lots of self-aggrandizement and partying, which they generally only reserve for days that end with “day”.
Rumor is, the medal will be replaced with a doughnut.
According to EU assembly member Hans von Hans, this award has been a long time coming.
“Really, what better way to acknowledge the hard work and struggles of the bureaucratic class in their effort to tell people how to live their lives?” said the humble Hans. “There is no better way to promote peace than taking rich people’s money and spreading it around to everyone else so they can go on holiday most of the year.”
The Nobel committee revealed that it would be reevaluating its standards on other Nobel prizes, including those for physics, mathematics, chemistry, and medicine. They also announced a new prize: the Nobel for Participation. This prize is to be awarded to all humans on Earth who participate in being a human on Earth.
“This is long overdue, really.” said Pierre Manuel von van de la Klementine of the Nobel committee. “So many humans struggle to do great things and fail. This prize is really to acknowledge their accomplishments and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings that they didn’t get a Nobel Prize. Now everyone will get one!”
In an effort to make the Prize more fair, the Nobel committee has decided to award anyone who practices medicine, be it as a doctor or a person who put a Band-Aid on a cut, a Nobel Prize in medicine. And anyone who has demonstrated the principles of physics in a meaningful way will be awarded a Nobel Prize in Physics, whether they have split an atom or cut some cheese. Chemistry will still be a difficult award to get.
“We had to draw the line somewhere.” said Klemintine. “Unless you have, at a minimum, mixed two liquids together, or at least put an ice cube into a liquid, you cannot be awarded the Nobel for Chemistry.”
The metric for earning a Nobel Prize in mathematics is still undecided.
“Most people don’t know how to do any kind of math, so we are still trying to find a way to make this award accessible to people.” said Klementine. “So far, the greatest consensus is to award it to anyone who can pick up two objects at one time.”
Other award categories seem to be in the works, such as the Nobel Prize for Television Watching, the Nobel Prize for Putting Your Pants On, and the Nobel Prize for Breathing.
It is rumored that the Nobel Prize for literature may be phased out, with the Nobel committee stating that writing is just too hard for some people, and making this a part of the Prize is just unfair to so many.
NPN ace reporter mikel (High Praise!) contributed to this story.