Let Obama Help You Reach Your Goals

In Pennsylvania, a man tried to rob a bank of $1 because he hoped to be sent to a nearby federal prison.

Should’ve just made a bad YouTube video about Mohammed.

Send to Kindle

This Is Why Obama Likes Small Business

[High Praise! to LMAObama]

Send to Kindle

Video: The Adventures of Kim Jong Un, Part 3


[CollegeHumor direct link]

In related news, North Korea now says its missiles can hit the US mainland.

Expect Obama to spin that as a “successful North Korean outreach program”.

Send to Kindle

You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “President Obama’s “secret weapon” in the debate…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

Send to Kindle

I Completely Support This Shovel-Ready Program

[High Praise! to The Last Refuge]

Send to Kindle

Link of the Day: Democrats Battle the Disease of Press Freedom

[High Praise! to Iowahawk]

White House Scientists Struggle to Contain Outbreak of Scrutonium

Excerpt:

Amid their battle to contain the Benghazi strain, a second – and even more deadly – outbreak appeared in Denver on October 3. Nicknamed “the Doomsday Strain”, the Denver scrutonium virus has thusfar been impervious to any attempt at containment.

“We’re dealing with the ultimate buzzkiller here,” said Senior Narrative Engineer Stephanie Cutter. “This one directly attacks voters’ ability to hallucinate happy thoughts, or even ignore the obvious – no matter how many squirrels we inoculate them with.”

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Send to Kindle

Wisdom of the Day: 2nd Presidential Debate Reax Edition

Send to Kindle

A Moment With Joe Biden: Death Panels

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …Ya know, there’s so much talk from these Republicans… it started with Sarah Palin, then this Paul Ryan and some of the others. I keep hearing them talk about these so-called “death panels.” And, I don’t know where they get these things. It’s ridiculous. And, you keep hearing about them and, just like everything else the Republicans have it all backwards…there are no death panels! Listen to what I say here: There are no death panels! No one is going to be deciding who dies. In fact, it’s just the opposite. These panels that Barack is putting together are LIFE panels. They’re not going to decide who dies, they’re going to decide who lives! They’re going to help keep people alive, for God’s sake. So the next time you hear someone talk about this death panel nonsense, you tell them, those aren’t death panels man, they’re life panels…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

Send to Kindle

Free Gun with Engagement Ring

I’ve seen a number of free gun offers, but this is an interesting one: Free gun with purchase of engagement ring. So you get the ring and the way to make sure you get your “Yes” answer. It would have worked great with my proposal to SarahK.

::Pulls out engagement ring:: “Will you marry me?”

“Eh… maybe. I dunno.”

::Pulls out gun:: “Will this change your mind?”

“Ooh! What a pretty shiny gun! I want it! Yes, I’ll marry you. I love you, gun!”

Actually, in America, shouldn’t we be giving out engagement guns?

Send to Kindle

If Liberals Owned Guns…

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

…you’d see this sign at every protest:

Send to Kindle

Doesn’t Like People, Just Bossing Them Around

Thought this statement about Obama from a former Clinton aide was pretty revealing: “It’s stunning that he’s in politics, because he really doesn’t like people.” Isn’t that a lot of the left these days? They don’t really like or respect people, but they see them as things to manage. We got that already form Obama’s “bitter clingers” remark and his “you didn’t build that!” to business creators. People like Obama are useless idiots who have no respect for you but want to control you as much as possible. That’s why we have to fight to keep most of the power in this country in the hands of people who actually respect us, i.e., ourselves. Isn’t that a basic principle being taught in children’s “Being an American” class? That’s a thing, right? If not, it needs to be.

Oh, wait, Obama would have missed that class because he was in Indonesia.

Send to Kindle

Straight Line of the Day: Most Notably Absent From the Second Debate…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Most notably absent from the second debate…

Send to Kindle

Second Look at Not Having Moderators

That was horrible. I mean, there was some actual good points in there and once again Obama got creamed on economic issues, but all that got upstaged by the stupid moderator. First she kept moving things to topics no one cares about, such as when Romney brought up Fast & Furious she tried to bring it back to an “assault weapons” ban which everyone knows we’re never going to see traction on. But of course the big thing was her moderator save of Obama where she decided to live fact check Romney with the accuracy we’ve come to expect from “fact checkers.” She got big applause from the left-wingers in the audience, and now we have this revision of history Obama was clear on it being a planned act of terror the day and we just imagined him going “Duh… it was the YouTubes!” for weeks afterwards. I didn’t think he told Joy Behar on The View it was a terrorist act, but Candy Crowley says so so I guess it’s fact now.

Anyway, that was inexcusable. She should be fired. But it won’t be bad — Obama will slip her extra foodstamps.

Anyway, Romney was quite flustered by that — and I can’t blame him as it’s hard to suddenly be debating two people spewing nonsense. So what happens in the next debate? I already didn’t trust Bob Schieffer to be anything resembling fair; is he going to back up Obama to help him get a win? Because we know Obama can’t win the debate on his own. And all the moderators seem to do anyway is get in the way of good discussion; I’m not quite sure why we have them.

Here’s a better idea than having moderators: Let’s just put the two candidates alone in a room. Topics will appear on a screen behind, which they can respond to or ignore. A light behind them will indicate whose turn it is to speak, the other one’s mic being cutoff. It will switch between the two at somewhat random intervals by an algorithm designed to make sure they get equal time.

BOOM! I solved presidential debates. I solve everything.

Send to Kindle

Random Thoughts: 2nd Presidential Debate 2012

Has anyone ever explored the possibility that Kos is some sort of false flag long con by Republicans?

So is Obama currently in “wear a flag pin” or “I’m too cool for a flag pin” mode?

“Looks like a group of crows.”
“No. It looks like…” ::puts on sunglasses:: “…a murder!”

So is anything being done is this debate to block the Koch brothers mind control rays that caused Obama to lose the first one?

Obama giving his all tonight. If he’s going to be an empty chair, he’s going to be one of those $3000 massage chairs from Brookstone.

What are you headlining your “Obama Makes a Comeback!” story?

Obama is going to be so energized tonight he’s going to be an electric chair.

No matter the question, bring it to Big Bird. #ObamaDebateAdvice

If you think you made a good point, emphasize it by dancing Gangnam style. #ObamaDebateAdvice

Make Romney look stupid by pretending to never have heard of any country called “Libya.” #ObamaDebateAdvice

Keep mentioning that Romney is rich and you’re not quite as rich. #ObamaDebateAdvice

How does one get paid to be a shill and how much money is it and how shilly do I have to be?

Good line for Obama: “Libya? I barely even know ya!” #ObamaDebateAdvice

I used to live in a swing state. It was nice to feel important.

To psyche out Obama, Romney is going to have Paul Ryan and his close friend Math sitting in the front row glaring at the president.

Remember in school when we had to constantly write papers with bibliographies in them? What the hell was that about?

For those wasting their time in school, you don’t need to know proper grammar to be a professional writer. That’s what editors are for.

Still find it hilarious how often the response to “Obama’s been a bad president” is “GOP blocked him.” HE HAD A MAJORITY FOR TWO YEARS!

And do they think the Republicans are going to disappear in the next term?

If Romney also wins the debate tonight I’m going to call him a “master debater” because it sounds like “masturbater.” Ha!

I wonder if Obama knows of any substance he could take that would make him more energetic.

My goal for the night is to avoid making any jokes about how the moderator isn’t quite a waif. I’ll still make fun of her name.

Obama: “I thought it was Bush who foiled me these past four years… but the one behind it all was Romney!”

I kill five birds every time I start up my car. Who cares. There has to be like hundreds of them.

Verge of collapse = cheap gas?

We’re going to power our cars with wind? Like in the next year? Or are we stuck with these horrible gas prices?

The secret to low gas prices is to get the economy to the verge of collapse and keep it there.

Not sure what I think of Romney getting too aggressive with the (current) POTUS.

Going after the rich again. Hit him with math, Romney! Hit him with math!

ROMNEY PUT WOMEN IN BINDERS?!!!

Obama never mentioned he came in during tough times before.

Let’s just get rid of moderators.

I think the reason less people are coming here for work isn’t just increased border security. Maybe same reason others can’t find work.

Don’t remind people that John McCain beat you.

Obama couldn’t secure Benghazi because that would mean less security in Iceland.

Why were we all talking about a YouTube video if Obama was clear it was an act of terror the next day?

Obama waited to bring up 47% until Romney couldn’t respond. How brave.

So Obama said “terror” somewhere in the vicinity of Libya the day after, but for weeks afterwards he was like, “Duh, YouTubes!”

Anyway, don’t know who independents will say won that, but I don’t see this stopping Romney’s momentum.

Is it too late to get a movie out before the election about a serial killer who puts women in binders?

Andrew Sullivan is so thrilled he’s reopening his investigation of Sarah Palin’s womb as soon as he finds his deerstalker.

Obama wasn’t doing that great until he touched rings with Candy and said, “Wonder Twins power activate!”

What Romney should have said about Obama on Libya: “That isn’t what you told Whoopi Goldberg on The View.”

Is Obama suggesting he’ll revive the “assault weapons” ban news? Didn’t do wonders for Clinton, and we’re even more pro-gun now.

I’m hearing reports they found an Earth-sized planet orbiting the nearest star; isn’t that called Earth (or Venus)?

Send to Kindle

Remember That One Movie With Joe Biden in it?

[High Praise! to Irritable Pundit]

Send to Kindle