This Also Applies to Obama’s Foreign Policy

[High Praise! to After Math]

[Original image here]

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FINALLY! A Bumper Sticker for REAL Americans

[High Praise! to Moe Lane]

As Moe mentioned, you can buy one here.

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Best Explanation Yet for Biden’s Debate Behavior

[High Praise! to The Looking Spoon]

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Political Correctness – Clarified

[High Praise! to The Last Refuge]

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “The Democrats’ latest get-out-the-vote effort…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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Link of the Day: The 15 Best Liberal Pick-up Lines

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

Who Benefited Most From the Debate Last Night?

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Modern Military

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …I was watching the debate last night, and… hey, didn’t President Obama do great? He sure did, didn’t he? I sure loved the part where he schooled Mitt Romney on how our military operates these days. See, Mitt Romney doesn’t realize that it’s not the ’40s anymore. This isn’t the military of World War II. We have technology that the Governor just doesn’t understand. Back in 1982, I sat in a briefing with one of our great generals, General Khan Noonien Singh. There were just four of us in that room when General Singh showed us a new weapon under development called the Genesis Device. And, after his presentation the General said, “Joe, buddy I need your help. This weapon will help modernize our military, and you’re the guy that can make sure we move ahead with this. People respect you.” And I said, “General, I’ll make damn sure that we have this weapon in our arsenal to help keep our country safe!” And I did. I went to President Reagan and demanded that this weapon go into development. And the military got to work at our Ceti Alpha Five facility, and within a year a prototype of that device was onboard the USS Reliant. So, see these are the types of things Mitt Romney doesn’t understand…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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Wisdom of the Day: Final Debate Reaction Edition

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This Might Explain Joe Biden

[High Praise! to Stupid Is a Five Letter Word]

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” — Albert Einstein

I beg to differ. That is the definition of stubbornness.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results because the voices in your head tell you to.

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I Finally Figured Out Who Creepy-Debate-Stare Obama Reminded Me Of…

Homicidally insane robot Roberto from Futurama

He’s not crazy, he’s just not user-friendly.

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Straight Line of the Day: The Best Quote From the Post-Debate Focus Group…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

The Best Quote from the post-debate focus group…

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The Bayonets Debate

Oy! Foreign policy debate! So boring! They just talked about all these places I’ve never even heard of. Like Mali? What even is that? Is that a country? Is it near Bali? Is Bali a country or did I just make that up?

So the last debate was especially designed to go over the heads of the low information voters that are still undecided, so I don’t see how either of them could get much traction in it. Still, Obama got in one good zinger. When Romney was going on about how we have less ships in the navy than under past presidents by saying we have fewer bayonets and horses too. Pretty good — except that we probably don’t have less bayonets since every Marine is issued one and still actively uses them. But to know things like that, Obama would have to have talked to or at least seen an active member of the military which is very much beneath him. So he’s little out of touch with what they’re doing. He thought the Navy SEALs that killed bin Laden were an actual group of trained seals.

But anyway, the important thing is that Obama finally took on that stupid navy we don’t need. Come on; it’s the Aquaman of the military. What threats do we have at sea? No one lives there. And I’ve never heard of water terrorists. And if we got rid of the Navy, with all the money we’d save, think of all the birth control we could buy Sandra Fluke.

And once again during the debate, Obama unveiled his solution for everything foreign and domestic: More teachers! Like they’re this fungible commodity, and if you just increase their number regardless of quality, everything gets better. Me, I hate teachers and want less of them. BTW, in my book where I solve everything, I show that the path to better education is in fact less schools and less teachers.

Anyway, expect Obama to have be declared the winner of this and Romney’s poll numbers to continue to move up as a result. Obama tried to paint him as a warmonger, but Romney was more of a boremonger — boring us with all the details he knows while not sounding very militaristic. In the end, he looked calm and presidential and Obama once again looked peevish and like someone trying to fight from behind.

Aw, man. I’m right-wing humorist. I can’t go back to having a Republican president. What will I make fun of?

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Best of the Statlers

I don’t know how many of you know who the Statler Brothers are, but, they were mentioned a couple of times in comments to a post I had here yesterday.

For those that don’t know, they are one of the biggest country music acts of all time. Or were. “America’s Poets” called it quits in 2002. But, along the way, they had some songs that even people who don’t like country music (like me) might know.

In the comments to a post I wrote yesterday, Burmashave and Keln both thought about the Statler’s song, Flowers On The Wall — the group’s first hit.

That got me to thinking, though. Having worked in radio back in the 1970s, including at a country music station, I am very familiar with the Statlers. So, if there’s anything the Statlers did that could make me think of Obama, it’s not one of their songs. Not really. It’s a group of them.

You see, the Statlers had an alter-ego band: Lester “Roadhog” Moran And His Cadillac Cowboys. It was part of a comedy act they came up with for a bit on an album they did. Lester and the Boys, bless their hearts, were a no-talent band that had no idea just how bad they were. They had no business trying to make music.

And that’s what I think of when I think of Obama. He’s got no talent, no ability, and he thinks he’s doing a great job.

The Statler Brothers and their studio musicians, according to an interview I heard them do, had to try extremely hard to play that bad.

Obama? He doesn’t have to work hard to do a bad job. Just comes natural for him.

UPDATE (from Harvey):

Here’s Les & the Boys. Freakin’ hilarious(ly awful):


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #1,637)

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Random Thoughts: Thoughts on the Final Debate… And Before

The Mayor Bloomberg thing really cries out for the need of a remedial class for all politicians to take on the role of government in America.

It’s perfectly cromulent for citizens to dictate what an elected official is allowed to eat, but not the other way around.

I remember in 2000 there was a lot of talk of Bush winning the popular vote but losing the election, but that didn’t happen.

What’s with all the talk about Romnesia? Has Obama mined all he could out of “binders”?

In terms of poll movement, is there any evidence Obama won the Tuesday debate?

Does polling take into account that lots of people only have cell phones now and that Obama is awesome?

“Dang, what was the name of that military base I was going to close four years ago.” #Obamnesia

“Wait… did I remember to pass a budget this year? What about last year?!!” #Obamnesia

“Dang… what’s that thing I keep telling people I’m going to pivot towards…” #Obamnesia

“I don’t what happened yesterday, but somehow I woke up with Biden as my running mate.” #Obamnesia

“7.8% unemployment… that’s exactly where I said we’d be in four years, right?” #Obamnesia

“Wait… I was president these past four years? I thought it was Bush!” #Obamnesia

The only way Nate Silver’s model will be proven wrong is if Gary Johnson wins.

If Tagg Romney’s son does punch Obama, I already have the headline: TAGGED! Send me a million dollars if you use it.

BTW, don’t punch the president.

Good idea for Sesame Street: Give Elmo an arch-nemesis that’s always trapping him in death traps that can only be conquered with counting.

Has anyone considered that some of our problems in this country are related to the fact that there isn’t enough face punching?

Face punching is rather rare these days, and as a result, we all have weak, squishy faces.

“I said I’d cut the deficit in half? That doesn’t sound like me.” #Obamanesia

Couldn’t get Idris Elba for that Alex Cross movie so they went right to Tyler Perry? Seems like there should be a few steps in between there.

What’s the white equivalent of that? “We could get Jeremy Renner for the lead, so we went to Carrot Top.”

Still, Tyler Perry is pretty used to being made fun of by now. I bet he weeps himself to sleep on his giant piles of money.

Don’t know why newspaper waste time writing some long presidential endorsement when they could just write, “We don’t like Republicans.”

According to recent polls, everyone loves polls and thinks we should be spending more money on them.

Rush and Beck should do a “Bands with Names of Right Wing Talk Radio” tour.

Vegetable sprayer? They should call it the “in case your sink is too full of dirty dishes to fit the coffee pot under the faucet” sprayer.

Has Futurama had an “Intergalactic House of Pancakes” background joke yet? Because if not, come on.

Maybe on an election year Halloween should be called “October Surprise.”

“October surprise or treat!”

Still don’t get that one poll that had Obama at +6 but down at 48%.

No reason to worry about Ohio. I hear we’re just going to steal it like we did in 2004.

With the Lance Armstrong controversy, let’s just end bicycle racing. Come on; we have cars now and they’re much faster.

Bicycles don’t even make sense. They only have two wheels. How do they even stay upright? It’s physically impossible.

Good line for Romney in foreign policy debate: “When I am done, all other countries will fear us like an angry god!”

Romney is coming to this debate with a binder full of zingers.

Foreign Policy: If I can’t pronounce it, I bomb it.

Can’t we just wait until November 7th to either laugh at Nate Silver or cower before his mathematical black magic?

I hope in the debate tonight they ask Obama and Romney who are on their kill lists.

What did people do in the weeks leading into a presidential election before polls existed? Churn butter?

What’s BuzzFeed? Sounds a brand name of food for bees.

Young people voting is a stupid idea and I don’t know why we would encourage it.

Have we tried talking Iran into some nuke alternatives, like chemical weapons?

I always imagine Nate Silver in some sort of numbers themed outfit looking like he’s ready to take on Batman.

If Obama wins reelection, I’m going to vacation in Canada.

I don’t have cable so the pre-debate show is Wheel of Fortune.

This is going to be all about foreign policy? BORING!

For the drinking games, how many shots if Tagg runs onstage and punches Obama?

Obama wants praise for increasing security after the fact?

Gah! So bored! They’re talking about all these countries I’ve never heard of! Where even is Syria?

Who wins if no watches this?

Obama: “I’m going to put more teachers in the military.”

Obama: “Who is this navy going to fight? Aquaman?”

I think this debate is going to end with Obama pointing at Romney and screaming, “Scary warmongering Republican!”

“If you could get rid of any five countries, which would they be?”

“Let’s say you got a text from Israel. ‘bomin iran. lol.’ What would you do?”

What’s pockiston?

This debate makes me wish I were smarter and had a longer attention span. Nah, not worth it.

I don’t know how Obama can be for drones but against ATMs.

“How will your China policies affect the price of iPhones?”

Global warming hasn’t been brought up in any of the debates because we have too many actual problems to talk about.

In the future, we’ll pay a billion per student on education and they’ll all be too dumb to even fill out a form to get food stamps.

I hate teachers. I hope we eliminate that job in the future.

20 million out of work, but Romney’s only making 12 million new jobs? Take that, you 8 million losers!

That debate felt longer than all the Republican primary debates put together.

Didn’t see anything in that debate that would halt Romney’s momentum.

The navy is the Aquaman of the military! Who needs it!

Obama tried to paint Romney as a warmonger but Romney came off more of a boremonger.

Obama: “No one cares about the Navy anymore. You saw what a box office stinker Battleship was.”

You can’t fix things by just throwing more teachers at it. Teachers aren’t a fungible commodity.

According to Google, Mali is a country somewhere not America.

So anyone fact check whether we have more or less bayonets and horses than a hundred years ago yet?

What if it comes out that Osama bin Laden was stabbed to death with a bayonet?

Obama: “Why we need navy? No one live on water!”

The main thing I noticed was that Obama was debating like someone behind in the polls who needed to get some momentum.

Bayonets are carbon neutral.

Kinda get the feeling Obama is still a bit ignorant about our current military beyond predator drones.

At least we’re all on the same page about hating the stupid, useless navy we don’t even need anymore. Whoever heard of aqua-terrorists?

Think of how much more birth control we could buy Sandra Fluke if we got rid of the navy.

SO NOW WHAT DO WE DO UNTIL ELECTION DAY?!!

“Big Bird called; he wants his bayonets back.” -line where Obama definitively won the debate

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I Predict Riots Over This

France is considering legislation to replace the terms “mother” and “father” with “parent 1” and “parent 2” in all legal documents.

Not a good idea – might offend polygamists.

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