This Is Guaranteed to Lock Up the Farm Vote for Obama

[High Praise! to LMAObama]

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Pity John Kerry

John Kerry said of playing Mitt Romney in Obama’s debate practices, “I’ve decided next Tuesday I’ve got to have an exorcism of Romney out of my being.”

Won’t help, John. Once he’s in there, Mitt will be seared… SEARED into your memory.

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You’ve Been Judged!

Keln of Nuking Politics picked his favorite punchlines to “The best quote from the post-debate focus group…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email him about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, he’s got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

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One Picture: How to Moderate a Presidential Debate

[High Praise! to Liberal Logic 101]

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Move Over Obamaphone! Here’s Your Obamamobile!

[High Praise! to Legal Insurrection]

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Link of the Day: Obama Declares War on Men

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

Why Do Obama and Biden Hate Men?

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

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A Moment With Joe Biden: Bring Hope and Change Back

[by Son of Bob]

And now, a moment with Joe Biden…

BIDEN: …so, it’s great to be here in Dayton. Look, we’ve only got a few days left until the election folks, and I’m here to try to make you forget about Barack’s bayonet comment. What? Oh, my God, I wasn’t supposed to say that. Okay, forget about that. Just forget about that. Folks, it doesn’t matter. What matters is, this is an election about the future of this country. Do you really want four more years of failed policies? Do you want four more years of Mitt Romney, or is it time for a fresh, new president by the name of Barack Obama? Isn’t it time we get someone new in there to bring hope and change back to this country? And, that’s exactly what Barack Obama and I are going to do if you give us the chance. Because, this time we’re not gonna let the Republicans steal the election like they did in 2008! We’re not, folks! And, what did we get? The last four years have been devastating! Absolutely devastating, folks! This horrible healthcare law… unemployment through the roof. This time we’re not gonna allow them to throw out the hanging chads, like they did in ’08 when Mitt Romney stole that election. This time we’re… what? Well, OK but I thought I had ten more minutes. OK folks, suddenly they’re telling me I have to wrap it up…

This has been a moment with Joe Biden.

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Wisdom of the Day: Ting Tang Comic Gardening Third Party

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Romney Is a Mormony Mormon!

Smell the desperation. As the elections slips through their fingers, the panicked attacks begin. Here’s Andrew Sullivan pointing out, “Hey, did you know Romney is Mormon?” — which he apparently just discovered now for some reason. Sullivan has also donned his deerstalker to investigate Mitt Romney’s womb, but given his previous understanding of human anatomy, there’s only a 50/50 chance he’ll figure out that doesn’t make any sense.

Anyway, Andrew Sullivan is especially unhinged and excitable, but we can expect more of this as it becomes apparent to the left they’re going to lose this election. If you want to simulate what liberals are like when they think they’re going to lose power, take a bunch of hungry rats, cram them in a cage, and then shake it violently. Actually, just do that now; it’s fun.

So, if they go down the religion path, does that mean we get to revisit what a moral coward Obama is for going to a racist nut preacher for 20 years to try to gain political advantage in his community? Or do we just stick to what a horrible president he’s been the past four years?

Eh, guess I can do both. I have a blog and time to write!

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Straight Line of the Day: Mitt Romney’s Favorite Part of the Last Debate…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Mitt Romney’s favorite part of the last debate…

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Transcript of White House Meeting on 9/11/2012

Transcript from conversation in the Oval Office on September 11th, 2012:

AIDE: There has been an attack on a consulate in Benghazi.

OBAMA: Where’s that?

AIDE: In Libya.

OBAMA: Where’s that?

AIDE: The Middle East.

OBAMA: Where’s that?

AIDE: To the east… but the center of stuff to the east.

OBAMA: I understand. So what happened?

AIDE: Well four Americans were killed, including an Ambassador.

OBAMA: Eh. Doesn’t that happen all the time?

AIDE: Actually, no, sir, this is not a common occurrence. This is a very important and horrible incident.

OBAMA: It doesn’t seem important. I mean, I got fundraisers and stuff to prepare for. I don’t see why you’re bothering me with this. Hey, Biden, do you think this is important?

BIDEN: Me want cookie!

OBAMA: Biden doesn’t think it’s important. Probably just Muslims getting angry at some silly thing. They get angry at stuff all the time. Like cartoons, TV shows, and drone strikes. Silly Muslims.

AIDE: Actually, sir, we already have information telling us– Uh… why is Biden laughing.

OBAMA: He just does that. Ignore him.

AIDE: As I was saying, we have information that this was a planned terrorist attack by an al Qaeda-affiliated group.

OBAMA: Al Qaeda? That’s ridiculous. I killed bin Laden. You saw me kill him.

AIDE: Actually, it was a SEAL te–

OBAMA: I killed bin Laden. He dead. No more al Qaeda. Isn’t that right, Biden?

BIDEN: Where my shoe?

OBAMA: Biden agrees with me. There is no al Qaeda because I killed bin Laden and am a good and smart president. Obviously this attack was just Muslims getting angry at some YouTube video or something. We’ll announce that and vow to bring the maker of the YouTube video to justice. Don’t you agree, Biden?

BIDEN: Shoe on head!

OBAMA: Biden is a foreign policy expert and he agrees. This is smart. I am smart president. Tell me I’m smart!

AIDE: You’re very smart.

OBAMA: That’s right.

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Random Thoughts: Numbers and Polls

Obama: “Corpse man no have bayonets!”

So what spending cuts are Obama proposing? Only thing I’ve seen so far are a couple million for vouchers for DC schoolchildren.

We need more polls. We shouldn’t have to go an hour without new polls.

The polls don’t have to be accurate. Someone can just make up numbers. I’m pretty sure half of them do that already.

So why is Obama crashing so hard inTrade today? Or am I trying to bring sense to nonsense?

Waited a little long, but I just purchased my tickets for the RiffTrax Live Birdemic on Thursday. If you haven’t seen Birdemic, it’s one of the funniest movies ever… completely unintentionally. Gives The Room a run for its money.

Now my iPad 3 isn’t only cracked; it’s outdated. This is worst possible thing that could ever happen to anyone.

At least we all agree it’s called the “iPad 3” and not the “new iPad” as Apple tried to brand it for the short time it was new.

Wait? I own the URL BombFrance.com ? Guess I should hold it in case it becomes relevant.

According to poll calculations at my EightThirtyFive site, I’m changing Romney’s odds at winning from “certain” to “SUPER DOUBLE CERTAIN!”

If Obama was a coke dealer, I doubt he paid taxes on his profit. Hypocrite.

Do they at least have to be exact with the names on the kill list? There’s not “Bob Something” on there, right?

The left would calm down about Obama’s kill list if he assured them that most of them were unborn babies.

If you still think Obama is inevitable, today is the day to make a bundle on Intrade.

The choice for Iron Man 3 was to go darker or put nipples on his breastplate. They chose wisely.

So what’s the left saying now? Children born of rape are hated by God and should be executed?

When did the left start caring what God thinks?

So why would Obama lie to us about a video if he knew it was al Qaeda? I know there is evidence to that effect, but it seems really stupid.

Good news, everyone! Ohio is now close enough for us in the GOP to convincingly steal it. Muh ha ha ha!

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The Important Thing Is, the Germs Are Dead

In Connecticut, a woman was arrested for DUI after drinking half a bottle of hand sanitizer.

By the way, anyone else notice how clean Biden’s hands were before his debate?

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