Hurricane Survival Tips

Posted on October 29, 2012 11:00 am

There’s a big hurricane heading towards the east coast. I don’t live there anymore, so I don’t care that much. Still I’ve lived through a few hurricanes myself and know quite a bit about them. A long while ago I wrote some Fun Facts on hurricanes, and here some more tips for surviving a hurricane:


* You can’t let a hurricane know you’re scared of it as they can smell fear and will attack it. The safest place to be when a hurricane comes is out front of your house on the lawn shaking your fist at it.

* Make sure to have a hurricane survival kit well stocked with water, beef jerky, Pixy Stix, a chinchilla, various lengths of lead pipe, The Rock on DVD, a hairnet, bear mace, a jaunty hat, and a box labeled “Hurricane Survival Kit” that’s actually filled with snakes.

* The calmest part of a storm is its eye, so if the hurricane gets really stressful, go there to relax.

* If you see Joe Biden running out and trying to lick the hurricane, don’t tackle him and drag him back to shelter; leave that to the professionals in the Secret Service.

* If you’re going to fight the hurricane, attacks its clouds; that’s the weak spot.

* While watching out for the hurricane, don’t get caught unaware by the burrowcane which digs underground and attacks from below.

* Hurricanes are really just a bunch of wind and water, so don’t act too scared of it or everyone will think you’re a sissy.

* Don’t vote for Obama.

So those are all my tips. Follow them, and you should survive the hurricane. The surest sign the hurricane is over is when you hear an ice cream truck drive by. Then run out and get yourself some ice cream as a reward for surviving the hurricane!

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17 Responses to “Hurricane Survival Tips”

  1. Hurricane Survival Tips « YouViewed/Editorial links:

    […] From IMAO , to be taken lightly […]

  2. Sue says:

    Thanks Frank! All levity is much appreciated. Sandy is not kidding around. I live a mile inland in a Jersey shore town. We’re not evacuated, but half the town is.. I LOVE your posts. Keep them coming. My six kids are definitely going to be driving me nuts. So lots of laughs are needed..

  3. tomg51 says:

    I was expected the tips to be:
    “keep over warm water, avoid dry air influx, establish upper level high, start a good outflow pattern, avoid shear…”

  4. tomg51 says:

    As a mom, I’m sure you have everything covered for looking out for your family. But a hurricane may bring something new to your area, tornadoes. Train your kids. Have mock diving for the closest safe place games. Bathtubs, center of the house boxed areas like closets of stairways, lying flat between the sofa and the coffee table, next to a bed and so on. And don’t sleep upstairs.
    Have a key word, something they’ll remember, such as “TORNADO!!!!”
    Stay safe.

  5. Ira says:

    also, never touch a downed power line. Very bad manners, wait until the downed power line touches you first.
    Also, I understand that the name “Sandy” left Joe Biden wondering whether to call the storm “Him” or “Her”.
    Also, can someone tell why people stock up on bread before a hurricane? Water and canned stuff I can understand, but bread? Is the idea that you can eat some now and use the rest later as a sponge?

  6. Mxymaster says:

    Oh, it’s all overblown. I’m here in the Hudson Valley and my power is still on, and we’re just getting a little wind and rain. Big fat hairy de

  7. FormerHostage says:

    You forgot to pack a towel in your kit.

  8. Jimmy says:

    * If you’re an Obama supporter and are going to die during the hurricane, do it secretly so you can’t vote later.

    * Before voting, wander aimlessly through your deserted town, yelling, “Al Gore was right!!” Then grab a power line and fall into a sink hole. You won’t be voting.

    * Go to an all-you-can-eat buffet before the hurricane and gain weight. You’ll float higher as the water flows back out to sea.

    Wait. These aren’t ‘survival tips.’

  9. plentyobailouts says:

    Stand on the porch and WHEEE with a pinwheel!

    Stock your cooler with light beer, it floats better.

    Tie your Wallaby down lads, tie your Wallaby down!

    Just have Clint stand there and tell it to get off your lawn!

  10. Writer says:

    Don’t live in a Blue city. Hurricanes like Blue Cities. Just ask New Orleans. If you do, get extra ammunition on hand.

  11. Eric says:

    Don’t be a pussy from the North East or from New Orleans. A stiff breeze when it sprinkles freaks those wusses out.

  12. Jimmy says:

    *** Breaking!!! ***

    New Jersey (AP) – Developing – After warning New Jerseyans to evacuate and stay safe in the path of Hurricane Sandy, Chris Christie was seen floating down a Trenton street yelling, “HELP! Get a boat! Get a boat! No, not THAT one! Bigger! BIGGER!”

    Since onlookers could see the Governor’s feet, belly and head floating high above the the dangerous rushing floodwater, they weren’t too concerned as Christie disappeared into the Delaware River. “See, he floats above it all,” said one witness. Developing…”

  13. Rayfan87 says:

    I’m in western NY, they’ve already closed all schools in the county tomorrow. I’m surprised Frank forgot about stocking up on ammo. None of that pansy Katrina style disarmament for me.

  14. bruceb says:

    My hurricane survival tip is Chinese food. After Hurricane Andrew they were open for lunch. You might have to bring your own cat but monkey will do. Trust me there will be monkeys.

  15. Zach says:

    * If you’ve got a blog that a lot of people read, give them a scavenger list of useful supplies to stock up on. Then the stores will still have plenty of bacon and ammo when you get there.

    * Hurricane damage is worst at high tide. Minimize the effect of tides by nuking the moon.

    * Watch out for flying houses. Either a hurricane or a tornado once dropped a house on Nancy Pilosi’s sister.

  16. 4of7 says:

    Frank, when providing links to old posts, please check for troll nests first.
    Everything was cool until comment #21, then it was like looking in the back of a closet and finding out your cat wasn’t as fastidious about using the litter box as it should be.
    Just sayin’…

    Oh yeah, hurricane survival tips – Don’t steal TV sets; until they get the power restored, they’ll be useless to you.
    Steal beer instead.

  17. Fly says:

    Beware the ice cream truck music! Hurricanes are getting so sneaky. They lift up the ice cream trucks and carry them around to lure you out. I think that’s what got Mxymaster.

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