“What I faced in that debate was nothing like the real Mitt Romney,” Obama told 12,000 backers at a park in Denver. “It was more this giant horrible thing. Like a robot. A giant, metal robot. Something invincible that my tiny hands just impotently clawed at and were unable to make a mark. Or a Mack truck. I think I expected Romney to be in the podium next to me, but I turned and what I saw was this truck careening towards me. It hit me very hard… and now I’m having trouble remembering…”
Tears were visible in the president’s eyes as he continued. “And then there was this monster there. It roared at me and grabbed me and slammed me into the ground over and over and I screamed, ‘This isn’t Mitt Romney! I supposed to debate Mitt Romney!’ And I kept trying to read from the teleprompter in my mind like my debate trainers told me, but the monster wouldn’t stop beating me and the words were so fuzzy. And then this horrible, incomprehensible thing stood over me and… and… it’s hard to remember. Please don’t make me remember!”
The president started bawling. “It started questioning the job I did as president TO MY FACE! It was the most agonizing thing imaginable! Why didn’t somebody stop it?! Why?!”
The president then curled up into a fetal position and started rocking back and forth muttering. “Tell me I’m smart. Someone please tell me I’m smart.”
The president’s aides say that Obama is really prepared for the next debate and Romney better watch out, but the real Romney better show up for that debate instead of an invincible robot monster that crushes everything before it.