Frank J. 2016: War

Posted on November 9, 2012 1:00 pm

As I’ve started my presidential campaign, people have wondered what are my views on war. War is a horrible and terrible thing, but it should mainly be horrible and terrible for the other guy while we get a bunch of cool missile cam videos out of it.

Now, I’m not interested in starting a bunch of wars. Frankly, I’m not interested in foreign countries at all, and as president I’d do everything I could to not have to interact with them. If some country tries to get some monarch to meet with me, I will spit on him. Leave me alone you foreign weirdos.

Sometimes, though, a country is a jerk and need to get blown up. So my policy is we’ll go in, blow it up a bunch, and leave. No nation building. They want to start a democracy after we blow them up, good for them. But whatever; I don’t really care.

Some may say that if we just blow up a country and leave, it may rise up again and threaten us some more. I have a solution for that. We go back and blow it up again. And leave. We’ll repeat as many times as necessary; eventually the country will get the idea. The thing is, our military is very good at blowing stuff up. And we can easily do it over and over with little risk to us and not that much cost to the taxpayer. It’s the staying in a country that is risky and costly. So we’re going to stop doing that.

Frank J. 2016: Blow them up. Leave.

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25 Responses to “Frank J. 2016: War”

  1. jw says:

    can i be your secretary of defense?

  2. Jackie says:

    OUTSTANDING POLICY!!!!! You have my vote.

  3. Hunter says:

    Frank, I’m seriously considering offering you the VP position in my own presidential campaign. Sure, you’ve already solved every problem this country faces or might face one day, and I admit that’s handy information to have around, but I have already written my first Presidential address to Congress, which seems to have been fairly well received.

    Plus I’m considerably older than you, although are little girls are about the same age. They’ll make for great photo ops.

    Oh sure, run as your own man now, but when the day comes to actually staff the ticket, I want you as my Veep.

    If you’re not interested in the job, well then, I must admit that our debates are going to be legendary.

  4. Jonathan says:

    Can we use nukes? They are just sitting around gaining dust

  5. coldguy says:

    I’ve always held that a military’s purpose is to deter aggressors by excelling at killing people and blowing stuff up.

    War is a terrible thing. Diplomacy is better. Diplomacy encouraged by fear of consequences is best.

    HappyGlorious Veteran’s Day!

  6. Genghis Khen says:

    Frank won’t have a Secretary of Defense, he’ll have a Secretary of Offense.

  7. jw says:

    @4 my first move would be to restore the old name. secretary of war.

    can i frank, please?

  8. AwesometificAmerican says:

    But does he support the Moore-Simmons Act to raise taxes on Hollywood Millionaires and Billionaires who make more than $250,000 to a 75% rate to see if raising taxes work?

  9. CrustyB says:

    Not one more decent American should risk their life serving an unjust, dirty, socialist nation like the United States of America.

  10. Basil says:

    I was kinda hoping for Secretary if War. But Harvey would be a good alternate choice.

  11. Corey says:

    My foreign policy, “Rubble doesn’t make trouble”

  12. jw says:

    oops, should have been @6. i’m having a real bad day. back to the old name, secretary of war.

  13. slapout says:

    “They want to start a democracy after we blow them up, good for them.” Maybe we could leave them pamphlets lying around: “So you country was blown up”.

  14. hwuu says:

    Secretary is such an old fashioned word these days. How about Customer Service Rep of War.

    But I totally agree bomb them and leave. Maybe drop a few bibles to get them moving in the right direction, but re-bomb as needed.

  15. susan says:

    Can I be Queen? I have a very regal look about myself – My children are gorgeous twenty somethings that sometimes get themselves in to National Enquirer positions – they could keep your name freshly associated with illigal activity so for domestic policy all of Pennsylvannia will vote for you!

  16. Vaktatunnen says:

    Win the war. Win it fast. Make it impossible for your enemy to continue the fight. Then the killing and the suffering end. Only the wicked allow war to drag on. Ask LBJ how that works out, if you see him. He’s in hell now.

  17. Writer says:

    The best way not to deal with other countries is to simply place a 500% tariff on all imports. Works every time.

  18. CTCompromise says:

    Your Inaugural address should be:
    ” As of this moment, we will begin to make America Awesome Again.” {* Then you step back and watch as the Nuke hits the full moon above.*} “And there’s plenty more where that came from!! As of this moment, any country who makes it their mission to destroy us, the U.S. of America, will be given ONE evacuation notice; at which time any innocent civilians should leave immediately. To those who choose to remain and fight – know that our Armed Forces will now be allowed, by orders of this new Commander in Chief, to use against you whatever means you use against them…. or any American. As of this moment, we will no longer have sympathy for enemy combatants who are forced to strip naked in a country which beheaded one of our journalists on live T.V. As of this moment, it will no longer be considered inhumane to make someone “feel like they are going to die” after they have caused the death of Americans. Believe me when I promise that any action you take against America and/or any of it’s citizens, will prove to us that you consider that action fair to use against the enemy. And I promise you that, with the blessing of their new Commander in Chief, our military WILL. Now, if you will all forgive me, it’s past Buttercup’s bedtime. Goodnight.”

    FRANK J 111111111 16teeny 111111111

  19. Fly says:

    Frank will be his own Secretary if War, Secretary if Energy, etc. and he’ll hippie punch the Czars into the Constitutional nothingness they are. President will be such a cushy job once Frank’s done with it, he’ll have a lot more time for blogging.

    Frank’s laissez faire, Writer. You want to deal with other countries, go for it, just don’t expect Frank to do it for you.

  20. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    How does Frank plan on running for election during the on-going Second Civil War which began during the Spring of 2013?

    How will Frank seek to bind the hemorrhaging wounds of the nation?

    Answers please.

  21. CTCompromise says:

    @ 20 Bunkerhillbilly:

    1) With his chief weapon: Surprise! and Sarcasm…..His TWO chief weapons: Surprise and sarcasm, and an almost Fanatical devotion to the Constitution of the United States….His THREE chief weapons…

    2) “Laughter is the best medicine”…if that doesn’t work, start punching hippies and take names later. To paraphrase Patton: “Americans, all REAL Americans love to see a hippie get punched. Americans love a winner, and will not Tolerate a hippie.” Once we get rid of the hippies – the money a working class citizen now spends to cover “entitlements” to hippies like: welfare, food stamps, free cell phones, cars, motel rooms/apartments, methadone clinics, abortion clinics, drug related burglaries and shopliftings, police/probation officers, AND the tax refund they received without paying any taxes,etc.,etc. will go back into the economy. Not to mention, their middle aged parents would not have to subsidize them either – which would mean the parents have more money without requiring increases in social security, medicare, etc. every year so that they can make ends meet for them AND their “adult aged” children who are still dependent on them. (NO wonder the adult diapers are called “Depends”).
    A one way ticket to Denmark for every hippie would be a cure to a LOT of problems in this country…

  22. Slapout says:

    I hereby nominate Awesomeness itself as your Vice President.

  23. Denise says:

    What’s with all this Secretary business? Let’s tell it like it is: Call him/her War Monger!

  24. HCG says:

    You tell ’em Frank. Frank’s Common Sense Top Secret Battle Plan: Bomb. Leave. Repeat as necessary (note: battle plan paraphrased from my shampoo bottle).

    This nation-building c@#$ is a waste of life and wealth. As a vet of the first Gulf War and Somalia, it kills me to see the politically correct ROE and interminable shifting missions inflicted on my brothers in arms. Politicians use the military the same way they use our tax dollars. They spend them like teenage girls at the mall with daddy’s credit card. They aren’t the ones paying, so they don’t care. I apologize to the imaginary statistical outlier politicians and teen girls that are frugal with other people’s lives and wealth.

  25. 4of7 says:

    Fleming/Hunter, Hunter/Fleming 2016!
    You can flip a coin at the inauguration to see who takes the oath of office.

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