I Turn 35 in 2014 So…

Constitutionally eligible, baby!

Frank J. for President 2016
“Stop whining and solve your own problems.”

I want to get in the government so I can tear that mother down. And I want the power of the presidency so I can get rid of it. My goal as president will be that at least half the population will be unable to name me because I’ll stick to my stuff and you’ll stick to yours and we’ll get along just fine that way.

Not sure how one formally starts a campaign, but we can all get working on this now.

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  1. You will need signatures to get on the ballot. Maybe practice writing yours 20,000 different ways.

    Oh, yeah. Money. Other peoples, from overseas. Have you tried to save a Congolese prince from bankruptcy? That always works to raise money.

    If you are tres smart you might even learn how to set up a website. Have you ever thought to write a book? So people can get to know you.

    Eating a dog is also en vogue. Or become an Indian. But I think you have to be 37 to make that jump.


  2. Funny, I was just thinking about doing something like that myself, Frank. Not running for President, but becoming part of the government in an effort to take it down from the inside.

    Although, if you were purposely trying to make the government more inefficient, worthless, and unable to do anything useful, what would you do different from what they’re doing now?


  3. It’s a nice fantasy, but my personal experience is that a sufficiently large bureaucracy effectively isolates those who threaten it, and then expels them. Or else co-opts them.

    And then they end up on the lecture circuit. It isn’t pretty.


  4. Soon you’ll have people campaigning:
    “Impeach President … uh … Jack Flemish! … No that can’t be right.”


  5. Not sure how one formally starts a campaign, but we can all get working on this now.

    – make sure that nobody can see your college transcript, SAT scores, or anything like that
    – have everybody gush about how brilliant you are, because you’ve discovered seven additional states or something like that
    – select a human whoopee cushion as your VP candidate
    – have a job history consisting of titles like community organizer, chief marketing officer, human resources manager, or typical pencil guster
    – have a teleprompter handy at all times

    It seems to work.

    Bacon to the first person who recognizes the “typical pencil guster” reference.


  6. Due to your history of Celtiphobic sentiments, Frank, you’re going to have to work doubly hard to secure my vote.

    Perhaps humble entreaties to Paul Ryan and Bishop D’Arcy. Accompanying photos being released, by your campaign flacks, showing you prostrating yourself before the altar of a Catholic cathedral, might serve as a start.

    Given as you will need the support of the Irish, who are renowned for their skills at mirthfully undermining and destroying with panache.

    You might want to change your name slightly as well…tell the press that when you were young your dad went back to his native land…hmmm…not Kenya-you’re too WASPy for that…Aberstwyth, Wales will do…and that you once took the surname of your step-dad Barretson Koffey. So, among childhood friends you were Frank J. Fleming-Koffey.

    That way, when you’re out on the campaign hustings the crowds can chant: ” F-J-F-K…F-J-F-K!”


  7. “- have a teleprompter handy at all times”

    If you’re budget is low, you can probably just use a teleprompter app for the iPad.



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