Secession? How About Two Americas

Posted on November 14, 2012 1:00 pm

I’ve heard some people talk about secession, and that seems to be the thing frustrated people on the right gravitate towards. We can’t threaten to move to Canada or any other country because they’re all worse than America on freedom — this is all we have — so the best we can do is carve out our own piece here. Still, I think that’s a non-starter. But what if we go with John Edward’s idea to have two Americas?

It’s a great idea. We’ll have free America and free stuff America. And everyone can choose which one they want to be a part of. In free America, no regulation and no entitlements and no taxes. In free stuff America, lots of entitlements and regulation and taxes. And we share the same military but otherwise have no influence over the other. So no more contentious elections and big arguments because people will be free to choose freedom or the other alternative if that’s too scary. And, of course, free America will grow in strength while free stuff America will crumble apart like California as it chases away all the job makers. And eventually free America will conquer free stuff America as everyone in the sissy side will dumb and squishy. And then we’ll have just free America.

We’ll leave out that last part when pitching this idea to the left.

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18 Responses to “Secession? How About Two Americas”

  1. tomg51 says:

    Free America would have to quickly build a fence. And they would vote for it, and then do it. I love Free America.

  2. CarolyntheMommy says:

    See, you write this like you’re joking. Personally, I’m all for this. Just make sure you’re smart about the geographical layout. Make sure the citizenry is like Switzerland in terms of smarts, responsibility, and skill with arms and other defensive tactics so if anyone tries to take advantage of newly split nations we’re ready and able to defend ourselves. Build the fence at the border of Free Stuff America and at Mexico (because let’s not kid ourselves: Texas will be in Free America). To heck with the same military – it seems a good chunk of U.S.A.’s military is southern/midwestern anyway. I’m a native New Englander and it would sadden me to see the home of the Revolution be gone to Free Stuff America, but who are we kidding? – That’s already happened. Since half the country doesn’t seem to remember a little something called the Berlin Wall and what it was like on the Free Stuff side, we might as well remind them and give them exactly what they want while exempting ourselves from the consequences.

    Texas, I’ll be there in 2 years! Just wait for me! Yeeeeeehaw!

    I love Free America.

  3. AT says:

    Think we could get a third one while we’re at it? You know, something like the Nevada desert or the Florida swamps, that we exclusively use as a dumping ground for people like Reid, Pelosi, and the Kardashians?

  4. silaS marreD says:

    Rush Limbaugh: I hope Obama fails.
    Me: I hope Obama secedes.

  5. Marc says:

    Rather than go state by state go down to the county level. Looking at the map from the election we would just fence off some metro areas and keep the rest of the country. Rather than be “free cities” they would be “free stuff cities.” Also much less effort to move in and reclaim them once they have crumbled under their own greed. Maybe ship the last few holdouts off to NYC where they can continue to occupy Wall Street.

    I did see that there are petitions from all 50 States requesting peacefull secession as well as a petition to let the states that want to secede do so and form their own country. This could be fun. All the states secede then reform with the government the way it was meant to be and a new president and congress…kind of like a reset button. I like that.

  6. plentyobailouts says:

    @Marc — Given the prime example of a free stuff city, detroit, whay would you weant to move in and reclaim it one the parasites have had their way with it. It is like a zombie Apocalypse was there and the zombies won. No after the zombies starve to death, we cover the cities with dirt and line the hill with pumpkin chunkers and hey an amusement park!

  7. Vaktatunnen says:

    If we have two Americas, does everyone in one of them have a beard?

  8. tomg51 says:

    Was this the inspiration for Snake Plissken?

  9. springeraz says:

    I think if we secede we should put Honey BooBoo in charge of everything. I mean, it would be a step up from Obama, and besides, compared to Michelle, her mom is killer hot.

  10. K says:

    Why not just propose a permanent adolescent status? The person is told what they can or cannot do, can’t vote, but gets reduced responsibility and an allowance.

    … Since that won’t happen though, I suggest stocking up on pointy rocks to tie to sticks before all the good ones are gone.

  11. Harvey says:

    @10 – In case you run out, here’s a tutorial on how to make pointy rocks:

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090327152301AAx9N7X

  12. Rayfan87 says:

    I vote for separate militaries. Free America will end up with all the nukes and most of the good military bases anyway. Any bases left in Freestuff America can just be emptied out by the soldiers as they leave.

  13. Avaviel says:

    West and East Germany?

    We’d be the West and they’d be the East.

  14. Fly says:

    Sounds like a great experiment! And if 2 is good, why not 3? Or 4? Hey, why not split into 50 parts, all independent, only joined together by a common defense?

    I don’t think Frank tells jokes, Carolyn.

    Yes, Vaktatunnen! Everyone must wrestle a grizzly beard. That’s just a fact of nature, though.

    Free America would probably have open borders.

  15. John says:

    Been there, thought that, no t-shirt

  16. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    Everyone must wrestle a grizzly beard.

    Are we talking ZZ Top beards, Dan Haggerty beards, or Rutherford B. Hayes type beards?

  17. 4of7 says:

    Morlocks and Eloi.

  18. Fly says:

    Magnificent examples, Bunkerhillbilly. :) But by all appearances, those gentlemen have wrestled their grizzly beard and the grizzly beard has prevailed.

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