* Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas
* The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.
* Christmas specials which show Santa’s workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa’s evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.
* He mostly makes fruitcakes – the most concentrated form of evil known to man.
* Tree decorating originated with tree-worshiping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.
* If an elf bites you, you become one.
* Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same “OIIIIIILLLLL!” that the Iraq war was “all about”.
* The majority of terrorists don’t celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they’ve been killed by Americans.
* Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas Day.
* And every other day.
* Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.
* Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and thus more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.
* Santa’s reindeer can also fly, probably because they’re Rastafarians.
* The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.
* The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.
* Bing Crosby starred in “White Christmas”. Bling Crosby starred in “Hot Black Studs in Action”. Try not to get those two confused if you’re searching for family-entertainment DVDs this holiday season.
* A “Christmas Club” is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It’s also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.
* The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is “Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day”, AKA “Valentine’s Day”.
* Every December, Americans mail out a combined total of 9 billion Christmas cards in an effort to keep in touch with loved ones. Which pisses me off because it always delays the delivery of the December issue of “Hefty Hooters” magazine.
* Before settling on the name “Tiny Tim” for the character’s name in “A Christmas Carol”, Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, and Mutilated Marvin.
* Eggnog is a traditional holiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.
* Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the roof of my car replaced.