Our Awful Baby Names

Just look at this list of the top baby names from 2012 and it’s no wonder our kids are a bunch of sissies and weirdos. I first read it as Aiden being the most popular girl’s name before I realized that’s supposed to be a boy’s name. Really, about half the boy’s name makes me without knowing anything else about them want to give them a wedgie. And for girl’s names… Reese? Are people naming their girls after John Connor’s dad? And Mackenzie? Was Bud Light pitch-dog Spuds MacKenzie really that popular? And where did this idea of giving girls random last names as a first name start?

We need people to have solid names like “Frank” (not on the top 100) if we want this country to succeed.

And don’t point out how I named my daughter Buttercup. That name is adorable… and it’s her middle name so it doesn’t count.

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22 Comments

  1. Horace?!?

    C’mon now…you need a robust, manly name like Percival. Or Rupert.

    Those names just bristle with the implication of a square jaw, dragging knuckles and unchecked mayhem just simmering beneath the surface.

    Wesley and Llewellyn too.

    Several New Orleans Saints defensive players are named Llewellyn.

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  2. This was obviously rigged and part of the hippie conspiracy. Olaf and Sven did not make the list. Nor did Angus or Carmichael, therefore the list is rigged.

    I didn’t get a harumph out of that guy!

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  3. Anyone who names their kid something that rhymes with ‘aiden’ is a moron. No apologies to all you morons out there. Approved names are: Genghis, Attilla, and Alexander. If your name doesn’t strike fear into those that don’t know you, you’ve done something wrong.

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  4. You failed to mention your chosen name for your next child. If it’s a boy, will it be “Frank J., Jr.?”

    Then you could call him “J-J.”

    Or you could name him the best name on the planet: “James.”

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  5. One of my sons has a name in the top 5 of that list. I was a bit upset with that at first, then I remembered that his first name was a compromise to get his middle name Kael which although it means faithful, it is the bad guy on Willow. And he is SO PROUD of that simple fact.

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  6. My first son went from top 130 when he has born to top 5 now; we were ahead of the curve! My second son languishes in the top 14,500 names and is unlikely to get any closer.

    “Jace” sounds more annoying than the ones you mentioned. His classmates will probably change it to something like “Ugly Face Jace”!

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  7. It’s “harpist”, not “harper”….

    I know a fair number of people who play harps. Harpists play pedal harps (the kind found in a symphony orchestra). Harpers play Irish harps
    (the kind found in bars).

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  8. Harpers play Irish harps (the kind found in bars).

    Guinness, Bushmill’s and Laphroaig are also found in bars…(along with Asian hookers named Rusty and peg-legged boozers named Buck.) I don’t see those names represented on this ferkakte list.

    I did meet a Johnny Walker when I was in the service…and there was this one senior NCO who had the alternating nicknames of Old Granddad and The Famous Grouse. (Or was that Famous Grouch?)

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  9. I wanted to name my first son Zoltan Agamemnon.

    Wife wouldn’t go for it.

    Seems like a strong name to me, but nobody wants strong names anymore. They want “nice sounding” names. Since when do conquerors have nice sounding names?

    Oh yeah, I wanted my first son to be a conqueror when he grows up. I don’t think the wife is keen on that either.

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  10. My name hasn’t been in the top 100 since the 1600s. I like my mother’s naming strategy ( to select names that half of my sibs and my first grade classes wouldn’t have [she succeeded]). I have to agree with FrankJ on this one. If we give our kids sissy names, odds are they will grow up to be sissies. Maybe if we name our kids after conquerors we can be the biggest baddest superpower ever.

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  11. Hehe. I want to give my kids normal, unmakefunable first names but absolutely evil middle names, to give them character. Perhaps Tsepesh or Ouranos for boys, and Berengaria or Stheneboeia (if I figure out how to pronounce it…or maybe even if I don’t) for girls.

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  12. “Buttercup” would have been a fine, just fine, first name; but, you’re right – since it’s the middle name it doesn’t count. Friends of ours gave their daughter the middle name Morgana; Mrs. friend convinced Mr. Friend to make it the middle name instead of the first. True story.

    Anyhoo, while I raised my eyebrows and/or laughed at several entries on the boys’ lists, I’ll confess, the girls seriously got the sh*t-end of the stick on this one. What you said about girls getting random last names – couldn’t agree more.

    I hope there are soon-to-be parents out there reading this, cuz listen up: Your child’s name is NOT the moment to let your creativity shine, you heartless, soulless bastards: the CHILD is the one who has to live with it, not you, so get your heads out of your asses give your kids names that say “this is a definitely a girl”, or “this is definitely a boy” – or move to Sweden or some other androgynous country.

    That is all.

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