Senate to Ban All Projectile Firing Devices

Posted on December 27, 2012 1:41 pm

WASHINGTON (NPN) – On the heels of the national gun control debate that has been raging over the past few weeks, Senator Feinstein, D-Ca, is attempting to push through a bill to ban all projectile firing devices, especially those that can be loaded with more than one projectile.

“This is not a ban against weapons, as that would be unconstitutional,” said the senator, “it is simply a ban on devices that fire projectiles. As we all know, projectiles are dangerous and can hurt and kill people, so we need to get them off of the streets.”

When asked if this included all handguns, hunting rifles, and even BB guns, the senator confirmed this was the case. “Oh yes, those BB guns seem so innocent, but you could shoot your eye out with one of those things.”

A spokesperson for senator Feinstein’s office which is responsible for drafting the new legislation explained that this is not an infringement of people’s rights to bear arms.

“Let them have swords” said the spokesperson. “Or even spears. You can hunt with a spear. And sword fights are fun.”

Gun rights activists like the NRA are up in arms about this new push to ban all guns, setting a date for a rally at the capital and multiple television ads.

“We are not going to sit by while this government tramples our rights to keep and bear arms.” said Tom Green, a gun rights activist. “And not only that, but I spent hundreds on my Nerf gun collection and they want to take it away. I’ll have nothing to do at work!”

White House press secretary Jay Carney held court as reporters bombarded him with questions about the legislation.

“Look, first what I want to say is, the President did not push for any such legislation and so we don’t know all of the details.” said Carney. “But from what I, uh, I understand of senator Feinstein’s bill is that this will only effect a small number of projectile firing devices, not necessarily guns exactly, per se, etc.”

Upon being asked what exactly he defines as being a gun other than a projectile firing device, Carney ripped his shirt off, flexed his biceps and said “now these are guns baby!”. He then held his pose frozen until the reporters finally left.

There are also unconfirmed reports surfacing that several other Democrat members of the Senate are drafting their own bills in an effort to keep the public safe, such as a ban on all types of eapons that start with a “w”, a ban on sharp material separation devices, a ban on devices that have triggers, and a ban on pointy sticks.

There is a rumor that there is also a proposal to ban laws against pederasty, but NPN was unable to confirm which creepy old Democrat Senator from Nevada was looking into such legislation.

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6 Responses to “Senate to Ban All Projectile Firing Devices”

  1. Dohtimes says:

    Joe Biden thinks firearms are fine if used for self defense, but who in their right mind would set their own arms on fire to protect themselves.

  2. Greg says:

    as long as they don’t ban passionfruit, oranges, apples grapefruit (whole OR segmented) pomegranates, greengages, grapes, lemons, plums, mangoes (in syrup) cherries (red AND black) or BANANAS!! I’m ok with it.

  3. rennyangel says:

    The News Journal published legal gun owners’ names in its circulation area (evidently to alert literate crooks where the disarmed are) but really to bully and intimidate citizens practicing their 2nd amendment rights. Here are the names of some Journal writers who would live c. NY-NJ-CT and might find bullying and harassing an honor returned. Maybe one or town owns guns themselves: LEE HIGGINS, GARY STERN, DWIGHT WORLEY HEMA EASLEY, SHAWN COHEN, TERRENCE CORCORAN, ROB RYSER, and the last filed the most online on the Newtown, CT, massacre.

  4. CTCompromise says:

    They did manage to ban projectile firing weapons inside our embassy in Benghazi…and look at how well that worked!

  5. CTCompromise says:

    Good thing they didn’t propose this ban until after my nephew outgrew his cholic, and the projectile vomiting that came with it !

  6. Bad Science says:

    Grr, they’ll have to pry my P38 out of my dead hands, and then figure out how to get it off of my keyring!

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