Spider-Man dies. Again.

Now I’m reading where Peter Parker, who is Spider-Man, is going to die in the upcoming issue 700.

Only, Peter Parker died in some issue back in August 2011 and Miles Morales became the new Spider-Man. Except that was another continuity. Or something.

Anyway, Peter Parker is going to die … unless that’s a spoiler and I wasn’t supposed to tell that, in which case, SOMETHING BIG WILL HAPPEN … and Doctor Octavius will become the new Spider-Man. Or something.

Okay, I need to back up for a second. I don’t get comic books. I just don’t get them. Superman? Don’t get it. Bat-Man? Don’t get it. Spider-Man? Yeah, I don’t get it.

Yes, I fully realize this is blasphemy, and that many of you are lining up to tie me to a stake, stack wood and brush, and set me alight. And, I suspect that Frank J. would be taking the lead on this. But guess what? He doesn’t read the stuff I write. I’m not even sure he remembers I have the keys to the place. He’s got a wife, a kid, and another on the way. He’s too busy to worry about me.

Anyway, I don’t get comics. Particularly the whole multiple universe thing. That’s the comic book version of Bobby Ewing in the shower.

I can stand some kid being bitten by a radioactive spider and suddenly being able to climb walls and such … okay, maybe I can’t.

But I can get into stories about a super-rich guy who runs around in his underwear and a cape fighting criminals who dress up like playing cards or flightless birds … okay I don’t get that either.

Well, I can deal with a space alien who can fly and disguise himself with a pair of glasses and bullets bounce off him but he ducks when someone throws a gun at him …

I just don’t get comics.


What if Obama’s election — and re-election — is actually part of an alternate universe like one where Spider-Man is Bruce Wayne’s sidekick or Superman is a country music singer?

I kinda like that other universe better.

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  1. Hey guys? Remember, when we get the wood and brush to tie Basil to for burning, get the extra fresh, wet wood-it’ll be smokier, burn longer, and create more agony for the blasphemer.

    Just kidding.


  2. I’m not a big comic book fan, but I do enjoy stories where a good guy delivers pain and suffering to a bad guy with extreme prejudice, malice, and cruelty.

    So… Dirty Harry & RoboCop are my favorite movies.

    As for comics, Frank Miller’s “Dark Knight” trilogy is about as close as I get to enjoying that genre.

    Outside of that, long-running comics tend to start pulling crap “surprises” like daytime soap operas do, just because they’re out of ideas.

  3. The problem with comics isn’t the characters, it’s that they go on for 700 issues,
    when going beyond 2-300 necessitates multi-verses, ‘imaginary-what-if’ stories,
    silly reinventions of the characters, new ‘desperatly-seeking-relevance-through-current-events’ characters,
    ‘wait-and-see-how-we-resurrect-the-beloved-character-we-killed-off-again’ stories,
    ‘surprise-he’s-really-a-clone’ stories etc.
    Nuff said!

  4. Hmmm, Batman with Spiderman as a sidekick instead of Robin… that actually would have worked really well on the original TV series. You know, when Batman was a comedy? Geez, let Big Drama in and they’ll wreck everything, although the special effects are fun to watch for a while, I guess.

  5. I gave up on comics when they stopped being fun and tried to be serious.
    Superman, dude, you wear your underpants OVER your long-johns.
    Lighten up.

    But I still check Axe Cop every week on the interwebs.


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