Spider-Man dies. Again.

Posted on December 27, 2012 5:00 pm

Now I’m reading where Peter Parker, who is Spider-Man, is going to die in the upcoming issue 700.

Only, Peter Parker died in some issue back in August 2011 and Miles Morales became the new Spider-Man. Except that was another continuity. Or something.

Anyway, Peter Parker is going to die … unless that’s a spoiler and I wasn’t supposed to tell that, in which case, SOMETHING BIG WILL HAPPEN … and Doctor Octavius will become the new Spider-Man. Or something.

Okay, I need to back up for a second. I don’t get comic books. I just don’t get them. Superman? Don’t get it. Bat-Man? Don’t get it. Spider-Man? Yeah, I don’t get it.

Yes, I fully realize this is blasphemy, and that many of you are lining up to tie me to a stake, stack wood and brush, and set me alight. And, I suspect that Frank J. would be taking the lead on this. But guess what? He doesn’t read the stuff I write. I’m not even sure he remembers I have the keys to the place. He’s got a wife, a kid, and another on the way. He’s too busy to worry about me.

Anyway, I don’t get comics. Particularly the whole multiple universe thing. That’s the comic book version of Bobby Ewing in the shower.

I can stand some kid being bitten by a radioactive spider and suddenly being able to climb walls and such … okay, maybe I can’t.

But I can get into stories about a super-rich guy who runs around in his underwear and a cape fighting criminals who dress up like playing cards or flightless birds … okay I don’t get that either.

Well, I can deal with a space alien who can fly and disguise himself with a pair of glasses and bullets bounce off him but he ducks when someone throws a gun at him …

I just don’t get comics.

Unless…

What if Obama’s election — and re-election — is actually part of an alternate universe like one where Spider-Man is Bruce Wayne’s sidekick or Superman is a country music singer?

I kinda like that other universe better.

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7 Responses to “Spider-Man dies. Again.”

  1. Greg says:

    Hey guys? Remember, when we get the wood and brush to tie Basil to for burning, get the extra fresh, wet wood-it’ll be smokier, burn longer, and create more agony for the blasphemer.

    Just kidding.

    Really.

  2. Harvey says:

    I’m not a big comic book fan, but I do enjoy stories where a good guy delivers pain and suffering to a bad guy with extreme prejudice, malice, and cruelty.

    So… Dirty Harry & RoboCop are my favorite movies.

    As for comics, Frank Miller’s “Dark Knight” trilogy is about as close as I get to enjoying that genre.

    Outside of that, long-running comics tend to start pulling crap “surprises” like daytime soap operas do, just because they’re out of ideas.

  3. Terry_Jim says:

    The problem with comics isn’t the characters, it’s that they go on for 700 issues,
    when going beyond 2-300 necessitates multi-verses, ‘imaginary-what-if’ stories,
    silly reinventions of the characters, new ‘desperatly-seeking-relevance-through-current-events’ characters,
    ‘wait-and-see-how-we-resurrect-the-beloved-character-we-killed-off-again’ stories,
    ‘surprise-he’s-really-a-clone’ stories etc.
    Nuff said!

  4. Les says:

    There’s no legitimate argument for any civilian to possess wall-climbing or high-capacity web-slinging abilities.

  5. Bad Science says:

    Hmmm, Batman with Spiderman as a sidekick instead of Robin… that actually would have worked really well on the original TV series. You know, when Batman was a comedy? Geez, let Big Drama in and they’ll wreck everything, although the special effects are fun to watch for a while, I guess.

  6. 4of7 says:

    I gave up on comics when they stopped being fun and tried to be serious.
    Superman, dude, you wear your underpants OVER your long-johns.
    Lighten up.

    But I still check Axe Cop every week on the interwebs.

  7. Denise says:

    I don’t care much for comic books anymore. Archies, Richie Rich, etc. were fun. Superheroes belong in the movies.

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