The Human Hand Evolved in Response to Hippies’ Faces

Posted on December 21, 2012 1:00 pm

According to Science!, the human hand evolved specifically so we can punch each other. A gorilla can’t make a fist good for punching. I mean, a gorilla could grab a hippie and repeatedly slam him into the ground (which would be awesome), but he can’t punch the hippie in his stupid face. So the main thing that separates man from lower animals is the ability to punch hippies.

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9 Responses to “The Human Hand Evolved in Response to Hippies’ Faces”

  1. Rock Throwing Peasant says:

    Not to get all anti-Science!, but didn’t Lemarck push this concept of evolution and was laughed at? Are we back to that point?

  2. Greg says:

    This means that…in order for mankind to evolve even more, we need to spend MORE time punching hippies. Hippies, not being willing, or able, to punch back, will DE-volve into useless little amoebas.

  3. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    I think H.G. Wells dealt with this in The Time Machine…Hippie Libs de-evolving into Eloi, The rest becoming Morlochs (who clean their teeth with Eloi).

  4. DamnCat says:

    I always thought the human hand evolved to be able to open cans of tuna. But if tuna opening is just an addtional benefit derived from hippie punching then I’m good with that.

    Well played, Mr. Darwin! Well played indeed!

  5. Rayfan87 says:

    Hmm, I always thought it involved grabbing cats tails and whipping them around like a medieval flail.

  6. Joeeddy says:

    Ha!~ I’m an old hippie and I would have no problem kicking Frank J. Fleming ass in the ring. How about it Frankie?
    Really we could raise some money for the winners choice of charities. And punking you, Frank J. Fleming would be a contribution to the betterment of the spices.
    All in fun Frank. Put on the gloves, step in the ring with a “Hippie”. You have my contact information.
    Peace, Love and Ready!

  7. Mxymaster says:

    But…since hippies have dumb monkey faces, doesn’t that mean the MONKEY fist is best suited to the task? I guess SCIENCE! just baffles me.

  8. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    Quoth Yon Genius, Joeeddy: punking you, Frank J. Fleming would be a contribution to the betterment of the spices

    Erm…Bubba, are you including sage, cardamon, ginger and nutmeg? Or is such an elevation limited to South American psycho-peppers?

    How, exactly, would such a display of macho violence (with you as the self-proclaimed victor) be connected to, or manifest, such improvements?

    Is the room to infer, by your masterful cyberboasting, that such single-combat would result in the death and enhumation of Frank?

    Oh, and finally, aren’t violent acts anathema to the common, bedraggled, bong-huffing Hippie?

    Just curious.

  9. AT says:

    I don’t know… that sounds pretty fishy. We’d better all go out and test this theory.

    Multiple times. For science.

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