Awful First Draft Dialogue

On Friday, there was a hashtag game on Twitter for #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue. I decided to participate, and now I will subject you to what I came up with:

“You can’t be told what the Matrix is; that’s the first rule of Matrix Club.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Blood and brains everywhere. I don’t like to talk about it.”

“That not a knife… No wait! It is a knife! Run!”

“Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo.”

“No. I am your father… or possibly Lando. Still waiting on the DNA test.”

“You can’t handle the truth so you’ll have to sign a waiver first as I don’t want to get sued!”

“Game over, man! Insert another coin to continue! I hope you recently saved!”

“Restart from last checkpoint, man!”

“So what do you need? Besides a miracle?”
“Gun control. Lots of common sense gun control.”

“Oh, the Statue of Liberty. I guess this is earth. I was wondering why everyone was speaking English.”

“ME WANT SEE MONEY!!!”

“The problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans or a pile of pizzas or a stack of bagels… Sorry, I skipped lunch.”

“No, it wasn’t the airplanes that killed the beast. It was the Jews! Just read my newsletter.”

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Not cool, man.”

“Bond. James Bond. But everyone calls me ‘Fuzzy.'”

“I know what you’re thinking: Did I fire all 6 bullets or only 5? To tell you truth, I’m really drunk right now.”

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61 Comments

  1. “I’m going to make him an offer he might or might not contractually agree upon although some future commitment might, ipso facto, be relevant.”

    “ET fax home.”

    “A census taker once tried to test me. I took him to dinner and we had some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Yumsies.”

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  2. You had me at “Yo B Otch!”

    “And now for something completly the same”

    “‘ll be back. If you think I will be able to see her when I get here”

    What happened to Scully? I through him off the cliff

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  3. Carpe diem. That means “I pick, pluck, pluck off, cull, crop, gather, to eat food, to serve, to want”, but Ovid used the word in the sense of, “enjoy, seize, use, make use of”. It is related to the Greek verb (carpoomae) καρπόομαι, (I grab the fruit, profits, opportunity), (carpos) καρπός=fruit of tree, of effort, etc. So make your lives extraordinary, boys.

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  4. “It’s always best to start at the beginning, except in your case. You should start at the top so you don’t waste time with the details of administering a large organization, Mr. President.”

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  5. “I am Bruce Wayne–crap! I mean Batman.”

    “Want to see me make a pencil disappear? Uh wait, anyone seen my pencil?”

    “I AM GUNNERY SERGEANT HARMTAN! How y’all doing? Getting settled in? Any questions?”

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  6. Who’s a goood boy? You’re a fuzzy wookie, yes you are!

    In the beginning God created the heavens and the smurf.

    That’s when Buttercup realized that when Wesley said “make me a Sammich Beiotch” he really meant “I love you”

    Bond, Gold Bond powder.

    Mister Gorbachev- Paint that wall.

    We’ve got nothing to fear but Fear Itself, …and starvation…. and the Japanese… and Polio.

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  7. “You can’t be told what the Matrix is; that’s the first rule of Matrix Club.”

    Actually that one, to me, is a little different from an awful first draft. It’s more along the line of a “Mixed Memes” meme.
    Like – “Need interstellar legal advice? Contact the law offices of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt.”

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  8. “I dreamed I was my father, so I a wrote a book about it. I thought about calling it “Dreaming Of My Father,” but then I changed it to “Dreaming My Father’s Dreams.” But see, it was actually about me. Okay, I had some help writing it because I never actually knew the guy. And my editor renamed it “Dreams Of My Father.” Do they sell ice cream here?”

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  9. In the beginning God created stuff.
    The stuff was a mess, and poorly lit too.
    And God said, “Dang, it’s dark around here!”; and there was light.
    And God was diggin’ the light
    God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. Duh.

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  10. “I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire one bullet, two bullets, three bullets, four bullets, five bullets, or si-i-ix bullets? Hah hah hah hah!” *Thunder*

    Misplaced Characters

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  11. “Call me Ishmael…call me Morty…call me Ivor The Engine Driver…I don’t care, just shut your gob and open the holes on the sides of yer head, cuz, boy, do I have a whale of a story to drop on ya!”-H. Melville, Moby Dick

    “The megabucks that groups of folks got, where capitalism makes the heavy-boss scene, hips itself as being a super-big buncha stuff that squares call commodities, daddy-o!”-K. Marx, Das Kapital, Allen Ginsburg, ed.

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  12. “Excuse me, Miss Swift, if I might presume upon a moment of your time, and I assure you that I shall permit you to conclude your monologizing directly, however I would like to underscore the superlative and eternal nature of the oevre of Beyonce to her peers which are, on this auspicious evening, herein gathered to bestow honors, one upon the other!”-Kanye West, Spontaneous Oratory

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  13. @Formerhostage: #35
    I’ve always paraphrased that one as — Life is like a box of chocolates… some pieces taste like crap.

    The other one I saw somewhere went something like — People are like a box of chocolates… you never know what they’re like inside until someone sticks finger in their bottom.

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  14. #35 – Formerhostage,
    … the more bread you have, the less $h!t you have to eat.
    The day my brother told me that, I fell out of my chair laughing.
    Ah, memories! Bacon for you, Thanks. 🙂

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