Awful First Draft Dialogue

Posted on January 7, 2013 1:00 pm

On Friday, there was a hashtag game on Twitter for #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue. I decided to participate, and now I will subject you to what I came up with:

“You can’t be told what the Matrix is; that’s the first rule of Matrix Club.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Blood and brains everywhere. I don’t like to talk about it.”

“That not a knife… No wait! It is a knife! Run!”

“Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo.”

“No. I am your father… or possibly Lando. Still waiting on the DNA test.”

“You can’t handle the truth so you’ll have to sign a waiver first as I don’t want to get sued!”

“Game over, man! Insert another coin to continue! I hope you recently saved!”

“Restart from last checkpoint, man!”

“So what do you need? Besides a miracle?”
“Gun control. Lots of common sense gun control.”

“Oh, the Statue of Liberty. I guess this is earth. I was wondering why everyone was speaking English.”


“The problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans or a pile of pizzas or a stack of bagels… Sorry, I skipped lunch.”

“No, it wasn’t the airplanes that killed the beast. It was the Jews! Just read my newsletter.”

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Not cool, man.”

“Bond. James Bond. But everyone calls me ‘Fuzzy.'”

“I know what you’re thinking: Did I fire all 6 bullets or only 5? To tell you truth, I’m really drunk right now.”

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61 Responses to “Awful First Draft Dialogue”

  1. jimmy kinkade says:

    nothing better than a blog post recap of a twitter hashtag game.

  2. CarolyntheMommy says:

    You referenced Clue. Super bacony praise!

  3. DamnCat says:

    “Greed is meh.”

    “I think this is the beginning of the end credits.”

    “I’ll be back by the restroom.”

  4. FormerHostage says:

    You know how to whistle don’t you? You can’t? Oh. Then just yell.

    Frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a rat’s @ss!

    My little red snow sled…

  5. Apostic says:

    “I’ll be back by the restroom.”

    The Urinator

  6. Apostic says:

    “I’m going to make him an offer he might or might not contractually agree upon although some future commitment might, ipso facto, be relevant.”

    “ET fax home.”

    “A census taker once tried to test me. I took him to dinner and we had some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Yumsies.”

  7. Dohtimes says:

    Yippee Ki Yay, Yankee Doodle Dandy.

    Luke, I am your fodder.

  8. plentyobailouts says:

    You had me at “Yo B Otch!”

    “And now for something completly the same”

    “‘ll be back. If you think I will be able to see her when I get here”

    What happened to Scully? I through him off the cliff

  9. Basil says:

    Luke, I am your fodder

    To be fair, Tony Curtis was first considered to play Darth Vader.

  10. rodney dill says:

    In a microwave no one can hear you scream.

  11. rodney dill says:

    Ancient weapons and hokey religions are no match for a good baster at your side kid — Julia Child

  12. rodney dill says:

    Washington D.C., you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

  13. rodney dill says:

    Republicans Of Unusual Size? I don’t beleef dey exist.

  14. rodney dill says:

    It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally made whoopee with my wife. “Whoops! I’m so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn’t my week.”

  15. CarolyntheMommy says:

    I feel the need. The need, for moving at a very fast forward velocity!

  16. CarolyntheMommy says:

    They’re heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere……. to take your rights away!

  17. Pug Mahon says:

    “Can’t believe I’m still in Saigon. Sweet!”

  18. Pug Mahon says:

    In the same vein: “The ennui…the ennui…”

  19. Pug Mahon says:

    “I try to get out and they think it might be a good idea!”

  20. CarolyntheMommy says:

    Play it again, Sam – unless you think that being forced to play an instrument with mostly white keys is racially insensitive.

  21. silaS marreD says:

    Boys and gin and music. Why do they need girls?

  22. Jimmy says:

    “You gonna eat that? What do you mean you already did?”

  23. rodney dill says:

    “Junky old sled…”

  24. silaS marreD says:

    There’s no place like home — except maybe Topeka; it looks pretty similar. Come to think of it, Salina looks pretty much the same too.

  25. silaS marreD says:

    The Force may be with you. Sometimes.

  26. rodney dill says:

    “Fat, drunk, and stupid is… well not so bad if you’re born rich.”

  27. Jimmy says:

    “She has wonderful muscles. Well, except her butt is too… developed, or something. Oh, she plays squash, does she?”

  28. DamnCat says:

    “A man’s got to know his Leviticus.”


    “Ah don know nuthin’ ’bout burpin’ no babies.”

    “I am Sporty Spice!”

  29. rodney dill says:

    If you build it they will vandalize it.

  30. rodney dill says:

    !This… Is… East Lansing, MI!”

  31. Jimmy says:

    “We’re all here to do what we’re all here to do. What are you doing?”

  32. FormerHostage says:

    He is Sparticus.
    Yup, that’s him alright.
    Sparticus, no doubt.
    That’s your man right there…

  33. silaS marreD says:

    Carpe diem. That means “I pick, pluck, pluck off, cull, crop, gather, to eat food, to serve, to want”, but Ovid used the word in the sense of, “enjoy, seize, use, make use of”. It is related to the Greek verb (carpoomae) καρπόομαι, (I grab the fruit, profits, opportunity), (carpos) καρπός=fruit of tree, of effort, etc. So make your lives extraordinary, boys.

  34. FormerHostage says:

    Being in love means never having to say you’re sorry….unless you marry her in which case you might as well have “Sorry” tattoo’d on your forehead!

  35. FormerHostage says:

    My mama always said, Life is like a s#!t sandwich…

  36. Jimmy says:

    “Well, I banged the knocker and nothing happened.”

  37. FormerHostage says:

    “HAL, let me in.”
    “I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that.”
    “Opening the door now Dave.”

  38. Apostic says:

    “Get away from her, you!”

  39. rodney dill says:

    Go ahead punk, make my tuna salad sandwich.

  40. Pug Mahon says:

    “I am Bruce Wayne–crap! I mean Batman.”

    “Want to see me make a pencil disappear? Uh wait, anyone seen my pencil?”

    “I AM GUNNERY SERGEANT HARMTAN! How y’all doing? Getting settled in? Any questions?”

  41. Jimmy says:

    “It’s always best to start at the beginning, except in your case. You should start at the top so you don’t waste time with the details of administering a large organization, Mr. President.”

  42. hwuu says:

    Who’s a goood boy? You’re a fuzzy wookie, yes you are!

    In the beginning God created the heavens and the smurf.

    That’s when Buttercup realized that when Wesley said “make me a Sammich Beiotch” he really meant “I love you”

    Bond, Gold Bond powder.

    Mister Gorbachev- Paint that wall.

    We’ve got nothing to fear but Fear Itself, …and starvation…. and the Japanese… and Polio.

  43. Apostic says:

    “Have you got everything, Mr. Driftwood?” “Yes”

  44. Apostic says:

    “And you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with… a SAW!”

  45. rodney dill says:

    “You can’t be told what the Matrix is; that’s the first rule of Matrix Club.”

    Actually that one, to me, is a little different from an awful first draft. It’s more along the line of a “Mixed Memes” meme.
    Like – “Need interstellar legal advice? Contact the law offices of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt.”

  46. rodney dill says:

    UW Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ UW Badgers.

  47. Jimmy says:

    “I dreamed I was my father, so I a wrote a book about it. I thought about calling it “Dreaming Of My Father,” but then I changed it to “Dreaming My Father’s Dreams.” But see, it was actually about me. Okay, I had some help writing it because I never actually knew the guy. And my editor renamed it “Dreams Of My Father.” Do they sell ice cream here?”

  48. rodney dill says:

    “The power source of the Batmobile? 220, 221 whatever it takes.”

  49. rodney dill says:

    “Release the really big sea monster.”

  50. DamnCat says:

    In the beginning God created stuff.
    The stuff was a mess, and poorly lit too.
    And God said, “Dang, it’s dark around here!”; and there was light.
    And God was diggin’ the light
    God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. Duh.

  51. Zaklog the Great says:

    Die Hard “Now I have a gun free zone. Ho ho ho!”

  52. Zaklog the Great says:

    “I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire one bullet, two bullets, three bullets, four bullets, five bullets, or si-i-ix bullets? Hah hah hah hah!” *Thunder*

    Misplaced Characters

  53. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    “Call me Ishmael…call me Morty…call me Ivor The Engine Driver…I don’t care, just shut your gob and open the holes on the sides of yer head, cuz, boy, do I have a whale of a story to drop on ya!”-H. Melville, Moby Dick

    “The megabucks that groups of folks got, where capitalism makes the heavy-boss scene, hips itself as being a super-big buncha stuff that squares call commodities, daddy-o!”-K. Marx, Das Kapital, Allen Ginsburg, ed.

  54. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    “Excuse me, Miss Swift, if I might presume upon a moment of your time, and I assure you that I shall permit you to conclude your monologizing directly, however I would like to underscore the superlative and eternal nature of the oevre of Beyonce to her peers which are, on this auspicious evening, herein gathered to bestow honors, one upon the other!”-Kanye West, Spontaneous Oratory

  55. rodney dill says:

    @Formerhostage: #35
    I’ve always paraphrased that one as — Life is like a box of chocolates… some pieces taste like crap.

    The other one I saw somewhere went something like — People are like a box of chocolates… you never know what they’re like inside until someone sticks finger in their bottom.

  56. Doug says:

    Dirty Harry – with a high capacity Glock: “I know what you’re thinking, did I fire 17 rounds or only 16? ….. “

  57. CarolyntheMommy says:

    Yippie Kai Yay, German dudes!

  58. rodney dill says:

    “Head or purple nurple.” – Last Boy Scout

  59. HokieGomer says:

    “…I love the smell of talcum powder in the morning…” – Apocalypse Now

  60. hwuu says:

    One does not simply ride the subway into Mordor.

    No mister Bond I expect you to sizzle and smell like burning tires.

    Some Tasty Pig

  61. 4of7 says:

    #35 – Formerhostage,
    … the more bread you have, the less $h!t you have to eat.
    The day my brother told me that, I fell out of my chair laughing.
    Ah, memories! Bacon for you, Thanks. :)

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