Awful First Draft Dialogue
On Friday, there was a hashtag game on Twitter for #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue. I decided to participate, and now I will subject you to what I came up with:
“You can’t be told what the Matrix is; that’s the first rule of Matrix Club.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Blood and brains everywhere. I don’t like to talk about it.”
“That not a knife… No wait! It is a knife! Run!”
“Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo.”
“No. I am your father… or possibly Lando. Still waiting on the DNA test.”
“You can’t handle the truth so you’ll have to sign a waiver first as I don’t want to get sued!”
“Game over, man! Insert another coin to continue! I hope you recently saved!”
“Restart from last checkpoint, man!”
“So what do you need? Besides a miracle?”
“Gun control. Lots of common sense gun control.”
“Oh, the Statue of Liberty. I guess this is earth. I was wondering why everyone was speaking English.”
“ME WANT SEE MONEY!!!”
“The problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans or a pile of pizzas or a stack of bagels… Sorry, I skipped lunch.”
“No, it wasn’t the airplanes that killed the beast. It was the Jews! Just read my newsletter.”
“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Not cool, man.”
“Bond. James Bond. But everyone calls me ‘Fuzzy.’”
“I know what you’re thinking: Did I fire all 6 bullets or only 5? To tell you truth, I’m really drunk right now.”
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January 7th, 2013 at 1:04 pm
nothing better than a blog post recap of a twitter hashtag game.
January 7th, 2013 at 1:16 pm
You referenced Clue. Super bacony praise!
January 7th, 2013 at 1:18 pm
“Greed is meh.”
“I think this is the beginning of the end credits.”
“I’ll be back by the restroom.”
January 7th, 2013 at 1:22 pm
You know how to whistle don’t you? You can’t? Oh. Then just yell.
Frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a rat’s @ss!
My little red snow sled…
January 7th, 2013 at 1:26 pm
The Urinator
January 7th, 2013 at 1:30 pm
“I’m going to make him an offer he might or might not contractually agree upon although some future commitment might, ipso facto, be relevant.”
“ET fax home.”
“A census taker once tried to test me. I took him to dinner and we had some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Yumsies.”
January 7th, 2013 at 1:35 pm
Yippee Ki Yay, Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Luke, I am your fodder.
January 7th, 2013 at 2:14 pm
You had me at “Yo B Otch!”
“And now for something completly the same”
“‘ll be back. If you think I will be able to see her when I get here”
What happened to Scully? I through him off the cliff
January 7th, 2013 at 2:21 pm
To be fair, Tony Curtis was first considered to play Darth Vader.
January 7th, 2013 at 2:21 pm
In a microwave no one can hear you scream.
January 7th, 2013 at 2:22 pm
Ancient weapons and hokey religions are no match for a good baster at your side kid — Julia Child
January 7th, 2013 at 2:26 pm
Washington D.C., you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
January 7th, 2013 at 2:34 pm
Republicans Of Unusual Size? I don’t beleef dey exist.
January 7th, 2013 at 2:39 pm
It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally made whoopee with my wife. “Whoops! I’m so sorry, Mrs. H. I guess this just isn’t my week.”
January 7th, 2013 at 2:44 pm
I feel the need. The need, for moving at a very fast forward velocity!
January 7th, 2013 at 2:46 pm
They’re heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere……. to take your rights away!
January 7th, 2013 at 2:51 pm
“Can’t believe I’m still in Saigon. Sweet!”
January 7th, 2013 at 2:52 pm
In the same vein: “The ennui…the ennui…”
January 7th, 2013 at 2:53 pm
“I try to get out and they think it might be a good idea!”
January 7th, 2013 at 2:54 pm
Play it again, Sam – unless you think that being forced to play an instrument with mostly white keys is racially insensitive.
January 7th, 2013 at 2:57 pm
Boys and gin and music. Why do they need girls?
January 7th, 2013 at 3:02 pm
“You gonna eat that? What do you mean you already did?”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:02 pm
“Junky old sled…”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:03 pm
There’s no place like home — except maybe Topeka; it looks pretty similar. Come to think of it, Salina looks pretty much the same too.
January 7th, 2013 at 3:05 pm
The Force may be with you. Sometimes.
January 7th, 2013 at 3:05 pm
“Fat, drunk, and stupid is… well not so bad if you’re born rich.”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:07 pm
“She has wonderful muscles. Well, except her butt is too… developed, or something. Oh, she plays squash, does she?”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:07 pm
“A man’s got to know his Leviticus.”
“Rosebush.”
“Ah don know nuthin’ ’bout burpin’ no babies.”
“I am Sporty Spice!”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:08 pm
If you build it they will vandalize it.
January 7th, 2013 at 3:11 pm
!This… Is… East Lansing, MI!”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:13 pm
“We’re all here to do what we’re all here to do. What are you doing?”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:13 pm
He is Sparticus.
Yup, that’s him alright.
Sparticus, no doubt.
That’s your man right there…
January 7th, 2013 at 3:14 pm
Carpe diem. That means “I pick, pluck, pluck off, cull, crop, gather, to eat food, to serve, to want”, but Ovid used the word in the sense of, “enjoy, seize, use, make use of”. It is related to the Greek verb (carpoomae) καρπόομαι, (I grab the fruit, profits, opportunity), (carpos) καρπός=fruit of tree, of effort, etc. So make your lives extraordinary, boys.
January 7th, 2013 at 3:14 pm
Being in love means never having to say you’re sorry….unless you marry her in which case you might as well have “Sorry” tattoo’d on your forehead!
January 7th, 2013 at 3:15 pm
My mama always said, Life is like a s#!t sandwich…
January 7th, 2013 at 3:16 pm
“Well, I banged the knocker and nothing happened.”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:17 pm
“HAL, let me in.”
“I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that.”
“Overide Code ALPHA SEVEN NINER ZULU LIMA THREE”
“Opening the door now Dave.”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:19 pm
“Get away from her, you!”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:24 pm
Go ahead punk, make my tuna salad sandwich.
January 7th, 2013 at 3:27 pm
“I am Bruce Wayne–crap! I mean Batman.”
“Want to see me make a pencil disappear? Uh wait, anyone seen my pencil?”
“I AM GUNNERY SERGEANT HARMTAN! How y’all doing? Getting settled in? Any questions?”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:27 pm
“It’s always best to start at the beginning, except in your case. You should start at the top so you don’t waste time with the details of administering a large organization, Mr. President.”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:28 pm
Who’s a goood boy? You’re a fuzzy wookie, yes you are!
In the beginning God created the heavens and the smurf.
That’s when Buttercup realized that when Wesley said “make me a Sammich Beiotch” he really meant “I love you”
Bond, Gold Bond powder.
Mister Gorbachev- Paint that wall.
We’ve got nothing to fear but Fear Itself, …and starvation…. and the Japanese… and Polio.
January 7th, 2013 at 3:28 pm
“Have you got everything, Mr. Driftwood?” “Yes”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:31 pm
“And you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with… a SAW!”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:31 pm
Actually that one, to me, is a little different from an awful first draft. It’s more along the line of a “Mixed Memes” meme.
Like – “Need interstellar legal advice? Contact the law offices of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt.”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:32 pm
UW Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ UW Badgers.
January 7th, 2013 at 3:36 pm
“I dreamed I was my father, so I a wrote a book about it. I thought about calling it “Dreaming Of My Father,” but then I changed it to “Dreaming My Father’s Dreams.” But see, it was actually about me. Okay, I had some help writing it because I never actually knew the guy. And my editor renamed it “Dreams Of My Father.” Do they sell ice cream here?”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:38 pm
“The power source of the Batmobile? 220, 221 whatever it takes.”
January 7th, 2013 at 3:51 pm
“Release the really big sea monster.”
January 7th, 2013 at 4:02 pm
In the beginning God created stuff.
The stuff was a mess, and poorly lit too.
And God said, “Dang, it’s dark around here!”; and there was light.
And God was diggin’ the light
God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. Duh.
January 7th, 2013 at 4:15 pm
Die Hard “Now I have a gun free zone. Ho ho ho!”
January 7th, 2013 at 4:22 pm
“I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire one bullet, two bullets, three bullets, four bullets, five bullets, or si-i-ix bullets? Hah hah hah hah!” *Thunder*
Misplaced Characters
January 7th, 2013 at 5:06 pm
“Call me Ishmael…call me Morty…call me Ivor The Engine Driver…I don’t care, just shut your gob and open the holes on the sides of yer head, cuz, boy, do I have a whale of a story to drop on ya!”-H. Melville, Moby Dick
“The megabucks that groups of folks got, where capitalism makes the heavy-boss scene, hips itself as being a super-big buncha stuff that squares call commodities, daddy-o!”-K. Marx, Das Kapital, Allen Ginsburg, ed.
January 7th, 2013 at 5:16 pm
“Excuse me, Miss Swift, if I might presume upon a moment of your time, and I assure you that I shall permit you to conclude your monologizing directly, however I would like to underscore the superlative and eternal nature of the oevre of Beyonce to her peers which are, on this auspicious evening, herein gathered to bestow honors, one upon the other!”-Kanye West, Spontaneous Oratory
January 7th, 2013 at 5:56 pm
@Formerhostage: #35
I’ve always paraphrased that one as — Life is like a box of chocolates… some pieces taste like crap.
The other one I saw somewhere went something like — People are like a box of chocolates… you never know what they’re like inside until someone sticks finger in their bottom.
January 7th, 2013 at 10:55 pm
Dirty Harry – with a high capacity Glock: “I know what you’re thinking, did I fire 17 rounds or only 16? ….. “
January 8th, 2013 at 12:37 am
Yippie Kai Yay, German dudes!
January 8th, 2013 at 7:24 am
“Head or purple nurple.” – Last Boy Scout
January 8th, 2013 at 9:03 am
“…I love the smell of talcum powder in the morning…” – Apocalypse Now
January 8th, 2013 at 9:32 am
One does not simply ride the subway into Mordor.
No mister Bond I expect you to sizzle and smell like burning tires.
Some Tasty Pig
January 9th, 2013 at 1:39 am
#35 – Formerhostage,
… the more bread you have, the less $h!t you have to eat.
The day my brother told me that, I fell out of my chair laughing.
Ah, memories! Bacon for you, Thanks.