Cats Are Remorseless Killing Machines

Posted on January 31, 2013 1:00 pm

Cats are murder machines. They kill billions of small animals a year. Is this news to anyone? Ever really stare deeply into one of their sociopathic expressions? They obviously think about nothing but murder all their waking hours. If a dog ever kills anything, that’s horrifying, but for a cat, that’s just a cat being a cat. As I’ve said before, dogs were domesticated and cats were just made smaller. If you had a cat the size of a pit bull, you’d basically have a monster people would run screaming from.

The only thing keeping cats from killing you is that they’re too small to do it. But that’s doesn’t mean they don’t fantasize about it every day. Never turn your back on a cat.

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23 Responses to “Cats Are Remorseless Killing Machines”

  1. FredKey says:

    Don’t forget the toxoplasmosis. They carry the deadly disease…on purpose!!!!!

  2. Raving Lunatic says:

    The reason they don’t kill us isn’t that they are too small, but that new servants are too hard to train.

  3. Rayfan87 says:

    Always remember there are two things that can defeat cats: water and firearms.

  4. Jimmy says:

    Yeah, feeding them tuna only placates their killing instinct for 5-10 minutes, after which you’re forced to shoot them. Kill. The. Cat.

  5. Anonymiss says:

    Obama will be banning cats next. I’d actually be ok with that.

  6. Mindy J. says:

    Don’t forget, a cat’s purr is just to lull you into complacency.

  7. tomg51 says:

    Even outdoor and feral cats require attention…
    … I’m forever picking up the squirrel tails and feet they leave behind.

  8. DamnCat says:


  9. Steve H says:

    Can they be trained to kill monkeys?

  10. spacemonkey says:

    My inside-only cat kills anything unfortunate enough to cross the threshold.

  11. Harvey says:

    @10 – You’re lucky. I’ve got 4 cats that occasionally get to go outside, and they’re hell on mice, moles, and baby birds. But the one time I had a chipmunk trapped in my office and I needed help removing the critter, I brought them in one at a time, and not a drop of blood-lust in the lot.

    Had to put on leather gloves (rabies protection, ya know) and extricate the bugger myself.

  12. Vaktatunnen says:

    But according to the study, 84% of what they kill is vermin. And the birds I’ll never miss. If we can up that vermin-to-bycatch ratio, I say we breed some slightly bigger cats and set them loose on Congress.

  13. Manse says:

    I had a neighbor who put a bird feeder on a 4-ft. tall post. I asked why he had it so low to the ground. His answer was that bird seed was cheaper than cat food. Huh?

  14. Eric says:

    I have two Maine Coons, they are large remorseless killing machines. They keep trying to undermine my authority, but they’re scared sh!tless of my parrot.

  15. Crabby Old Bat says:

    This is why the proposal that New Zealanders voluntarily give up cat ownership, refraining from replacing their felines as they die, is not the sheer unadulterated moonbattery that it seems. The kiwi (NZ national bird and evolutionary oddity) nests on the ground, and cats are wiping them out.

    Unfortunately, another introduced species, the rat, is just as devastating to the kiwi population – and with no cats, there will just be a whole lot more rats. Kiwis be doomed.

  16. Ben says:

    There is a reason why Bast was a goddess in Egypt and protector of the home. Cats killing vermin, snakes, mice, bugs and other small critter, that is their job. That is how they protected the family and earned their saucer of milk. Mice and rats didn’t bring plague once they were in the belly of a cat. Nor did those vermin eat the grain you set aside for next spring, nor bite your kids.

    Those billions of vermin that get killed by cats, are billions more that we would be faced with ourselves. I am not saying we should trust cats, but they serve their function despite their attitude.

    It must be a group from Washington or Colorado

  17. Son of Bob says:

    Meanwhile, frogs are lovable creatures that sing songs, hang out with monsters and have sex with farm animals. And really, is that so terrible?

  18. tomg51 says:

    My #7 aside, our large furball only kills inside insects; he’s catch and release outside.
    He’s the only reason I’ve ever seen flying squirrel. I ran outside to see what he had, and he released it. The critter ran sideways across the brick wall of my house. Amazing little thing.

  19. Ernie Loco says:

    If you had a cat the size of a pit bull, you’d basically have a monster people would run screaming from.

    I think they call those theoretical beasts: bobcats, pumas, mountain lions, and jaguars.

  20. jw says:

    a furry killing machine

    and a friend of DamnCat, i assume.

  21. Conservatarian says:

    Harvey, you misunderstand cats. You serve them; they do not serve you.

  22. CTCompromise says:

    To the cats defense…I admit publicly that I like to eat kiwis, too. Especially cut up in a nice fruit salad with watermelon, strawberries, blueberries, etc. Sometimes I just slice and eat them Sometimes I use them as garnish……Wait, you’re talking about a BIRD not the inexpensive little fruits which look like monkey’s balls? “Never mind…”

  23. Freemon Sandlewould says:


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